Bad Day
Today has been a really bad day, a horrible day. I can never take anything at face value and accept something as it is, I must figure out why..because, you know, I am a woman...therefore, I think. It must be so simple to live in the mind of a man. I just imagine peace and quiet but shallow, very shallow and I can never go deep enough.
I overslept this morning, which isn't a good thing. It just makes me feel like I am running behind the rest of the day. I had a conversation with my husband last night about going to church and he told me this morning he can't do it. Not once, not even try. I feel like I have compromised so much, throughout our entire marriage yet he refuses to comply with my smallest requests.
So off my mind goes in every direction...I wanted another baby after Cassi, he did not. If it were not for him I might still have the opportunity for a grandchild. With his mother's support, he got a vasectomy soon after she was born and that is a pattern that has continued throughout the marriage. If there is a disagreement, she will take his side and help him push things through.
He is a complete recluse, will not socialize in any way at all, at any time at all. It makes it hard for me to socialize as well, not to mention he gets very possessive and would truly rather I not. He gets jealous of the time I spend on the computer!! Not that I am ignoring him because he isn't talking anyway, and when I try to talk to him he either figures out a way to make it my fault of acts like I am speaking a foreign language and he has no clue what I am saying, but shame on me for causing a disturbance.
Cassi looked just like him. I am both comforted and tormented by that. I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want to fight over assets, divide retirement income, sell our home...be apart from the only other parent in the world who has lost Cassi. Bot, Oh My, I dream...I dream of running away. I have one foot in the past and one foot in the future so I am very off kilter in the presence. Cassi was my life. It wasn't her fault, I made it that way. My husband was cold and distant(ironically what he accuses me of now)...so she was my everything. I just never learned, or wanted, a life for myself...Cassi's life was my life, her friends were my friends...and now here I am...daydreaming about moving to Alaska, the Northwest Coast, A quant little New England town, even New Orleans!!! There is a dog rescue mission there I would work for for free, I would just devote myself to the cause. BUT...Cassi is buried here, and I don't want to leave her alone. Just like my husbands face this area both comforts me and tortures me...I want a new start, in a new place...but there is always the chance I would panic and have a nervous breakdown...also the possibility that I simply want to run from my burden, and that isn't possible. I could move to Australia and I would still be a broken-hearted mama...once the distractions wore off I would be alone again with my slaughtered heart.
There is a choice to be made...and I am afraid I will take the easy way out, as usual, and simply not make a decision and just keep struggling along.
Next month, November 21st, I will be 45...and I feel like my life is over...or else I could be very, very brave and start over a new life.
I know there are no easy decisions but any advice would be appreciated...either way I got this off my chest and it definitely helps to do that.
I overslept this morning, which isn't a good thing. It just makes me feel like I am running behind the rest of the day. I had a conversation with my husband last night about going to church and he told me this morning he can't do it. Not once, not even try. I feel like I have compromised so much, throughout our entire marriage yet he refuses to comply with my smallest requests.
So off my mind goes in every direction...I wanted another baby after Cassi, he did not. If it were not for him I might still have the opportunity for a grandchild. With his mother's support, he got a vasectomy soon after she was born and that is a pattern that has continued throughout the marriage. If there is a disagreement, she will take his side and help him push things through.
He is a complete recluse, will not socialize in any way at all, at any time at all. It makes it hard for me to socialize as well, not to mention he gets very possessive and would truly rather I not. He gets jealous of the time I spend on the computer!! Not that I am ignoring him because he isn't talking anyway, and when I try to talk to him he either figures out a way to make it my fault of acts like I am speaking a foreign language and he has no clue what I am saying, but shame on me for causing a disturbance.
Cassi looked just like him. I am both comforted and tormented by that. I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want to fight over assets, divide retirement income, sell our home...be apart from the only other parent in the world who has lost Cassi. Bot, Oh My, I dream...I dream of running away. I have one foot in the past and one foot in the future so I am very off kilter in the presence. Cassi was my life. It wasn't her fault, I made it that way. My husband was cold and distant(ironically what he accuses me of now)...so she was my everything. I just never learned, or wanted, a life for myself...Cassi's life was my life, her friends were my friends...and now here I am...daydreaming about moving to Alaska, the Northwest Coast, A quant little New England town, even New Orleans!!! There is a dog rescue mission there I would work for for free, I would just devote myself to the cause. BUT...Cassi is buried here, and I don't want to leave her alone. Just like my husbands face this area both comforts me and tortures me...I want a new start, in a new place...but there is always the chance I would panic and have a nervous breakdown...also the possibility that I simply want to run from my burden, and that isn't possible. I could move to Australia and I would still be a broken-hearted mama...once the distractions wore off I would be alone again with my slaughtered heart.
There is a choice to be made...and I am afraid I will take the easy way out, as usual, and simply not make a decision and just keep struggling along.
Next month, November 21st, I will be 45...and I feel like my life is over...or else I could be very, very brave and start over a new life.
I know there are no easy decisions but any advice would be appreciated...either way I got this off my chest and it definitely helps to do that.
Replies
I am so proud of you for putting your termoil down in words. Your confusion and inability to feel good not only where you are now but which direction you want your life to go in are overwhelming, aren\'t they?
The little bit you shared about your husband and his attempts to control you reminded me very much of my ex-husband and his methods. The word narcissistic has been used, several times and accurately.
You have so much on your plate. Sometimes when it just gets to be \"too much\", just sitting back, observing from the outside and breathing, let\'s the answer unfold in front of us.
Whatever path you choose, look after YOU. And if you choose to do nothing for now, that\'s ok too.
Peace and gentle hugs,
Merrilee
Gina, I am so sorry to hear of your bad day. It is true we have them and it is best to let them be for a bit. Yet your life is not over, you are still very young and I wish for you to be able to enjoy again. Cassie wants that too. Hoping you are able to take care of yourself and have some peace. Love Kathy
You already took the first step towards your solution, you put all your feelings into words. That is a brave step to take! I feel so sorry that you have to struggle through so much heartache! It sounds as if your marriage consists of 3 people: you, your husband and his mom. That is not a healthy situation. I suspect that you have been mentally broken down through the years, and that is why you doubt your ability to make it on your own somewhere else. Dearest Gina, Cassi will always be close to you, no matter where you are, or what you do! Your love for each other is a bond that will remain always! Whatever you decide to do, please take good care of yourself. Cassi\'s mom is a very special lady!! xxx
To not make a choice is a choice and it is not one of passivity, yet one of following right action and the bread crumbs along the way as they appear. I have been learning this while reading Tosha Silver, my new favorite guru woman.
I used to wonder why so many relationships could not survive the loss of a child (this was before the loss of Douglas) and I remember reading where someone said that if there were fissures in the marriage they could become deep chasms in the wake of such loss. Or it can be a time to learn how to heal as individuals and then as a couple.
Trust yourself that you will know what to do and keep giving it over so that you will be guided. Cassi, Spirit, all who love you are working on your behalf. I just have to believe this to BE true.
Keeping your heart wide open...
Loving care and you are not alone in wondering what the next step might be?
XO Joanie
Sorry for your very, very bad day. We all have them, and I have no advice for you. You helped me so much the other day, by posting that beautiful poem. I have it forever on paper now! My dtr. printed it at her work. Two copies.
This is the truth as I know it: we hold hands and help one another go through the dark forest of loss. You are not alone and I am grateful that you write your feelings, as they are not foreign to me. Love and Hope, abby
Those bad days are horrible. I think that I have about 7 of them a week. I dream of leaving and moving south. After this ten day reprieve...I have decided to just go visit around the country from time to time. If the desire for a New England town rears its head with true desire, you are welcome here for visit. That way, we can go to church and walk around until you realize that you really just like the north for a visit. Your husband is welcome as well. He can be antisocial with my husband. Men do live life differently, don\'t they. That is why God provides us with sister to understand. I am grateful for that. I pray for you daily Gina..I always have. I want you to know that. I was happy to finally meet you last Friday. I wish I had spent more time with you , Lauri
I had a response yesterday but it went off in to cyberspace. I have nothing to add other than, I understand and care.
Tight hugs,
Marlene
Totally understand...sometimes I want others, whether that be my husband or friends to sonehow say the right thing, do the right thing, just FIX IT, dammit. Fix this heart of mine, COULD SOMEONE, PLEASE!!!!! Reality is, no-one can - it\'s my journey, my broken heart that I need to take care of....when I remember this, it takes the pressure off others around me. God knows, I am not easy to live with on most days...my emotions are all over the place!!
Gina, I think of you often and look forward to the day I will be able to meet you in person. ((((hugs)))) Vicki
No matter what happens or where you go, Cassie is always with you. She is not in a box she is in your heart. You can talk to her anytime, just speak. She is listening and can give you peace. Mike used to visit me at work, he would have a scent that only I could smell and recognize. My hubby has talked to him and he has talked back in some form. If you move Cassie goes with you. Just believe
Tight Hugs Penny