Better Day

I feel much better today than I did yesterday...yesterday was the one month anniversary of the death of my child. I'm not happy, but I am better. It's so sad, looking back through the years, even when I was pregnant with her. I had so many hopes, I was going to give her a better life than I had. She was born, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and it felt like she was my entire heart with arms and legs. She grew...so fast. When she started kindergarten it was so traumatic for me that I first started taking anti-depressants. I had needed them for a long time, but the event of her going to school was what pushed me over the edge and I finally got help. Life happened...she kept growing...we were so close, had such a special bond. I thanked God every day for her. I was so grateful to have such a sweet, smart, loving child, so well-behaved and never any trouble at all. Life kept happening, she kept growing. There is so much you can see in retrospect that you don't see at the time. I missed out on so much...so much time with her that I wish I could get back. I continued to be amazed by her, by what a fortunate mother I was, until her senior year in high school when depression started wrapping it's ugly arms around her...it was like a black tree with roots and branches...we cut some off, beat some back, yet it kept coming, kept growing, wrapping around my baby, suffocating her. I have been desperately learning about Near Death Experiences...so hoping it's real, that she still exists and is better off and I will see her again. If I did not have that hope to keep me going, I just don't know what I would do. I know I can't have her back, here... but someday, Oh My Dear God Please...let us be reunited.