Lonely
Sad, lonely, depressed...I know that the way I am feeling is only a touch of what my baby was feeling when she ended her life. She had suffered so much and given up hope...and something pushed her over the edge that day. She had been teetering for a long time. Grasping at strings to hold on to and I guess the particular one she was depending on broke. My heart and life are in shambles. I have a decent day and think I am moving on, then it changes. Sometimes it's a song, or just the thought of a song that sends me reeling. I knew she was in trouble but I was both living in denial and holding on to hope.
I feel people losing their patience with me. I think they are wondering why I can't just get on with it...I guess sometimes I wonder why I can't get on with it. When I do have an occasional happy moment, I have to admit I feel guilty. Why do I deserve to be happy when my baby wasn't happy? A well-intentioned friend made suggestions of a "grief retreat". It looks like a very expensive trip. How could I go on an expensive retreat when my baby was trying to live on her paycheck from the first job she got after graduation? She was living in a crappy apartment in a crappy neighborhood with 2 other roommates because that was what they could afford. I offered to get her a better apartment, but she wanted to be independent and she was stubborn...and it was in the back yard of that crappy apartment where she took her last breath.
Dear God please help me...please...even praying for comfort makes me feel guilty. I should have prayed more for her, for her peace.
29 days...29 without my Cassi Leann...the perfect baby God gave me.
I feel people losing their patience with me. I think they are wondering why I can't just get on with it...I guess sometimes I wonder why I can't get on with it. When I do have an occasional happy moment, I have to admit I feel guilty. Why do I deserve to be happy when my baby wasn't happy? A well-intentioned friend made suggestions of a "grief retreat". It looks like a very expensive trip. How could I go on an expensive retreat when my baby was trying to live on her paycheck from the first job she got after graduation? She was living in a crappy apartment in a crappy neighborhood with 2 other roommates because that was what they could afford. I offered to get her a better apartment, but she wanted to be independent and she was stubborn...and it was in the back yard of that crappy apartment where she took her last breath.
Dear God please help me...please...even praying for comfort makes me feel guilty. I should have prayed more for her, for her peace.
29 days...29 without my Cassi Leann...the perfect baby God gave me.
Replies
I think we all have regrets, after we lose our child. Why didn\'t I say or do things differently?? I have regrets about not helping my son more financially. I was helping a friend move, that lived in the same apt. complex, that my son and his wife lived in.I was so tired, after that last load, that I told myself i will call him tomorrow and go over to see him. I did not take the elevator up to his apt. and I never got the chance to see him again. The next day he had a massive heart attack and died. I have such guilt and regrets about that, but I had no way of knowing, what would happen and neither did you, about your daughter.
Try not to beat yourself up about things you can not change. I do not believe your daughter or my son would want us to punish ourselves, for things we can not change. Grief is a terrible thing and we don\'t need to add guilt to our issues.
I havn\'t been to a retreat yet and don\'t know if I ever will. Some say they liked it and some didn\'t. I think it matters a lot, where you are in your grief journey. I am not ready at 2 yrs, so you at 29 days may not be ready either. It is very expensive, but if you can afford it and waqant to go, it would be worth it, I think
Try to rest and get some sleep. You really must take care of yourself. Being deep in grief and being sick too is extremely hard. I will be praying for you and your daughter.
((((HUGS))))....Julia
I totally agree with Julia. This ordeal is certainly a roller coaster of emotions. No use in the woulda, shoulda, couldas! Guilt is so hard but soon you will know you did the very best you could with your daughter at the time. We all did.
Do not worry about how other people think it is time for you to move on. They plain just don\'t understand and hopefully they never will. Most of us feel this way the rest of our lives, although it does get better, I promise!
For now breathe and baby steps,
Leda
Please do not feel guilty to pray for comfort and healing for yourself. It is not a selfish act, yet one of taking care of nurturing yourself.
There is not a mother on this planet whether their child is on this earth side or not that does not feel guilt over their choices with their children. It goes with parenthood and for me it has been a time of trying to be as forgiving with myself as I try to be with others. It\'s a work in progress indeed.
These thoughts and feelings will be cycled through, yet in time they are not felt with such intensity. You are in acute grief right now and it is a place where you must be for now, yet not for a lifetime. No one has the timetable for you and one month is a drop in the bucket so if others are frustrated so be it. My address book has become much slimmer since my son\'s loss and that\'s okay.
Feel it all as you are and then allow yourself a simple pleasure. Whether it\'s a soak in the tub, a hot cup of tea, time to read, a comfort food, creating something with your hands, meditating, a massage, a nap... You fill in the blank and give yourself this gift because it is needed and you are so very deserving of it. Your love of your daughter is not measured in how deeply you grieve, yet in how fiercely you are trying to heal and live your life to honor hers. It takes time and I know how much I disliked hearing that from the other moms who were a few steps further along on this path, yet I just kept showing up to the life I\'d been given and doing what they told me to do. Keep taking those baby steps and breathe... I listened and here I am five plus years later and still standing because of their wisdom. No one else told me to do that...
Loving care today and in the ones ahead.
XO Joanie
DEAR GINA; IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR DAUGHTER CHOOSE TO TAKE HER OWN LIFE. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW THE REASON. LIKE YOU SAID YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT HER FOR 5 YEARS. I FELT GUILTY WHEN MY DAUGHTER DIED. I BLAMED MYSELF I WAS A LOUSEY MOTHER I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE MORE, SHE DIED IN HOSPITAL IT TOOK HER 81 DAYS TO DIE. I WATCHED HER SUFFER FOR SO LONG. IT IS PART OF THE GRIEVING PROCESS. AND IT TALES LONGER THEN A MONTH TO NOT FEEL SO MUCH TURMOIL AND DEEP DISPAIR. IT IS HORRIBLE BUT WE NEVER THOUGHT OUR KIDS WERE GOING TO DIE. I WISH I HAD THE WORDS TO CONFORT YOU OR EVEN MYSELF I DON,T I JUST GO DAY TO DAY. SEE HOW THING ARE GOING. THE FIRST 2 YEARS AFFTER ROZ. PASSED I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO GO CRAZY THE FIRST MONTH ALL I DID WAS CRY AND SLEEP SO TIRED AND WORN OUT. BLESS YOUR PRECIOUS ANGEL HUGS MARY ANN