Sad

I am sad today...I know this is part of the whole process...was on an upswing, today I just sad. I see so much that reminds me of Cassi...scrolling through the channels, The Rugrats Movie is playing. Cassi absolutely loved the Rugrats. Times were simpler back then and very, very sweet, though I didn't know it at the time. It flew by, of course...there is absolutely nothing I would not do to have her back...especially if I could have her back as a baby, so I could do it all over again, but better. I am smarter and more mature now. I'm just so sad. Not hysterical, just sad and resigned to the fact that my baby really is gone. I miss her so much. I didn't see her every day, didn't even communicate everyday...but I COULD. I don't have that option anymore.
I am still grateful she isn't suffering...I still feel that gratitude...just wish she wouldn't have had to endure all the suffering to begin with. I wish she could have had a normal life...or just a life. If I could have her back, could move her home...just her presence...
Please don't judge me. I promised myself I was going to lead a more honest life, more authentic...so in writing my thoughts down it just has to come out. I want to be with her so bad. I believe she is happy now, I believe she is healthy now...I believe, I believe, I believe...but I wish I could be with her. But I know, I KNOW, the only way to do that would be unbearable to my loved ones...my sweet husband watches me with worried eyes...he knows what I think. He lost his daughter too, he's not going to lose his wife. I'm just sad today, that's all. Maybe tomorrow will be better.