I'm Back
I'm back, my anger has burned out, just leaving me sad. I would rather be angry...but anger is not my default emotion and it takes a lot to get me to that level of rage and then it's hard to maintain, just the way I am.
Last year I injured my back and was in pain for weeks, severe pain. The narcotic pain relievers prescribed to me barely took the edge off and just made me sleep. My husband found a brand of extremely hot stick on patches and once the medication soaked in I obtained almost total relief. I would be poring sweat, it was so hot, but the heat blocked the pain.
I think of anger as emotional fire that blocks my emotional pain in the same way.
I wish I could stay mad. I don't get mad at Cassi, I know the pain she was in. She wasn't thinking about how she would hurt us, she just wanted the pain to stop. So when I get mad my anger turns to everyone else in our lives, including myself...sometimes it's so strong I get severe nausea as if my body wants to purge whatever it can.
I don't know who I am or why I am here. Once Cassi was born I thought she was the answer to those questions. I had been born to be her mother. Now I am just lost. I suppose it was retribution to try to work with the mentally ill...but it was very difficult and very depressing. Also, after a few weeks I knew those people were nothing like my child. Cassi was severely depressed...most of them had schizophrenia. So I had to back up and regroup...my next thought was, well, I have been through so much, I need to limit the stress, or eliminate the stress in my life...just to survive. Staying home, taking it easy, worked very well for awhile.
I still want to stay in my turtle shell...when I go "Out there"...whether real or imagined, I feel people avoid me, such is the stigma of suicide. Or else they act like nothing has happened, don't mention it...if I play along I feel like a fraud. If I bring up Cassi there might be a few minutes of discussion and then someone changes the subject.
After it happened, I thought there was nothing for me to be afraid of anymore. My biggest fear had come true, nothing could hurt me ever again...but I try to go out and feel afraid of everything. Maybe it's life I am afraid of.
One day, one minute, one moment...here I am over a year and eight months later, I couldn't have imagined that in the beginning, so I have to keep coming back to that mantra...One day at a time.
Last year I injured my back and was in pain for weeks, severe pain. The narcotic pain relievers prescribed to me barely took the edge off and just made me sleep. My husband found a brand of extremely hot stick on patches and once the medication soaked in I obtained almost total relief. I would be poring sweat, it was so hot, but the heat blocked the pain.
I think of anger as emotional fire that blocks my emotional pain in the same way.
I wish I could stay mad. I don't get mad at Cassi, I know the pain she was in. She wasn't thinking about how she would hurt us, she just wanted the pain to stop. So when I get mad my anger turns to everyone else in our lives, including myself...sometimes it's so strong I get severe nausea as if my body wants to purge whatever it can.
I don't know who I am or why I am here. Once Cassi was born I thought she was the answer to those questions. I had been born to be her mother. Now I am just lost. I suppose it was retribution to try to work with the mentally ill...but it was very difficult and very depressing. Also, after a few weeks I knew those people were nothing like my child. Cassi was severely depressed...most of them had schizophrenia. So I had to back up and regroup...my next thought was, well, I have been through so much, I need to limit the stress, or eliminate the stress in my life...just to survive. Staying home, taking it easy, worked very well for awhile.
I still want to stay in my turtle shell...when I go "Out there"...whether real or imagined, I feel people avoid me, such is the stigma of suicide. Or else they act like nothing has happened, don't mention it...if I play along I feel like a fraud. If I bring up Cassi there might be a few minutes of discussion and then someone changes the subject.
After it happened, I thought there was nothing for me to be afraid of anymore. My biggest fear had come true, nothing could hurt me ever again...but I try to go out and feel afraid of everything. Maybe it's life I am afraid of.
One day, one minute, one moment...here I am over a year and eight months later, I couldn't have imagined that in the beginning, so I have to keep coming back to that mantra...One day at a time.
Replies
You are here, Gina, one year and eight months later. This in and of itself speaks volumes of the courage that it has taken. It matters not how we get to these places, just that we do somehow in our own way and in our time. I have had to sort this out time and time again for myself and I need turtle time too.
It feels like I must die to my old self and be reborn to a new life. This is when I take my cues from my ultimate healer, nature, and see that everything dies for a time, before becoming alive in a new form. I had a three year womb experience of darkness and it took as long as I needed it to before I could fully integrate what the loss of my son in his physical body meant to me. I had to dwell fully in the darkness and it did create uneasiness in others I\'m sure who were trying to prevent me from fully BEing where I needed to BE.
Where you are today dearest Gina is where you need to BE and you are NOT where you where one year and eight months ago, even though in some moments it might feel as if you are. You are not and that is a promise...
With you breath by breath and moment by moment. As dear Debbie would say, \"You are Cassi\'s memory keeper,\" and are needed for that and SO much more.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
I remember well the turtle time and the need to be alone for a very long time. It does take time and lots of it! There are times when it seems it will never change though. Yes, one day at a time and when that is too much - one hour or one breath. Sending tight hugs, Leda
This road is such a series of ups and downs. During the downs, we can\'t imagine smiling again. Sometimes we need to just be; to cocoon and surround ourselves with everything familiar. It is hard to go out in to the world. I can remember times when I begged out of gatherings because I just could not face people. I am better now. I can go out, enjoy life, laugh but there are still times when I need to be alone and regroup.
Cassi is with you and I am sure you know that she loves and cares for you. She saw no other option at the time and there was not a thing you could have done to change the outcome. We spend so much time second guessing ourselves - if I had only done..... this would not have happened.
I wish I could make it better. Just know that we are here with and for you.
Love and tight hugs, M
Yes, Gina, just one baby step at a time........for as long as you need to. Thinking of you!
Gentle hugs. xxx
Take yourself back to the sound of the ocean waves crashing in the sand. Kick your feet as you walk through the sliding water coming in then going out. Take your mind to these thoughts concentrate and listen....
When you come back from your thoughts how do you feel ?
Try this.. no promises that it helps or will work it is taking your self and putting it in a calm place of peace and beauty. Thoughts are much clearer and easy when you are in a peaceful place.
Sending tight hugs
Penny