Still???!!!
Jeez...when will this heartache ever abate??? I mean, I know it never will, but I have had those "gentle" periods of time when it is not quite so bad...but not in a very long time. It hurts and hurts and hurts. I am miserable at work, I am miserable at home, I am just a big lump of misery, quiet desperation...I feel like my soul is screaming out in pain like the painting "The Scream", by Edvard Munch.
Despite brief respites my life has gone downhill since I lost my baby. I just don't want to fight it anymore. I want her back, I want my life back, I would never take it for granted again!!!
There was a life, that was mine, when I had absolutely everything!!! But I didn't have a clue and I was stupid and I want it back!!! I want to do it all over again and do it better, I just KNOW I could do so much better and now I am too old to start over and my husband only wanted one child, so now I will never be a grandmother. She was my best friend!!! When I would get so frustrated or upset, about ANYTHING, she was who I could always turn to. She always understood. We were so much alike, you see.
I'm sorry all my posts have been so sad lately. I thank my God for this site and all of you because sometimes I feel you are all I have and truly you ARE all I have that understand!
I am just so damned tired...if I can just make it to October...to the Retreat...that is my lofty goal, to meet as many of you as I can...hopefully absorb some of your energy, wisdom.
Despite brief respites my life has gone downhill since I lost my baby. I just don't want to fight it anymore. I want her back, I want my life back, I would never take it for granted again!!!
There was a life, that was mine, when I had absolutely everything!!! But I didn't have a clue and I was stupid and I want it back!!! I want to do it all over again and do it better, I just KNOW I could do so much better and now I am too old to start over and my husband only wanted one child, so now I will never be a grandmother. She was my best friend!!! When I would get so frustrated or upset, about ANYTHING, she was who I could always turn to. She always understood. We were so much alike, you see.
I'm sorry all my posts have been so sad lately. I thank my God for this site and all of you because sometimes I feel you are all I have and truly you ARE all I have that understand!
I am just so damned tired...if I can just make it to October...to the Retreat...that is my lofty goal, to meet as many of you as I can...hopefully absorb some of your energy, wisdom.
Replies
Oh, all I can say is it was just three years May 5th that my ShellBell went to heaven ...I say all the things you say often...it never gets better it just gets...I to am looking forward to the Retreat I only attended 1 so far but it was really LOVELY and you are right we all understand and you can be yourself....you need to take time for yourself and have quiet time with yourself...xxoxoxxoo gretcho
No apologies Gina. We understand all too well.
Tight hugs,
Terry
Don\'t apologize. We understand. Love and Hugs, Paula
so sorry it\'s a tough time, let us hope that the following days will be easier. Keep on writing, we know how awful it is. Terrible thing that we\'ve been through. Be gentle and good to yourself. Love, abby.........
Of course this is hard and we all understand. As we all say the writing helps so continued journaling and we are all with you. Peace, xoxoxo
Hi Dear Gina. Just have to live each day. It sucks. But no way to bring our daughters back.We are left behind to live with the memories and the ifs an I should have been there more. Turmoil. ANXIETY and wait for our lives to start coming together again Time Heals All.love you. Bless your angel
Dearest Gina, your are so well understood and loved here! No need for apologies. Yes, the hurting never stops, because your love for your beautiful angel will never ever stop! I pray that you will find some peace in your heart, and that your precious angel\'s love will let you see what an awesome mom you are!!
Gentle hugs! xxx
I so look forward to meeting you at Retreat...this second year, the shock has worn off and I think we are now feeling without that shock buffer... There will be something God has for you..He promised..it is just that waiting for it is so crippling. It is so hard to swim in a sea of grief when you can\'t see a boat in the distance..I am praying for you to find strength where you are. Love, Lauri
I am hoping to get to the retreat this year if I can afford it. I just want you to know that it will be almost 15 years for me that I lost my son Jesse, to a homicide and it still hurts. Time has gone by and I still think of him every day and miss him. It is not as raw, but I still have those hurt days from time to time. We are on this journey for the rest of our lives. Keep those happy memories you have and that love will get you through... XOX, Debbie
Oh Gina, all I can say is \"DITTO\" - being in my second year barely ahead of you - it sucks......sad most days (good @ masking); wanting my life back - I know I would be better.....not so needy of a mom.....not so \"immature\" sometimes.....My only child, gone.......what the hell happened???? Going to the retreat just won\'t work this year for me--- but keep looking forward....it will be amazing to hug your sisters of the heart because I believe, they are the only ones who truly understand!!!
I am so sorry......((((hugs)))) Vicki
It is a world of hurt and sorrow dearest Gina and that second year really kicked my backside because as the others have said that numbness and the \"firsts\" are behind you. I think one of the things that was the most painful for me was that everyone thought because I\'d \"lived through\" that first year I was just \"fine\" and they could check me off their list so to speak. My saving grace was finding FMO which was when I was in my fourteenth month and that is when I began to notice that Douglas was not always my \"first\" or \"last\" thought of the day and with that also brought some guilt and the moms here helped me so much with that.
Yes, \"still\" my friend... You are doing your best and that is enough for today and please be so very gentle with yourself and your feelings. They matter as do you and I understand that you keep hearing this, yet I think we each must so that it can be fully absorbed in our own time and in our own way.
The most loving care I send to you just this moment, just this day and one breath at a time just as you have been doing...
With you and understanding,
XO Joanie
Still...I am six years on this journey and I have recently been having the same feelings...misery with almost everything..feeling like I can\'t do this anymore. Every day I get up and make a new effort, a new start. The misery is starting to ease up. All part of this rollercoaster ride we are on. For me, I am.on an anti-depressant and my doctor recently slightly slightly increased my dosage. It helps me to be able to function at work. We all have to find our own ways of coping with the downs, coming to FMO is certainly a part of our coping. As Joanie said, one breath at a time. Sue xo
Life can be a bitch.... Without FMO and writing down fears and frustrations I would not have made it as far as I have. Tears fall as I read your journal because it feels just like me a few years back. One step at a time sometimes forward sometimes back.
Your headachs you mentioned, have you been treated for them. I know when I had bad migrains they took all my energy with them. Take care of you. We will be here for you no matter what.
Tight hugs Penny
Gina, no need to apologize. This site is to share the sadness, whatever you are feeling. I promise you, that over time you WILL be in a better place. Missing Cassi always but more able to manage and absorb the pain. Eventually the tragedy of the passing of your daughter will become integrated into your life, along with all the beauty and richness and joy she brought into your life. But of course, you are in tremendous pain. You are still in what I call the \"acute\" phase of your journey. Over time, I feel like the pain is still there or \"chronic\" but begins to co-exist with other feelings like peace and joy.
Remember you are understood here and you and Cassi are loved!
Tight hugs, Linda