So I spent yesterday in absolute agony emotionally. I spent it crying my heart out. A single thing didn't set it off, but several months of rejection and doing things wrong did. I've spent the last few months beating myself up about everything. The slightest negative comment has made me want to cry and hide. I really have become more of a perfectionist than ever before, and just the thought of doing something wrong is making it even worse. I get so nervous doing some things that I inevitably do it wrong out of nerves, and then I feel even worse. I've truly got myself intona vicious cycle.
I felt quite similar today and was on the edge of tears all day. All I wanted to do whenever I got a moment to think was come home and hide. I got tthrough the day though with the final thought that I'd be ok. I could just not eat tonight which will make me feel better. Punish me a little.
When I got home, I decided to look at my old photos to remind me what I want to achieve again. My arms are my biggest foible and I really wish they were skinny, so I was trying to find some images in relation to that. In the photos though,  my arms are just as huge. They always have been, no matter how skinny I've been. While it has been a reminder that I can't do anything about my arms, they'll always be huge, I still wish I was as skinny as the girl in them. In some of the photos I look so so much happier than I am now. Then, though, I move onto the times when I was really sick. I see the hollow eyes, the crossed arms and the head hanging down in sadness. I see the pain, the hunger for death. I don't want to be that girl again, and I can't let myself think I can get skinnier and stop. It doesn't happen that way. It will take over.