Tired
I'm so tired of being sad, so tired of being abnormal, so tired of waiting for real life to start. I always assumed if anything happened to my child I would kill myself...I voiced this to her many times...what kind of mother does that??? Did she get the idea from me???
I don't even have the energy to wash my hair, yet I can't sleep, yet I can't watch t.v....too lazy to be productive, but too nervous to sleep, but unable to concentrate on television...what a mess I am. I know you all understand this, I know that and I am so grateful to have found you, but DAMN...I am so tired of it all.
I don't even have the energy to wash my hair, yet I can't sleep, yet I can't watch t.v....too lazy to be productive, but too nervous to sleep, but unable to concentrate on television...what a mess I am. I know you all understand this, I know that and I am so grateful to have found you, but DAMN...I am so tired of it all.
Replies
I never told April that I would take my life if she took hers. My own earth mother, Mae, put on me responsibility for her life over and over again by telling me I was the \"reason\" she was born. I knew it was a lie since she was a horrific non-parent. I actually raised myself. So I never put into words the intense love I felt for April although of course she knew it, I did tell her I love her, I did show her I love her, more importantly. I\'ve asked myself the question: DID I MAKE A MISTAKE by not telling her what her death would do to me? Fortunately, my therapist is well acquainted with this question. The answer is: it would have made no difference, April had no children, she did not understand the fierce love a woman has for her child. Further, suicide (especially a violent one) is a desperate act in a moment of total insanity. When a person reaches that moment, they can\'t (CANNOT) consider the consequences to others. If they were able to do that, they would be experiencing empathy and able to stand in the shoes of another person, both impossible in the grip of a psychotic episode.
She did not \"get the idea\" from you. What \"kind of mother does that.....\" - the kind who is terrified, the kind who is so terrified that she can\'t think of anything else to do but beg for her own life PLEASE do not do THIS to ME. But it wasn\'t done to you; it wasn\'t done because of you; nothing you could have said, did say, didn\'t say, would have affected the outcome. It wasn\'t about you, it was about your daughter\'s intense pain, which she hid as best she could (but of course it was visible, especially to a mother). I think this is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with; \"understanding\" it is impossible since we are not mentally ill. I\'m still struggling with it more than three years later.
I\'m tired of being sad. I\'m tired of the gaping hole in my life. I\'m tired of waking at 2AM and lying there for two hours thinking....or trying not to think. I\'m tired of the tears, of the anger I sometimes feel, of the confusion. I\'m tired of the self questioning, the feeling of rejection, the feeling of betrayal. It will change. It has to. I have to believe the SOTH to tell me that it will. So do you.
Please be gentle with yourself and know that we SOTH (sisters of the heart) have walked a similar path.
Gentlest of hugs,
Gari
I think I wrote this exact same journal in my beginning....
I hear you my friend...
I\'m sorry...
Please don\'t beat yourself up. I believe that when people are so depressed, they are too ill to consider the effect they will have on others. Your comment to her, did not affect her decision. As for asking yourself \"What kind of mother..\" I say you were a concerned, fearful, desperate mother. I would have done exactly the same thing.
Please be kind to yourself.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Grieving is such hard work...I felt so many of these emotions. Gina, be gentle with yourself.
~Leda
time.... more time...
It is the hardest work of a lifetime and just zaps everything from our beings. I know how listless, tired and just plain funky I felt ALL the time in those first weeks and months.
Just keep writing, being here, receiving and knowing that slowly, very slowly, some of this intense grief will begin to lift and morph into something else that is bearable to contain most days. You are learning how to carry this grief and sorrow with compassion so that extends to every aspect of what you are thinking and feeling. This is why you are SO tired... Just imagine all that is happening within you during this time.
Just care for yourself as best as you are able. That\'s enough for today, more than enough.
Heartfelt hugs and SO much understanding,
XO Joanie
It is minute by minute. Just go with your feelings for the moment! It is such hard work. Sometimes it hard to just breathe. One breath at a time.
Love ya, Joan
Gina, your feelings are probably much the same experience for all of us. Even a minute that you can distract yourself is a step towards healing. You will begin to build on the few moments that you are able to distract yourself, or feel even a bit more peaceful.
It is not your fault. We all blame ourselves when our kids pass away, I think. My child died of a heart attack with no prior symptoms and yet I thought I should have known that he was ill. How would I have known? I\'m so sorry. Tight hugs and please be gentle on yourself. Love to you and dear Cassi, Linda
I know that it is hard to do anything...but I remember when I realized just how you survive this...you distract yourself. I can remember the day that I got involved in something and suddenly an hour had passed. I realized I had not thought of Alex in that hour...that is how it begins. So, I challenge you to do something today...just one something that involves you doing something that will distract you! I guarantee it will help. Love and hugs...heart to heart...Karen (Alex\'s mom)