Doesn't matter what I'm actually doing all day, it's an emotional roller coaster. I can have moments that are almost normal (but I ruin them by noticing). so much of the day I'm just so sad and stressed. I think I'm obsessing over how long I'm going to feel this way. So far it's truly one day at a time. I get incompacitated by stress even trying to think to the end of the week.
I want so desperately to do something ...big... that might have a chance of improving my life. but for now, I just putter around and tell myself to just make one small thing better, even if it's only doing the dishes or sweeping the floor. With enough little things, at least I fill my time and hopefully tire myself out a little.
This experience has left me determined to become a better person. I want to be less selfish, more understanding of the pain in everyone's lives, to be more sympathetic and helpful. I've never been good with other people's needs. now I want to be there for them. I also want to be able to celebrate others more. I was so wrapped up in how I was "going to deal" with having my unexpected baby, that I feel like I didn't celebrate it. I feel so guilty about that. I hope baby knows how much love I had from the first day I knew.