Time
Time is so surreal isn't it??? Looking at photos today on Facebook...friends children and grandchildren playing softball for the city league in Geneva...where Cassi played until 2005...just 9 years ago. She was 13, just a kid...I can't even remember why she didn't play after that. She played in high school...she was an amazing athlete, despite the fact that she was overweight and everything...everything was always more difficult for her. She still had to run the laps, the drills...she was fast on the field and the basketball court. That was just 9 years ago, that's not long is it??? I can reach out and touch the memories...5 years ago she had just graduated from high school, just 5 years!!! Then 5 months ago she was a miserable mess, just days away from taking her own life...
5 months ago!!! WHY can't I go back??? Einstein believed it was possible, quantum physics. We have all studied these things...Time is an illusion, it isn't linear like we believe it to be. I don't understand it, but I believe it, so why can't we do it???
My baby, my baby...she was my everything, EVERYTHING...and I lost her.
I don't know what I'm doing...I am just existing and I want to be with her so bad.
Oh Cassi...I miss you so much.
5 months ago!!! WHY can't I go back??? Einstein believed it was possible, quantum physics. We have all studied these things...Time is an illusion, it isn't linear like we believe it to be. I don't understand it, but I believe it, so why can't we do it???
My baby, my baby...she was my everything, EVERYTHING...and I lost her.
I don't know what I'm doing...I am just existing and I want to be with her so bad.
Oh Cassi...I miss you so much.
Replies
Gina, what you are enduring is far more tormenting than any life ending illness. I would take the extreme pain of long term cancer over this \"cancer of the soul\" any day. The graduation ceremony for the high school my daughter attended as a Junior and Senior here upstate was held last Sunday...NINE YEARS after her graduation. I remember very, very well she did not want to attend graduation. She was so sick but I couldn\'t really *see* it yet. I told her she HAD TO attend, that she had ACHIEVED something. That days was glorious for her and, \"coincidentally\", the reporter from the local newspaper chose HER to interview and photograph. She should have been valedictorian. On Long Island, her regents exam grades were all in the 99th percentile nationally and her overall grades never went below a B plus. The move here was too much but even if I had not moved us here, she would not have survived that fifty thousand ton truck of crap in her head. Never.
Einstein spoke of the apparent reality (now proven by Quantum Physics) that \"time\" is, truly, an illusion. What this means is: the entire creation (or, perhaps, just OUR consciousness) is intended to \"mark\" the passage of \"time\" for a purpose we cannot know. The next \"dimension\" or \"place\", where our children are....there is no \"time\". That\'s why Cassi seemed \"confused\" when you asked her when you would see her again. She\'s there with you now, the concept of \"time\" does not exist where her soul is. And, so far as she is concerned, you are THERE where SHE IS because you will be, in a moment, even if it takes forty years.
Look back on your life. I don\'t know if you have the kind of memory I have, it\'s a curse really: I can be back in any moment of time that my memory serves up, including before I could walk or talk. I can be about 8 months old and really experience it for a few seconds; I can be 15; I can be 24; I can be.....any age my memory serves up. Sights, sounds, smells....all of it. It is a non-stop video in my head and it is tormenting. I give it to God. There must be some purpose for this. And I KNOW, I KNOW, without DOUBT. my daughter is in paradise, free and whole, SAFE. So is yours. I\'ve said this before: God turned His head for those hours, minutes, seconds...and our children went Home because of His great mercy. THIS PLACE, despite its natural beauty: THIS LIFE, it is (as April said many times), \"horrible\". It is a constant assault, one way or another, and no one escapes, no matter how it looks from the outside: no one escapes.
You don\'t have to \"go back\" and in fact you most likely wouldn\'t be able to survive that. My \"friend\" of over 40 years, the one who refused to come to my side when my daughter passed over, the one who told the psychiatric ward (WHERE I PUT MYSELF, mind you, for three days) that I was \"psychotic\" (the Doctors disagreed): she begged me to forgive her. She said if she \"could go back I would do it differently\". Oh my God in heaven! If SHE could \"go back\" that means I would have to do that, and I would not survive that.
You are surviving, sister. And you\'re doing it alone while facing truths about your life that you ignored or discounted, and you know what I mean. You are not doing this alone. You are in my prayers every day but, more important than this, your daughter (and mine, and all of those others) appear to have been \"victim souls\". They wore A CROWN OF THORNS, and now, we wear one, each of us, but that CANNOT DEFEAT US or it defeats the purpose, the purpose we cannot know but THAT DOES EXIST. This lifetime goes by in the blink of an eye. The reason we live is not to \"accomplish\" things acknowledged by humankind: buildings, inventions, achievements, Pulitzer Prizes, Novel Laureates, NONE OF THAT MATTERS. When this creation ceases, all of those accomplishments TURN TO DUST. What matters is our personal relationship with God, I really do believe that. And I think and believe that we are now Witnesses. I know by heart how you are suffering, I have done that. It gets gentler and, if you allow it, it changes you into the perfect \"YOU\" designed deliberately to be just that: the perfect \"YOU\".
I can\'t take away your pain. I can\'t stop my own pain but I\'ve learned that it must serve a purpose. This Universe is so vast the stupid Hubble Telescope can only give us a TINY LITTLE GLIMPSE of it at a time! And it is so well ordered that everything WORKS TOGETHER. This is no accident. I think we are close to the end times and I think some (many, in fact) of our children are under serious attack but that attack is not intended to destroy them, it is intended to DEFEAT US. We must stand firm. I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST, WHO STRENGTHENS ME.
I think that the pain is what makes us stronger...you have to feel the pain of grief to move on along this journey. Yes, in the beginning it is unbearable and it doesn\'t seem like it will every lessen. As we grieve a scar starts forming and we don\'t hurt the same but we still see that scar every single day until we learn to live with it. It takes years sometimes. I noticed the difference in my 3rd year. Gentle hugs, Connie
The sorrow is great, the loss so painful. You are doing the best you can and each day leads to a gentler day somewhere down the road. Your precious daughter is with you... It isn\'t the way we would ever want it...but she is present. Take gentle care..Karen
You are grieving the worst loss on this earth that is what you are doing... Existing is what I did too for a very long time. I often thought that it was a good thing that I didn\'t have to think about breathing, because I surely would have forgotten to.
So much of this time is a fog, a blur and each of us handles this cocooning as best as we are able and that is what you are doing. The simplest of tasks become the most arduous and nothing feels worthwhile, I know...
Just BE within it as you are and I promise you with my entire being that it changes, becomes different and that this acute sorrow that you are experiencing right now will not always be with you in the way it is now. It moves aside slowly to allow life to begin to enter in once again. The two learn how to co-exist with one another within each of us in our own time and in our own way. The moms a few steps further along on this path told me this and I didn\'t believe it for a moment, yet I tucked it away as a remote possibility and I can now say that I\'m grateful that they did because what they shared did one day become my reality and it will for you too. Keep walking and trusting the power of healing.
Loving care and a soft pillow to rest upon,
XO Joanie
Time sure can play games with our minds, for sure. Love you and hang in! I am here for you.
Peace.
As Joanie said, you are grieving the worst loss in this earth. So you do whatever it takes to survive, minute by minute. As for me, slowly but surely, I began to live again. I believe you will too. Eventually the good times will be more frequent. There is no denying the fact that life is forever changed. But joy is possible.
Love to you and Cassi.
Marlene
Joanie and the others have all given you wise words. Somehow we survive. I was taken aback the first day I got through without crying. Then the was the first smile, first laugh...and guilty. I\'d catch myself singing along to a song on the radio. Baby steps forward, baby steps back. Be gentle with yourself and feel the emotions, it is the only way through it to healing. Sue xo