Sad
It is coming to the end on the day...Sunday the 2nd of March...exactly 28 days since I lost my baby. My husband thinks I am doing better because I am not crying as much, but I don't feel like I am doing better. I am just sad...it's a quiet, resigned sad...a, this is reality sad.
There have been some faithful moms talking to me on here, always leaving comments that help, they are so far ahead of me on the learning curve. Everyone says it will get better and I truly believe that. I guess it's just getting to that point that seems such a daunting task. Brushing my teeth seems a daunting task. How long can you hold on to that tiny bit of denial??? The more you move on, the more of the denial you have to let go of, I suppose.
It seems like it has been a lifetime!!! I look at others early journal entries that talk about how they can't believe it's been a month, 2 months, a year...as if time passed so quickly. It hasn't been that way for me.
I just miss her...so bad. Still check my phone to see if she has texted me. I can't take her number off my phone, no way. As a matter of fact, sometimes I call her number just to hear her say her name, just to hear the voice of HER...my heart.
I know the death of a child is never easy, but I feel like I got the worst of everything. I don't know. There is no way of knowing. If she had been in a fatal crash or something sudden...if she had not CHOSEN to die, would it be any easier??? No way of knowing. Knowing that she was in so much pain that she chose to die, that she did it the way she did it...no playing around, no fake gesture...girls rarely commit suicide with a gun. My mother and sister are convinced she didn't mean to do it...how could she not have meant to??? She had taken all her pills, but still...I think it would actually hurt me worse to think that she didn't mean to, that she was just crying out for attention and it was an accident. One of the few comforts I get is that she is no longer in pain, that she ended her pain.
Her perfume...the Britney Spears in the pink bottle...One of her tee shirts still smells like it. I bury my nose in it and feel simultaneously sad and happy. Everything is bittersweet now, everything. I look thru my scrapbooks...pictures of her throughout her life...times she was happy, and it hurts. Everything hurts. I want to be with her...I can't put my loved ones through another suicide...I feel like it would cause a chain reaction, that my family would start dropping like flies.
They know what I think about. They watch me and worry about me, that I might act impulsively during one of my episodes...when the grief demon invades me...I have made promises...it must stop here! It must! There must be a purpose to this. I had more confidence in that 2 weeks ago, that I was meant to help others...but that is waning and I feel I am not getting better, I am getting worse.
Thank you Moms...someday I hope to be as strong as some of you. That is my hope.
There have been some faithful moms talking to me on here, always leaving comments that help, they are so far ahead of me on the learning curve. Everyone says it will get better and I truly believe that. I guess it's just getting to that point that seems such a daunting task. Brushing my teeth seems a daunting task. How long can you hold on to that tiny bit of denial??? The more you move on, the more of the denial you have to let go of, I suppose.
It seems like it has been a lifetime!!! I look at others early journal entries that talk about how they can't believe it's been a month, 2 months, a year...as if time passed so quickly. It hasn't been that way for me.
I just miss her...so bad. Still check my phone to see if she has texted me. I can't take her number off my phone, no way. As a matter of fact, sometimes I call her number just to hear her say her name, just to hear the voice of HER...my heart.
I know the death of a child is never easy, but I feel like I got the worst of everything. I don't know. There is no way of knowing. If she had been in a fatal crash or something sudden...if she had not CHOSEN to die, would it be any easier??? No way of knowing. Knowing that she was in so much pain that she chose to die, that she did it the way she did it...no playing around, no fake gesture...girls rarely commit suicide with a gun. My mother and sister are convinced she didn't mean to do it...how could she not have meant to??? She had taken all her pills, but still...I think it would actually hurt me worse to think that she didn't mean to, that she was just crying out for attention and it was an accident. One of the few comforts I get is that she is no longer in pain, that she ended her pain.
Her perfume...the Britney Spears in the pink bottle...One of her tee shirts still smells like it. I bury my nose in it and feel simultaneously sad and happy. Everything is bittersweet now, everything. I look thru my scrapbooks...pictures of her throughout her life...times she was happy, and it hurts. Everything hurts. I want to be with her...I can't put my loved ones through another suicide...I feel like it would cause a chain reaction, that my family would start dropping like flies.
They know what I think about. They watch me and worry about me, that I might act impulsively during one of my episodes...when the grief demon invades me...I have made promises...it must stop here! It must! There must be a purpose to this. I had more confidence in that 2 weeks ago, that I was meant to help others...but that is waning and I feel I am not getting better, I am getting worse.
Thank you Moms...someday I hope to be as strong as some of you. That is my hope.
Replies
Dear Gina: Just finished reading your so sad journal, your daughter has been gone only 28 days , her death was so sad. It is so hard to accept, right now and you might never accept it. I have never accepted my daughter was killed in an incomptant hospital. It killed me she died in 2003 i still look at her picture and tears come. you never planned on your dying no mother does. I was very lucky I had my sister we talked every day for almost 2 years over and over what happened to my Roz. Do you have asister or friend who would listen to you when you just needed to talk on a phone or in person. It was what helped me and Fmo. I,am not strong after 10 years , i still sob and think of her all her struggles with Lupus physically and mentally. 13 years of suffering and I was not strong I would hang up and just cry. Give your self time to get through the first stage of grief. I,am so sorry. Bless your angel hugs mMary ANN
I don\'t think of myself as being strong, but maybe I am, just to be still alive after all the losses in my life. The way I deal with the loss of my son, is not to deal with it. I try not to think about him, like when he was here and I was waiting for a phone call from him. Yes, a phone call that never comes!!
This is after two years!! You are so new in grief and it is so very raw, right now. You are probably in shock, just as most of us were, during the first year.
Please, try to rest, eat and take care of yourself.That is so important, to be able to just survive.
(((((HUGS))))).....Julia
Gina, I just finished reading this journal entry. My heart aches for you...I lost my son, Erick, in 2007 he was 23 and the light of my life. I know that may seem like a long time ago but for us here it\'s a journey. We now have a new reality that we wake up to each day. You will in time find the strength to wake up, brush your teeth, eat a meal, read a book and deal with the everyday details of life. But you are NOT ALONE we are all here to help.
Sending you love and hugs for strength and support, Vera
yes dear I also hated to wake up each day.. it was an effort to just breath .. nothing seemed to matter anymore.. just wanted to die to to be with my baby.. It was an effort just to get up.. .. just to do anything.. I didn\'t want to be around anyone.. I never knew when i\'d burst into tears.. then?? some days is just go numb. other days?? id cry so hard I thought id never never stop.. my heart felt like it was going to burst.. never went through uch pain in my life.. even an effort to get dressed I didn\'t want to.. everything little things seems to be such an effort.. You\'re not alone in any of your feelings...
My heart at times felt like it would burst... JUST burst..
Im here for you anytime you want to message me..
love you sweetie..
Dusty
Nevvas momma..