Moving On???
I am so scared...I feel like I am not hurting as much as I should be and I don't know why. I am so afraid Cassi will think I am starting to forget about her. It's the strangest thing, I would rather be curled up on the floor sobbing hysterically than feeling this way. It's just been a little over 3 months. I don't understand. My poor baby...
Replies
You\'re not forgetting about her. You\'re just in a fog right now. I know for me in the first few months, it just didn\'t seem real. I would find myself smiling and feel guilty about it. We just go through these stages and everybody experiences it differently. Don\'t be hard on yourself. On the good days, be glad. On the bad days, cry. Just know that everyone here understands your pain and will be supportive.
Hugs to you.
Penny
It\'s normal Gina. We all do it. Your healthy mind is protecting you. And, moments when you are not on the floor are moments to remember because when you ARE on the floor you feel it will never end. Just as Penny said, I agree 100%. You\'ll never forget Cassi and, trust me, where she \"is\" there is no sorrow, Gina. Let your healthy mind give you these \"vacations\", you will heal in your own time to the best of your ability and you will always have some \"bad\" moments but you can\'t live your life like that and God does not intend that for you either! WHY do you think you don\'t have those materials your husband went out to get yesterday? Coincidence? No. No I\'m going to say something I have heard most likely about 4,000 times: STOP TORTURING YOURSELF. Easier said than done.
Oh Dear Gina! It starts here for you. I know it is too hard to understand right now, but this is normal. I understand the fear. And with that fear that I so remember, I thought that I might forget. Forget his voice, forget what he looked like. I felt guilt. Just know that you are on the right path. You are coming out of your shock and beginning to process the reality. We are here for you when you are scared.
Peace.
You miss Cassi so much. I can assure you that you will never forget her. Binky is right. It is normal - I remember crying because I was afraid I would forget. But I didn\'t and know now that I won\'t ever forget.
Take care.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I try and reverse it in my head. If I had been the one that died, would I want my loved ones to cry and grieve me to show that they loved me. Nope! I would want nothing more than for them to live fully and let me watch it from above. I think our kids are in a healthy place now and they want to share in our joys whenever we can manage to have them. Cassi is smiling when you are, so allow yourself to let her see you smile. Hugs, Lauri
Please, don\'\'t be so hard on yourself. You will never forget Cassi, that is a fact. If you can find even a few moments of peace, allow yourself to enjoy them. You are in shock and probably will be for at least the first year. It was that way for me when I lost my husband and again when I lost my son. Be gentle with yourself....
((((HUGS))))....Julia
It is what healing looks and feels like. None of us are meant to live in acute grief for a lifetime and as the others have said when you have these nano moments of not feeling like you will implode they are so very needed. Moving into them rather than resisting takes some time, I understand that.
A mother can never forget and what you are trying to do is to learn how to live with this and not move away from it. Integrating the loss of Cassi into your life now becomes one\'s life work and I know that is where I have been for almost six years now. I do not leave my son when I live my life, yet honor his life by trying to live mine even on days that I am limping along.
Cassi has infinite wisdom now and knows your heart... Please take some comfort and solace in that when you can. I remember my heart skipping a beat the one morning I realized that I had not thought about Douglas until after I had brushed my teeth. I thought I was a terrible mom and the women here reassured me just as I am you that this was part of the healing process.
Cassi can NEVER be erased from your heart ever dear Gina and what you are describing I experienced it as well and sought comfort here to make sure that I was okay. I was and so are you even though you feel so very far from it.
Are you still painting?
Lots of love and care on walking this labyrinth back to yourself,
XO Joanie
I remember that grief and that guilt. Not wanting to go on, or feel joy, or do fun things.....because my baby was dead. How could I go on? Just now that Cassi is watching and WANTS you to feel joy. She knows you won\'t forget her - EVER! Patti
I think I can say with assurance that each and every one of us has experienced the same thing...the first time we smiled or laughed. But then I realized that our children would rather us be laughing and not crying.
I am enclosing this poem which another mom posted here years ago:
I\'M NOT SURE WHEN IT HAPPENED
By Christine Ross
I\'m not sure when it happened
But I do know that it\'s real.
Somewhere between then and now
Something changed the way I feel.
I don\'t cry every single day
But these eyes of mine still cry.
And I don\'t have a need to ask
That same old question \'why?\'
To know he lived a good life
Has given me some peace.
And I\'ve accepted that he died
But his spirit never ceased.
Passing years erased the anger
Of losing what was mine
By receiving lots of comfort
Knowing that... \"it was his time\".
The nights have been more gentle.
The dawn has turned to day.
I\'ve finally embraced this pain
That will never go away.
Realizing I can\'t change things
I have buried all my guilt.
I\'ve forgiven all the others
That didn\'t know the way I felt.
I\'ve learned to live without him,
Just because I\'ve had no choice.
His pictures bring me happiness
Just like the memory of his voice.
I\'ve heard his laughter in my own
Although I thought I never would.
I\'ve seen his smile in my own smile
Although I thought I never could.
That stabbing pain within my heart
Has turned into a dulling ache.
The breath I used to gasp for
Has quieted to a slower pace.
Those deep dark thoughts that haunted me,
The ones of death and fear and time,
Have found a special place to hide
In the corners of my mind.
I don\'t know when it happened
But I know I\'m glad it did.
I have found the \"peace in knowing\"
That he died, but that... HE LIVED!
Written by Christine Ross 2008
In Memory of Lucas Christopher Ross 1979-2001
I used to feel like you to in the beginning. I would go for 3-4 days and not crying and sick and I would think Like you \"Am I forgetting my daughter already?? What a terrible mother. My emotions were going all over anxiety panic saddness felt sick. All of it was horrible. It is all part of thr deep dispair your feeling. Grief. Big Hugs mary ann
Gina you are so right......we can\'t even wrap our minds around our profound loss. For me the times when I didn\'t feel as much, seemed to be the times I needed a break from the unspeakable pain. Many times numbness was my friend. I remember fearing I might forget my child too, but after 6 yrs I still haven\'t forgotten. I truly believe Cassi will always be close to you in your heart....a spot that is only for remembering. Sending hugs to surround & hold you so you will feel loved & cared about.
Your not forgetting her and she knows that. She would want you to feel a little better. You will have better days and not so good. This is normal. Love, Joan