Time
Time just moves on...it's nothing personal, it just happens. It will soon be 7 months. The first few days...I try not to revisit. The first few months...it seemed like I was searching for THE thing that would make it better...I wanted assurance that Cassi was okay, that she was still alive in spirit form and happy...not in the hell I was taught about as a child. As much as possible I believe I have been given that reassurance. If only I could have a dream...or if her friends had dreams and told me of them. Well I got many accounts of dreams and eventually I had a dream myself. If only I could have a sign...I believe I have had signs.
After all this time and after all the amazing things I have been given...I am still heartbroken. Yes, she is with me in spirit, yes, she is healthy and happy...yes, we will be reunited some day. But it still hurts. There is no amount of love and assurance that can be given to me to stop the pain. I chased after so many things, thinking "If only..." and after getting what I wanted I experienced a short amount of time jubilant...then I started looking for the next thing, something else to ease my grief.
Most of the time the grief is "softer" now than it was...just as our sisters have told me. Yet, yet, yet...I think my search for what I thought amounted to my survival was really a search to ease my pain. Maybe they were both the same things, maybe they went hand in hand...
I am still sad...there was an amazing person named Cassi Leann Churchwell in my life...I could text her, I could call her...I worried a LOT about her. I was consumed with her...with getting her through another day, with building her confidence, with assuring her everything would be okay. She was happy once...I felt like she would be happy again, in time. She did not agree. She was in so much pain she felt the only relief she would get was in death. She felt like she was a burden to all who loved her and we would be better off without her. I'm not...I am broken...the million little pieces of me are coming back together, slowly, but I will never be the person I was before that day, February 2nd. It's so sad...I never thought of myself as a carefree person...I felt with smug certainty that I was an old soul who had seen much, felt much, hurt much...only now in retrospect do I see how naive I was.
I miss you so much Cassi...sometimes I think I feel your presence and sometimes I feel I get a glimpse of you in my peripheral vision where you would have sat on the sofa. I get messages about you. I think you are trying to help me and I love you so much for that. I hope that now you realize how special you were. I don't know why life had to be so hard for you, I don't know why I had to lose you. I love you more than ever and like I told you so many times, having you was the greatest thing that ever happened to be, the greatest honor God could have bestowed on me. Please keep sending me messages...they help light the way on this dark path I am on. I hope I can make you proud.
After all this time and after all the amazing things I have been given...I am still heartbroken. Yes, she is with me in spirit, yes, she is healthy and happy...yes, we will be reunited some day. But it still hurts. There is no amount of love and assurance that can be given to me to stop the pain. I chased after so many things, thinking "If only..." and after getting what I wanted I experienced a short amount of time jubilant...then I started looking for the next thing, something else to ease my grief.
Most of the time the grief is "softer" now than it was...just as our sisters have told me. Yet, yet, yet...I think my search for what I thought amounted to my survival was really a search to ease my pain. Maybe they were both the same things, maybe they went hand in hand...
I am still sad...there was an amazing person named Cassi Leann Churchwell in my life...I could text her, I could call her...I worried a LOT about her. I was consumed with her...with getting her through another day, with building her confidence, with assuring her everything would be okay. She was happy once...I felt like she would be happy again, in time. She did not agree. She was in so much pain she felt the only relief she would get was in death. She felt like she was a burden to all who loved her and we would be better off without her. I'm not...I am broken...the million little pieces of me are coming back together, slowly, but I will never be the person I was before that day, February 2nd. It's so sad...I never thought of myself as a carefree person...I felt with smug certainty that I was an old soul who had seen much, felt much, hurt much...only now in retrospect do I see how naive I was.
I miss you so much Cassi...sometimes I think I feel your presence and sometimes I feel I get a glimpse of you in my peripheral vision where you would have sat on the sofa. I get messages about you. I think you are trying to help me and I love you so much for that. I hope that now you realize how special you were. I don't know why life had to be so hard for you, I don't know why I had to lose you. I love you more than ever and like I told you so many times, having you was the greatest thing that ever happened to be, the greatest honor God could have bestowed on me. Please keep sending me messages...they help light the way on this dark path I am on. I hope I can make you proud.
Replies
Cassi is proud of you for sure!!!! Sending you vibes of healing, peace and light. Hugs, Kathy
We will, none of us, ever be the same person we were, before we lost our child. That person died, when our child died. We have to learn how to live a new life, without them in it. It hurts like Hell, but we have to put the shattered peices back together, one by one, until the \"new\" person we are now, is born.
You are reaching out to other moms in pain and that will help you feel needed and have a purpose in your life. I am trying so hard to figure out who I am now. I havn\'t gotten there yet. Sept. 1st will be Dean\'s 3rd Angel day. I have no idea who I am yet, or how I got here. I still live by what a Hospise counselor told me. \"Your job today, is to put one foot in front of the other and breathe. That is all you need to do now. The rest will take care of itself.\"
((((HUGS))))....Julia
You don\'t KNOW that she thought of herself as a burden! STOP.
Mental illness is impossible for us, who do not suffer from it, to understand. We just CAN NOT no matter how much we want to, or how long we try. How did my daughter lie to me that day, call me on the phone TWICE, knowing what she was doing, knowing. How? Because if she had the capacity FOR ONE MOMENT to think of what her action would to TO ME, the person she loved the most, she would NOT HAVE DONE IT and then she would NOT HAVE BEEN MENTALLY ILL.
Do you not understand? You have to teach your emotions to follow the rational thought, very hard. You would never choose to take your life because you are a survivor of the suicide of a beloved and you know fully well that the results of suicide are horrendous, life destroying, and can even be life ending, for those who love us. You are not mentally ill. Your daughter was.
Everyone\'s life is precious to God and each life has its own journey, its own path. Those who used to believe suicide was the \"ultimate sin\" NO LONGER believe that unless they are living in the 1800s in their belief system. Suicide is not rational; it is not a desire for death; it is a present and overpowering NEED TO BE FREE of suffering. God does not turn His back on such as these. In fact, in some way, they may actually be serving the purpose of their journey.
Everyone falls, some worse than others. I do know a Mom or two who have completed suicide. I do not judge them. I do know a Mom or two have seriously attempted, and failed, and will not do it again: because they are not ill, they were overcome by despair and grief and saw no other way around it.
This is a hard road, Gina. This is a path given to a \"chosen\" few and we know not why. But I know one thing very well: my life belongs to GOD, not to me. I was gifted with a beautiful soul and was able to parent her in a way that gave her great joy in childhood, great support and safety in adolescence, and unconditional love. Unconditional love hurts: it hurts to give it, that\'s why so many do not, will not, cannot. You did. I did, All of the Moms on FMO did. WE ALWAYS DID OUR BEST. What more could be asked of anyone?
What is your purpose: that is now between you and God and you are early on, very early on, in this journey. It will become clearer as time passes. How much time? I\'m at the 3-1/2 year mark on 9/2, and it is just now being revealed to me. May you be guided, may you feel the comfort of God, may you be open to hearing and seeing those things given to you, directly by God, to bring you some peace, some small peace.
\"Underneath the clothes we\'re wearing,
scars we all carry; some that don\'t fade.
And they read just like a roadmap.
Time cuts a deep track through skin and vein.
But you know everyone falls sometimes; don\'t they all?
You know bridges get burned sometimes as we cross.
Don\'t we all fall?
I\'ve been faking it for so long;
trying to hold on, trying to get by.
It\'s just so hard getting over the going under
time after time.
Time calls your name and we\'re not the same.
Time calls your name and we\'re all afraid.
Time calls your name and we\'re not the same.
No, we\'re not the same.\"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1z-dRC7mKRU&list=PLz2gxN08ncH8ZKX7b4GW-72V_q78dai8h&index=51
Gentle hugs to you, my friend. xxx
Thank you for sharing your personal feelings with us.... The pain can be unbearable. Please know you are loved & cared about here by your SOTH. Your precious Cassi will never be forgotten...... She will always be your daughter & you will always be her momma.
This is our journey now..(HUGS) xoxo
So sad.........
I have often almost marveled... I have had signs, visits, visions... and yet still I go through all the fears, the need to be reassured... Reminds me of a gospel song... Lord you know I need a brand new touch... my strength from yesterday is gone... but if you\'ll grant me Lord another touch, I\'ll know that I can carry on... and so it has been going for me... I will read, hear, see something, remember something and for awhile I will feel stronger... than something will trigger the doubts, the tears, all of it... and I have to pull myself up again... I think we all do... but sometimes like I wrote you recently I do get these odd little memory gifts... and I wonder very much if they are from Cara... if she is still trying to help me... Hugs Elissa
Hugs to you Gina. I watch you \"grow\" and get a little ahead on this journey, even if you do not realize that you are moving ahead and taking bigger steps.
Peace.
Early on I had many \"signs\". Now, I can\'t remember the last time I had a \"sign\" from Jason or felt his presence. I know what you mean about the fleeting moments of peace. I am struggling greatly now with the fact that even with the signs, for me, IT\'S NOT ENOUGH!
Thank you for sharing, keep writing, keep reaching out. Sometimes your writings will help you and sometimes your writings will help another mom. Cassi will always be a part of who you are, just as Jason is for me. Never to be the same but one breath, one tear, one moment, one day...
(((hugs)))
Merrilee
How beautiful your words are to your Daughter. May she rest in peace.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss.
\"She was happy once...I felt like she would be happy again, in time.\" I am wondering if that is how our children feel about us now?
Your words resonate deeply for me and the shattering of one\'s self into a million pieces and wondering who is this woman now who is being reflected to each of us? I often look at her and feel as if she has aged at such a rapid rate right in front of my eyes. The insides manifested on the outside and is she even recognizable???
One of my friends, Laurel, who is a physic medium, clarified something for me once when we were having lunch. I told her that I must have been in \"Resource\" classes in previous lives to have received so much in this lifetime and she said quite the contrary. She said,\"Do you think a NEW soul would be given this? I think not, as this is only a path for someone who has been here many times before.\" Here I was believing that I must not have been learning my earth lessons in previous lives and now have been given the double whammy.
Tears as I read your heartfelt journal about your Cassi, such a cherished gift and this time around came to be your teacher and has increased the compassion and LOVE in your BEing because of what you are having to learn in order to move through each day as best as you are able. I laugh because I was a teacher for 25 years and now my son and this path are what are teaching more in the past six years than I have learned in my almost 60 that I have been earth side. Just wish that none of us had to be receiving these insights in this way. Could there have not been another way to \"get it?\" Deepest of sighs...
Gina, seven months... An eternity yet a nano second too. Be ever so gentle with that questioning, seeking and LOVING heart of yours.
XO Joanie