Holidays
Okay Sisters, I am in need of guidance. I have not been on here much in a while. As most of you know, I was much more active on this site until I went back to work, when I found a job that is healing, fulfilling, even life-affirming. I do not make much money anymore, I work with people who have mental disorders and no one really gets rich in the mental health field. Even the doctors do not make as much money in this particular specialty. It's a calling, I believe, and as long as we can provide for our basic needs most of us who feel called will answer, even if we have to work second or even third jobs to make ends meet.
I was on a major upswing, positive momentum. I was afraid of the holidays. I lost Cassi February 2nd. Everything is new, everything is the first, the first Easter without her, the first Halloween without her, my first birthday without her, etc. etc. I didn't know what to expect, just knew it would be bad and it is. Last week my phone was stolen and with it went our last text messages, including her last birthday wish to me, which I painfully ignored at the time because I was trying "tough love" to try to snap her out of "it", whatever "it" was. The loss of the phone has taken my down a very dark road, to levels of pain I had not experienced in quite a while.
Silly me...I thought I was doing so well, and maybe I was, maybe I still am. But I am terrified. There is a quote something like, "When you have been burned you fear the flame". Just common sense really...but the pain I have felt, and re-felt, is terrifying and overwhelming...and as dumb as this sounds, I thought I had said goodbye to it. My birthday was last week and all I could think about was last year, when I was struggling to keep my child alive, I had the OPTION of answering her text and I did not...and what I would do to have that back, which, as any of you know, is anything, anything at all.
I have my job, that I don't want to lose...how am I going to get thru the holidAYS...Teri, Ann, Mary Ann...please God send mesome wisdom. Making it through the holidays, itself a seemingly impossible feat, will bring me to the first of the year, you see...nearer and nearer to the time, February 2nd...remember to breathe Gina, deep breaths...and one day, one moment at a time...and DON'T STOP BELIEVING!!! Keep the faith, someday I will see my child again, we will be together again. It just has to be true, please tell me it's true, please make me believe it's true, please, please, please...
I have thought abouth possibly checking myself into a psychiatric hospital...just a thought, maybe it would help, I don't know. I don't want to lose my job and I don't want to give up control of my medication. I can be honest here. I am on a very high dosage of Xanax, in fact a higher dosage than my psychiatrist has ever given. I feel like it is a secret between us...like he wants to help me and doesn't know how, so he does what he can...yet I am completely awarwe that I am addicted and I am not ready to deal with it yet. The time will come, I know, but not yet, and I don't want to get him into trouble. What if the dosage he is giving me is considered malpractice??? But then it can't be, or else the pharmacy would not fill it, right??? I don't know what to do. I just feel myself imploding. It's bad, and it's going to get worse...I want to have a plan, a plan of attack. I have people who love me, Cassi's suicide devastated our family. If I were to follow her, I don't think my elderly mother would survive, possibly not my sister, who has a 5 year old son...and my husband...what would he do??? My dogs, my babies that I have spoiled so much they would probably refuse to eat if I were not around...I know they would grieve terribly, maybe even die.
So please, sisters, sent me ideas...any at all...I want to plan this thing, have a plan of action in place. I am terrified.
I was on a major upswing, positive momentum. I was afraid of the holidays. I lost Cassi February 2nd. Everything is new, everything is the first, the first Easter without her, the first Halloween without her, my first birthday without her, etc. etc. I didn't know what to expect, just knew it would be bad and it is. Last week my phone was stolen and with it went our last text messages, including her last birthday wish to me, which I painfully ignored at the time because I was trying "tough love" to try to snap her out of "it", whatever "it" was. The loss of the phone has taken my down a very dark road, to levels of pain I had not experienced in quite a while.
Silly me...I thought I was doing so well, and maybe I was, maybe I still am. But I am terrified. There is a quote something like, "When you have been burned you fear the flame". Just common sense really...but the pain I have felt, and re-felt, is terrifying and overwhelming...and as dumb as this sounds, I thought I had said goodbye to it. My birthday was last week and all I could think about was last year, when I was struggling to keep my child alive, I had the OPTION of answering her text and I did not...and what I would do to have that back, which, as any of you know, is anything, anything at all.
I have my job, that I don't want to lose...how am I going to get thru the holidAYS...Teri, Ann, Mary Ann...please God send mesome wisdom. Making it through the holidays, itself a seemingly impossible feat, will bring me to the first of the year, you see...nearer and nearer to the time, February 2nd...remember to breathe Gina, deep breaths...and one day, one moment at a time...and DON'T STOP BELIEVING!!! Keep the faith, someday I will see my child again, we will be together again. It just has to be true, please tell me it's true, please make me believe it's true, please, please, please...
I have thought abouth possibly checking myself into a psychiatric hospital...just a thought, maybe it would help, I don't know. I don't want to lose my job and I don't want to give up control of my medication. I can be honest here. I am on a very high dosage of Xanax, in fact a higher dosage than my psychiatrist has ever given. I feel like it is a secret between us...like he wants to help me and doesn't know how, so he does what he can...yet I am completely awarwe that I am addicted and I am not ready to deal with it yet. The time will come, I know, but not yet, and I don't want to get him into trouble. What if the dosage he is giving me is considered malpractice??? But then it can't be, or else the pharmacy would not fill it, right??? I don't know what to do. I just feel myself imploding. It's bad, and it's going to get worse...I want to have a plan, a plan of attack. I have people who love me, Cassi's suicide devastated our family. If I were to follow her, I don't think my elderly mother would survive, possibly not my sister, who has a 5 year old son...and my husband...what would he do??? My dogs, my babies that I have spoiled so much they would probably refuse to eat if I were not around...I know they would grieve terribly, maybe even die.
So please, sisters, sent me ideas...any at all...I want to plan this thing, have a plan of action in place. I am terrified.
Replies
My heart aches for you as you go through this year of firsts. How we mothers make it through these is different for each...but some how we do make it! You will too. Do what feels right to you...follow your heart. Many times the actual anniversary is more gentle than you can imagine. I have felt that it is this way because we are pre grieving the actual day...take gentle care...love and gentle hugs...Karen
I wish I had some words of wisdom. You would think as long as I have been on this horrible journey I could help. The first year that we lost our Jeff is a big blur and I honestly don\'t know how I got thru it somehow we do. Not much help or wisdom, huh? Just hoping for you some peaceful days thru these holidays. Christmas is a tough one with all the happiness around us. Love and big hugs to you My sweet Friend....Nell
Everything is new and you have made it this far, Gina. You never thought you could and you have by taking it one breath, one moment and one step at a time.
If you believe you might need to go into the hospital I would not stuff that away as that might be just what is needed for your well-being. You must put your needs first and the pharmacy could not be giving you anything that is against the law. Now, what people choose to take and the dosage is where the problems may occur and doctors are not held responsible for that. Believe me I know this from direct experience with the doc who gave my son pain medication after I had him investigated.
The only plan that I know I can ever have is one that might change in a heartbeat. I try to be as gentle with myself as I can be and know that what I thought I might be able to do if I can\'t it\'s okay... It\'s \"for now\" and may not be that way for a lifetime, yet I have to honor how I\'m feeling today.
I\'m so sorry that your phone was stolen with those precious Cassi texts on them as only a mother who has suffered this loss could possibly understand the heartbreak over that.
This path of healing is two steps forward, one back, yet never, ever where we were on that fateful day. I live and stand by that and say it often here because I need to remember it for me when I\'m having a hard day. They come after 6+ years and not with as much frequency or duration, yet they come and always take my breath away. The price that is paid for loving so deeply is the only way that I can navigate through it to the other side.
Loving care dear Gina and SO much understanding.
Joanie
You are doing this Gina, sometimes we take a step back or sideways but know that you have come along way! In the beginning of our journeys, we were all so numb and in shock. I could not even think, let alone pay a bill! You are getting through each day, sometimes just inching along. If you feel the need to get more help during the holidays, please just ask. We are all here to support each other. Please let me know what I can do to help you. Just one moment, take a slow deep breathe and know that we care. Hugs, Debbie
Gina, as others have said, if you need a brief stay in a hospital, do it. There is no shame in getting help.
I got through the \"firsts\" by having a plan. Each holiday, each birthday I gave presents to Ed via charities. I had dinners in his honor. For me, this helped because I too needed a plan & all the preparation kept me busy & focused on doing something positive for Ed. I don\'t know if any of this helps as all of us are unique in our grief. This is just what worked for me. Five years later I still make a plan for the difficult days.
Take care of you for you, your mom, your sister & nephew, your husband, your soths, your clients, your fur babies and for Cassi. You are loved and so I urge you to fight to be well and survive your terrible loss.
Love and understanding, Linda
Oh Gina...I can feel your pain...this time of year and the holidays sucked for many years - took me about 6 years to even put up a tree. One thing I did notice over time the anticipation is so much worse than the actual day. I got through it by thinking it was just another 24 hours to get through - any way I could. Just do whatever feels right to you - there is no right or wrong way to get through the holidays - except the same way you do every day - one hour, minute, second at a time. Remember baby steps and please don\'t expect too much of yourself. May the days be gentle for you and to you. Hugs, Ann
Gina, whatever you need to help yourself, that is what you have to do. Cassi is watching you and she will help you to see the right path. You are honoring her but your daily success and that success is anything, a walk, a shower, eating, making the bed or laying in the bed, work for me is a big help. I am now writing down the actions I take each day rather than the to do list. It helps to see some thing done no matter how little or big!!! Sending you vibes of peace for the coming days. Hugs, Kathy
Dearest Gina, I don\'t have any answers for you. But I\'m thinking of you, and sending you lots of love and gentle hugs! xxx
Oh sweets, my heart aches for you and with you. The first major holidays and that DAMN first \"angel\" date.....SOOOOOO hard!!!!
I dreaded it beyond anything I\'d ever dreaded in my life. So, I \"ran away\". I knew I couldn\'t handle the looks, the phone calls, the visits, from those wishing to help me. I knew I couldn\'t stand the old cliches\' they everyone wanted to tell me. I knew I couldn\'t even stand to be in my own home. I needed to escape to something totally different, and I did. For two blessed weeks my amazing husband cradled me in his love in Hawaii. We had one adventure after the other, hardly giving me time to \"go there\", and the most amazing part of it was Kala was there with us the entire trip!
Now, I\'m not saying taking a trip is YOUR answer....I\'m only saying it was MY answer for that first dreaded Christmas and angel date (Jan 2).
I don\'t really have any advice about the meds other than please be careful and please share your concerns/fears with your doctor. I took meds off and on during the first couple of years....nothing too \"strong\"....yet I was drinking tequila like a bona fide alcoholic!! I knew it was to numb the pain, and I knew I\'d deal with \"later\".
I guess, for me, as much as I ached, as much as I drank, as much as I screamed and cried and cursed everything and everybody, as much as I wanted to die, I knew, deep inside, somehow, I would survive. I knew I would fight and claw my way back to sanity and to LIFE. Somehow, I just knew.
I see that in you. That deeper than understanding with your head, the truth that you will fight your way back to LIFE again. I feel it every time I read your journals....no matter how desperately painful they are....there is always that shimmer of light. I see it. And I know that I know that I know, that LIGHT is Cassi leading you. You will survive this and you will continue to make Cassi the proudest angel in Paradise!
Hold on baby....just keep holding on....
Hi Gina. I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. I do know that those ups and downs are so normal. They do decrease as time goes by but I still have times when I head towards that black hole. I now know that those feelings will eventually pass; that I will climb out again.
I am concerned about the Zanax. I hope you can find the help to reduce the need.
A couple of years ago, Joe and I walked about 300 miles on the Camino de Santiago. It is a pilgrimage in Spain that ends in Santiago. Millions of people walk it every year. We started in Pamplona. It mirrored my experience of grieving. We had backpacks which felt really heavy at first. On our first day we had to climb a steep hill in 90 degree temperatures. We weren\'t sure we would make it to the top, let alone to Santiago. The next day was better, not great because we were suffering from the day before. Eventually, the pack seemed lighter and the walking became easier. We took a few wrong turns and encountered more steep hills and narrow trails. They were tough but easier than the first few days. Sometimes we walked on highways with trucks whizzing by - they made me agitated as i loved the solitude. I thought walking on the meseta, the flat lands would be easy. That is where I got a large painful blister. We had to take a day off. Once we had to take a bus to the next town. Every day was different. We had surprises, some good and some not so good. That walk was so like this journey of grief. The difference is, that journey ended in Santiago. This journey will end on the day I am reunited with Lisa. I know she was with me on that journey as I know she is with me every day. Cassi is with you too.
I have been babbling but I want you to know that I care.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
This is such a difficult journey we are on, and we all have our own ways with dealing, coping. Those \"firsts\" are so difficult. The first 2 Christmas\'s I ran away with my older son. The first angelversary ( was on April 4th but his birthday was April 25th) I had a \"celebration of life\" gathering. One year I \"cocooned\". Last year I got a tattoo. I just play it by ear and do what feels right. If I felt like I had to just stay in bed for the day I would - I always take that day off from work as I don\'t know how I will be coping. You just never know. This Thanksgiving has been a tough one for me, and yet others I have survived better. No rhyme or reason. Just know you don\'t walk alone. Sue xo
This is the hardest thing in life to go through. We all deal with loss differently. The things we have in common is this journey and the pain. Everything is painful it took me to the 5th angel date to be able feel like I would make it through the day. I am coming up on # 6, I am dealing with it but one day at a time.
I hope you get help with your meds. Have you been in counceling. it always help to have someone listen and help you get through your feelings. I know it has helped me a lot. I am also on antidepressants for many years, I have had to change meds because after time the old one was not doing the best job. I do hope you seek help by a professional they do not always have the answers but they can point you in the right direction.
Tight hugs
Penny
HOPE YOUR WEEK END IS NICE. I JUST MISS ROZ AND TEDDY. YOU UNDERSTAND WE ARE BOTH MOMS WHO LOST THE LOVES OF OUR LIVES. NOW HAVE TO GET THROUGH IT. WE WILL BLESS YOUR ANGEL AND HUGS AND LOVE MARY ANN.
Gina, I don\'t know whether you will read this or not since it\'s so long after your journal entry. Today is my stepson\'s b\'day. He would have been 36. Instead he is forever 31. It has been 4 years since he walked into eternity.
I hurt for you and all these \"firsts\". We had to get in a mindset that it is 24 hours. Just make it through the 24 hours of the holiday or b\'day or Daddy\'s b\'day. I don\'t know if it would help or not, but that\'s how we manage. I have been on Lexapro and Ativan for over four years now. I, too, know that I am dependent on the ativan (1 mg 2x/day). I don\'t care. I will face that whenever the time comes. Just know there are others out here holding you in thoughts and prayers. We all know this kind of pain and so, so wish we didn\'t. BTW, I\'ve been a psych RN for 19 years working in a not-for-profit hospital. I agree, it\'s a calling. Blessings to you dear one and your family. Life will shine again, you will smile again. It will happen. Just hang on. Okay?