Guilt
Guilt...I know it's useless...yet I cling. My child chose to end her life. The personal hell I have experienced since then has not taken me to the point of putting a gun in my mouth. So how much worse must her pain have been???
Nature or nurture... Both??? Neither??? Did I raise her to be so depressed...or did she inherit the tendancies from me?? Either way, I am the Mom. All memories are overshadowed by how it all ended. Darkness everywhere...yet I can't bear to let it go, it's all I feel I have left and I CAN'T forget her.
Life isn't fun anymore.
I have 2 more workdays of my notice...my co-workers and supervisor are pressuring me to stay. They love me. NOw I am confused...I thought I wanted to get away from the stress, however, do I need the stress to distract me from the darkness?...By the time I experience my life unemployed, FREE, if it isn't right it will be too late.
I want to progress...I feel I am just surviving...what if I regress without work??? No way to know until it happens. I am so scared...and so sad...I miss Cassi more than ever.
Nature or nurture... Both??? Neither??? Did I raise her to be so depressed...or did she inherit the tendancies from me?? Either way, I am the Mom. All memories are overshadowed by how it all ended. Darkness everywhere...yet I can't bear to let it go, it's all I feel I have left and I CAN'T forget her.
Life isn't fun anymore.
I have 2 more workdays of my notice...my co-workers and supervisor are pressuring me to stay. They love me. NOw I am confused...I thought I wanted to get away from the stress, however, do I need the stress to distract me from the darkness?...By the time I experience my life unemployed, FREE, if it isn't right it will be too late.
I want to progress...I feel I am just surviving...what if I regress without work??? No way to know until it happens. I am so scared...and so sad...I miss Cassi more than ever.
Replies
No matter how much we want to...we cannot control others. ...not what they think or feel or do. Depression is an illness and you cannot control depression no more than you could control cancer. You love Cassidy with all your heart...period.
As for working or not...that is a personal decision. If you sink lower on your off days than your work days...working may be better for you.
As far as When you will feel better...it is different for all...but you will.
Love and gentle hugs...Karen
We don\'t forget our children, ever, never. All the shoulds, and coulds, are meaningless here. We all have them. Drives us crazy! we go on. Each day we breathe in and out, put on our shoes, and continue to live. My years are gaining on me. 75 soon.
I love my Jacob, dead at 43, if only I had paid more attention....but I did not. We all feel the mother guilt, shouldov been able to help and weren\'t. Please, listen to Karen, be kind and gentle with yourself. Write here b/c we understand. Love, abby
I\'ve been in the same place. My Jason chose to end his life. I think the same thoughts you are, and after 4 years I\'m still struggling. I will not take my life because my granddaughter, Jason\'s child, needs me. That\'s the one reason I\'m living. You need to have a reason to want to live. I know it\'s hard to find that when you are depressed. You need to seek help from a doctor or someone if you aren\'t already. Let your doctor know how you feel. Let him help you. I know it\'s not a popular thing to say because we all love and miss our children, but I truly believe that when your child dies from a suicide it adds another layer of grief on top of the grief of your loss. There is less guilt involved with a sickness or an accident, but when a child doesn\'t want to live anymore no matter how illogical it is, a mother will feel guilt. I know that very well. I reason all the time how there was nothing I could have done...but reasoning isn\'t feeling.
Gina I think a rest will be good for you, but honestly I don\'t know. Love you girl...I so wish I could help...I know exactly how you are feeling...nothing in the world is worse.
I think just do what you feel like doing right now. Like I said , you are in the griefin g process it is the hardest thing you will ever go through. So what ever you want to do an d it might give you a little peace for awhile. I miss my daughter to every day. . iI hope you have a a little peace tonight. Bless your angel Cassie big hug and love
You use the word guilt. I use the word helpless. My Jason did not die by his own hand - sort of. However, most of his adult life was torture and I made it my single focus to help him find his \"happy\". It never happened.
In my Jason\'s death, as in his life, I feel and felt helpless. As much as I tried to say the right words to unlock the key to him being happy, no words I found were the right words.
As Ter1 said, very well, that there is an extra layer added to this hell when your child takes their own life. I believe that and can not imagine that, on top of everything else. As Ter1 also says, there is a reason that each of us must find that convinces us to stick around.
I continue to look for mine. So far, the reasons I\'ve come up with aren\'t really that compelling yet, I\'m still here. You too are still here. And we are all here for each other. Sometimes, that\'s all there is.
The fear of the unknown, the \"what now\" of after your job, will be answered one step at a time. I applaud you for taking that step and time will tell.
Sadly, why Cassi chose suicide to end her pain, only she knows for sure. What I am positive of however, is that under no circumstances was she thinking of how much pain her loving Mom would live with. How could she?
You are not alone in this life long journey. The \"knowing\" Mom\'s here are such a gift, even with their own pain. A safe place where we are allowed to speak of our honest thoughts is priceless.
Come back and let us know after your last day. You may move forward and continue to simply survive however, for now, perhaps that\'s an ok thing...
Tightest of hugs...
Merrilee
We are not responsible for our children\'s depression..I have raised 6 kids. One took his life. He did it for reasons of his own..no note. Patrick had everything to live for..a new son, a wife, new house, a job working with handicapped adults that he excelled at.
Hindsight is pointless for me. It would drive me crazy, so I stopped allowing myself to go there after the first month. It made all the difference for me. I decided that every time I feel that yearning for my son, I would feel it, then I would reach out and do one positive thing for someone else. I can hear him say, \"Ma, stop focussing on my death and live FOR me. So I do. I still miss him and have daily moments of intense yearnings for my boy. I thank God that I can now see some light to run toward. It was a fight to break through the clouds. I am praying for you to see a break soon, very soon. Love , Lauri
Oh Gina, I can only imagine what you and the other moms whose child died by suicide are experiencing. As Terry said, it must be an added layer to this horror. I am so very sorry...
I have worked in the field of mental health for many years. I believe that depression is a serious illness that takes lives. I do not feel that depression gets the attention it needs to as far as the medical field. There are no fundraisers for this disease. Its hidden and often silent.
As Abby said, the couldas, shouldas and wouldas will haunt us if we let them. My son died suddenly from a heart attack. I struggled with my guilt - how did I not know he was ill? Why didn\'t I insist he take better care of himself? Why couldn\'t I tell he had a heart problem? But this is what I call \"magical thinking\". I could not control what a grown person does. I was not even privy to his doctor\'s notes. What I have know is that you and I would have moved Heaven and Earth to save our kids if we could have...and for me I have decided to live for Ed and ensure he is remembered and valued for the good man he was until the day I transition to my Heavenly home.
I regards to your work, I can only tell you what worked for me. It helped me to work, to focus on the needs of my clients and to have the structure everyday. The other thing that helped me a lot is grief counseling. I asked specifically for a person who specializes in grief and I got Kate, who was amazing. I was in counseling for about a year. She helped me to recognize the signs that Eddie is still with me and helped me put certain things, like guilt, in perspective.
May God give you the grace to determine what you need to survive and thrive despite this terrible, terrible grief. Tight hugs of understanding and much love to you and beautiful Cassi, Linda
I think there is always apprehension when we make a decision, whether it is to marry, divorce, find work, take a job, quit a job, and so on. It makes it even more hard to decide after the loss of a child because the blow is so great, so devastating... Terry is right, suicide adds an extra layer of guilt, it is all so unfair. Most of us suffer from guilt, but does it help anything? For me, the answer is no. It is hard to find life after a child dies but for me walking a great deal to ease my anxiety and my faith helps keeps me going. I try to say a prayer and make the best of it. Love and prayers will be sent your way. Hugs too, of course.
My heart IS with you dear Gina and oh, the guilt is a BIG one... Deepest of sighs... Depression is a horrible disease just as addiction is and I have had to try to separate the essence of who Douglas is with and without his disease. I will never understand why some find their peace earth side and others like our children simply cannot. Deepest of sighs...
I suspect you will know if not working is best for you or not and maybe just not in the kind of work that you chose. Sometimes to be in that kind of vocation when the well is dry inside of us it is very hard to give because we simply don\'t have it. I did not do my chaplaincy work for three years after the loss of Douglas because I simply could not and knew I would be projecting all over the place and could not be with others in crisis when my own life was in crisis. Maybe there is a way for you to give that will not feel so depleting and only time will tell and the good thing about this is that you already took the first step by finding a job and working one and know that you can do it again should you feel that nudge.
Stay close and do not isolate and come here to know that you are not alone. You matter, are needed and I know are hurting terribly... Words just wash away, yet the depth of feeling and care remains and it surrounds us here on FMO.
With you, caring and one breath at a time,
Gentle hugs,
XO Joanie
Tight hugs Gina. I have no words of wisdom. I can\'t imagine the pain.
Just know we love you and care.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
Gina, we all have our doubts and guilt, mine is that I should have insisted Jenn get a different doctor after her first diagnosis... she trusted the A$$ she was seeing, so who was I to disagree with her ?
All our other SOTH\'s have said it so wonderfully... I have nothing to add.. just hugs, MaryLou