Sick
Several years ago I was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis, which means the lining of my bladder gets inflamed for no reason and there is no cure...other than drinking nothing other than water, preferably Evian water...yeah, right. So the last couple of weeks I have been suffering with the pain and assuming it was the cystitis and I just had to do the best I could until my bladder calmed down. Well, today I was feeling so bad, I went on to see my family doctor...turns out this time it was a bacterial infection that had gotten really bad. The pain of a urinary tract infection is exactly the same as the cystitis, so I didn't know. My fever was really high and I woke up with a cold sore this morning. I told her I was confused, I have not had a cold sore in 20 years, and she said it was the fever that caused it. Also, the fever is probably what has had me feeling so fatigued...I hope so anyway. I was so happy when she told me I had a UTI, because that means I can take antibiotics and get better.
Driving to the doctor, I thought of something else I did wrong with Cassi. When she was in her downward spiral the end of last year...well, I was so exhausted. She was hiding a lot from me but in November a friend of her forwarded an e-mail to me. She was terrified...usually her friends kept her secrets from me. It was bad...really bad. I thought I had tried everything else, so I decided I would try tough love. I told her I needed a break...from her. I told her to call her Daddy if she needed anything. I was trying to snap her out of it. I was determined to not call or text her for awhile...I wanted her to come to me, to make an effort for me. I thought it really would be a break and I could quit worrying...in reality it was torture. I will never, ever forget my last birthday. It was November 21st...I was at my hairdresser's...she texted me..."Happy Birthday Momma". I felt like I needed to hold out longer, and I ignored the text. Well, not really, I kept looking at it, I just didn't respond.
We were talking by Christmas, thru January...and the last time...January 31st. February 2nd she was gone.
Today on my way to the doctor I just had that image pop into my head...the birthday text... I wanted to text her back so bad!! But I was trying to teach her a lesson...sitting there in the salon acting like everything was fine, and it wasn't fine...in fact it was so much worse than I knew.
I'm sorry Cassi.
Driving to the doctor, I thought of something else I did wrong with Cassi. When she was in her downward spiral the end of last year...well, I was so exhausted. She was hiding a lot from me but in November a friend of her forwarded an e-mail to me. She was terrified...usually her friends kept her secrets from me. It was bad...really bad. I thought I had tried everything else, so I decided I would try tough love. I told her I needed a break...from her. I told her to call her Daddy if she needed anything. I was trying to snap her out of it. I was determined to not call or text her for awhile...I wanted her to come to me, to make an effort for me. I thought it really would be a break and I could quit worrying...in reality it was torture. I will never, ever forget my last birthday. It was November 21st...I was at my hairdresser's...she texted me..."Happy Birthday Momma". I felt like I needed to hold out longer, and I ignored the text. Well, not really, I kept looking at it, I just didn't respond.
We were talking by Christmas, thru January...and the last time...January 31st. February 2nd she was gone.
Today on my way to the doctor I just had that image pop into my head...the birthday text... I wanted to text her back so bad!! But I was trying to teach her a lesson...sitting there in the salon acting like everything was fine, and it wasn't fine...in fact it was so much worse than I knew.
I'm sorry Cassi.
Replies
Oh Gine, I can feel your pain, in your words. I am so sorry!! We all have thoughts of things we should have done, or should not have done. I second guess myself with everything I ever did, concerning my son. Was I a good enough mother, did he know just how much I loved him, should I have helped him more financially ? The list goes on and on.
I have to believe that Dean knew exactly how much I loved him. I would have done anything for him. I would give everything I own, for just one more chance to hold him.
I read this on someone\'s page and it is so true.
\"Sometimes, there is no next time\"...
(((((HUGS))))).....Julia
and I hadn\'t visited my son in 5 years! having fibromyalgia, never feeling well enough, not wanting to intrude into his new marriage, not having $ for a hotel, so on and so on. I\'d hitchhike there today if only he was alive!
UTI no wonder you are so tired. Hopefully the meds will get you up and about. Sometimes I wish we all have a crystal ball so that the choices we make would never cause us regret. Reality is just not that way. Our children are at peace and I hope and pray that we will have peace too. Hugs. Kathy
I hope you feel better soon from the UT problems. One of these days, you will stop second guessing yourself. We all do it. Until that time comes, we are here to listen.
Hugs,
and Peace.
Glad you have a proper diagnosis now and can take meds to get better. So sorry you\'re having to go through this! Praying for a speedy recovery!
I guess we\'ve all looked back and found all of our \"mistakes\"....or are still looking for them. Only thing I can do is when they pop up in my mind, remind myself that no matter what, right or wrong, EVERYTHING I did, I did out of love for Kala. The only one left to forgive me is me....Kala surely has! And as I\'ve said before, unless I truly forgive myself, \"I\" believe I insult my child and my God.
We have to work through all these thoughts and emotions in our own way and in our own time. You will. And as Binky said, we\'re always here to listen and to LOVE.
Tightest of heart hugs to you and Cassi!
I\'m glad you have found out its a UTI and like you said something can be done besides just waiting... I had a few times in those last desperate months when our family was struggling to deal with Cara\'s addiction and sometimes it was very painful. I felt so awful for quite awhile after Cara died... Then one day I was washing dishes... Cara was sitting on the counter just past the drain board... I could see her... Every so often back then I\'d see her, sometimes I\'d just feel her... she used to lean on my shoulder looking at what I was writing... so I was having this running dialogue with Cara about how sorry I was for all the different things I felt guilty about... Cara was saying something but I don\'t remember what... I didn\'t know for sure even then what she\'d said like a moment after it was said until she said quite clearly, \"Mom its okay. I\'m fine. I wish you wouldn\'t dwell on the bad thoughts. It doesn\'t help you and it doesn\'t help me.\" Since that was something I might wish she\'d say I tend to wonder about it... but seriously I don\'t know why... although doubts and questions come to mind... most of the time I forgive myself and I truly feel that is what Cara wanted and wants me to understand... If I was only putting words in Cara\'s mouth and a vision in my own head... and I simply don\'t know... as you know we are not totally okay... the pain is horrendous... I do believe very much our children want us to be okay... they want us to be better than okay... they want us to be happy... just like we would want them to be okay and much much more if it had been we who died. So forgive yourself... you were always trying and always loving Cassi and you\'re still trying and loving her... Hugs Elissa
I hope you are getting the treatment you need for the UTI. I can\'t imagine how dreadful you must feel. Of course the infection caused the incredible fatigue.
Cassi understands that you did the best you could do. Tough love has worked for so many - so it was certainly a strategy worth trying. Unfortunately hind sight is 20/20 - if we knew then what we know now, we would have done things differently. Unfortunately we didn\'t. It just sucks.
I hope you start to feel better soon.
Love and huge healing hugs,
Marlene
Oh Gina, I hope you feel better soon. I believe that grieving lowers our immune system and makes us more susceptible to infections, whether viral or bacterial. Please be sure to rest so you can recover more quickly.
I truly feel that our children who have passed love us so much and so unconditionally that there is no need for forgiveness. And we love them in the same way in return.
Take care dear friend.
Love,
Diane
So very glad that you went to the doctor and that you will on the mend soon.
I know that your Cassi knows you loved her to the moon and back and that you did everything you did out of love...a mother\'s love. Hugging you so very tight...Karen
Glad you got to the doctor for a diagnosis and treatment...and hope your feeling better.
Just remember hindsight is 20/20...I look back and there are so many things I would have done differently for both my girls BUT I know they love me, always have, always will...like Teri said, Cassi \"forgave\" you...now you have to forgive yourself.
Hugs, marylou