Confused
I am so, so very confused. I am hearing stories from many people about dreams...dreams about Cassi. Hearing the same things, over and over...including Cassi communicating that she didn't mean to do it. Of course, my first thought was to blame myself, even more. Did I not instruct her correctly about the gun??? My husband says we did. So how could this have happened if she didn't intend it??? So, more people are writing me...sending me articles, studies written about how many suicide victims are overmedicated at the time of their suicide. I was so angry at the medical examiner for waiting to issue a cause of death until toxicology reports were in. Maybe the medical examiner knew more than I thought. I know she was on Klonopin and probably abusing it. Suicidal tendencies are listed in possible side effects. She was also taking Depakote ans Wellbutrin. That is all I know of, but there might be more. I remember something about a sinus medication...she tried to tell me...the doctors were not listening to her, not taking her seriously. They would just write her more prescriptions...I have no idea what all she was taking... I mean, it's possible the drugs could have worsened her depression. Should I talk to a lawyer??? Try to find a way to get access to her medical records???
Replies
I believe you are doing what each of us does in our own way. I know that I tried to seek out the doctor who had prescribed the pain medication that ended my son\'s life and had him investigated. He had done \"nothing wrong\" in the eyes of the medical profession and had never been investigated. I came upon a brick wall and had to get to a place in my heart that my son is who took a lethal dose of pills and whatever the catalyst was behind it was his doing.
Those that survive suicide always say that in the moment of knowing what they have done they feel tremendous remorse and regret. It was an impulsive moment of trying to end the horrific pain they were in and that they saw no end in sight but to take their own lives.
The dreams that people are sharing only you can decide what to take in and what to be wary of. I am sure they are well meaning, yet if it places you in a pain cycle of grief that is more intense you may need to put a halt on those kinds of conversations for now...
I had to come to a place of understanding that all the information in the world about my son would not take away the fact that he was gone and what was left for me was to sit in the deep sadness of it all. No one to blame, no where to look, no answers, just my deep sorrow and to feel it.
Do whatever it is you feel you need to and know that you are not alone in the seeking and also in the final knowing that Cassi\'s actions were not about you and anything you could have or should have done differently. This was her life, her path and she sought the relief that she could not find on earth.
Loving care to your shattered heart as you wrestle with all of these questions. No mother should ever have to do such a thing and it is an unbearable pain and sorrow, yet you will make it and are...
Tightest of heart (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
This is an agonizing time for you. Why? How could she do it? Who is to blame? What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? The sad fact is that you did the best we could. We never will really know why our kids left. In Cassi\'s case it sounds like it could be attributed to drugs. Nobody is to blame. As Joanie said, this was Cassi\'s path. You did nothing wrong.
I truly believe that we come in to this world when we are meant to and we leave for the same reason. It sucks for sure and I was really angry for a long time. I also believe that we are here for a reason. Our kids accomplished what they came for. I sure don\'t know why and I wish it were the other way. But it is what it is. When Lisa and I are reunited, I have some blunt questions for her!
I am glad that you found FMO. You are not alone.
Love and big caring hugs to you and Cassi.
Marlene
Wellbutrin is a very bad drug. If there is an underlying psychosis, Wellbutrin brings it right up. My kid took it for two days, TWO DAYS, and she came to me in the middle of the night with delusions that Satan was after her.
Personal Injury lawyers are very hard to find because it is a very expensive procedure bringing such a lawsuit. I know, I did it. But you can certainly try. And you have every right to the ME\'s records, the death certificate, all her belongings (except the weapon, they will keep it for one year and destroy it) but you need a lawyer. No one shoots themselves in the head by accident unless they are playing \"russian roulette\" (some kids might be dumb enough to do this, feeling immortal as they do). Let me say: remember I told you I gave April the bottle of Klonipin because she said she felt like a baby? Well she was behaving NORMAL when she said that to me. Yes I was responsible for giving it to her. No I was not responsible for what she did with it. The day I gave her the car keys to go shopping by herself (something she NEVER did) there was NO real indication that she was manic and suicidal, none. What she did next I am not responsible for, no one is, no one in their right mind could possibly consider the possibility that a young woman would take a shotgun out into a parking lot and turn it on herself. No one.
You have rights as her surviving heirs and parents. I don\'t know what manner of lawyer you need, perhaps a criminal attorney since the use of any weapon for deadly results is a crime.