What now
So it's been 25 days...Very, very sad today. I just don't know what to do. I can't keep any appointments, I can't get off this couch, I can't do anything. The phone rings and I don't answer. It doesn't ring and I wonder if everyone has forgotten about me. Nobody can do anything right. I can't stand people trying to push me...I don't want to do anything. I see my husband staring at me, worried...I can't find the strength to reassure him...that I'll be okay...that I will live. I just don't know...I feel like I could just sit here and rot in my pajamas. How long will I be allowed to be this way. What if I have to go back to work and I'm not ready. I know I am not capable right now...but it hasn't gotten better, just more quiet. I am not screaming and hysterical...I am resigned. Resigned to a life without my only child. I will never have a grandchild. I wonder how I will answer if, in the future someone asks me if I have children. Polite, social conversation, but there is no answer that will seem appropriate. I don't want to get into the whole story with new people. I don't want to meet new people. I can't handle the people I know now...My friends are on tv. They entertain me...The Chew, The Talk, etc. They keep me up to date on what's going on in the world, don't expect anything from me. I have no energy. I have nothing to give, I am just trying to keep breathing, make it to another day. Am I resigned??? Am I willing to settle for this??? To be honest, I can't say. I'm just waiting. Waiting for the answer to come, waiting for a sign. Oh, what am I to do?????
Replies
You ask, \"what am I to do?\" Just exactly what you are doing... Just surviving the day as best as possible doing it your way and in your own time.
The pain is so intense and the fog so very thick and deep. You are doing what you can to make it through the moments and there is nothing more that you can expect from yourself.
I remember timing it \"just right\" so that I would not run into neighbors as I got the mail because it was more than I could bear to stand there and look at their faces when I knew I was wearing my insides on my outside too.
Please just keep doing what you are and knowing that there are loving hearts here to hold this space for you. This is not something that any of us ever get over yet somehow we move through it in our unique ways and there are some common tethers that bind us. FMO is such an anchor and tether for me because I honestly felt such isolation and loneliness in my sorrow until I could come here and read and know that I wasn\'t that freak in the circus and that others were surviving their losses and learning how to live with it in time. Not even imaginable for me, yet I tucked the seed away in my being until I was ready to allow it some sunlight and oxygen.
I\'m with you, I care and I hear you on all levels. Inhaling, exhaling, with pauses in the midst and wondering of that I am certain how you could even still be here with such a broken and shattered heart... Longing for your beloved daughter, Cassi, and still in that thin space between worlds is how it felt for me. Just not feeling as if I \"fit\" anywhere, yet on some level keeping everything as simple as I could I am here five and half years later and not even sure how I could be? You will BE here too...
Tender hugs and keep writing when you feel up to it and able. It matters as do YOU!
XO Joanie
Just sit. Just cry. Just scream. Just curse. Just do or don\'t do anything you need/want/can. That\'s it right now. \"Right now\". Different days are coming. But today, it\'s just survival.
I was mad at everyone and everything for a very long time. I found it best to come here and release the energy by writing journals. It helped. A lot. I found I couldn\'t push myself too hard. I couldn\'t expect anything of myself because it was such a roller coaster of emotions....numb and staring at walls one minute, screaming and cussing to the top of my lungs the next.
Try not to worry too much about future conversations...oh, they\'re coming...but you don\'t have to fret about it right now. Whether we say we have a child in Spirit or not....whether we even voice the fact that we ever had a child on this earth...means nothing other than in those moments we are responding in whatever way helps US....not for the benefit of others. When asked, if you fear more questions and just don\'t want to deal with it, and you say NO, good for you and do NOT feel guilty! Cassi knows your heart and your love!!! Nothing else matters. If you say YES, but I prefer not to talk about it, good for you, and do not feel guilty! If you can say YES, but my precious daughter is now living in Paradise, good for you! If and when you can share Cassi with others, good for you!! It\'s never about how we answer these questions...it\'s only about our healing journey. Our kids know the truth!!! And they know how very much we love them. And I am SURE they all only want us to do the best we can....no matter what that looks like!!!
25 days my precious friend.....only 25 days....the blink of an eye, and yet a lifetime.... I know. I hear you. I care.
Hugging you with my whole heart~~Teri
Thank you so much ladies...someday I hope I can offer wise and kind words. Thank you so much...It\'s so weird, I think I want to be left alone, but I write in the journal and am so happy to see 2 messages. Like, I want to be invisible but still...I need support. This way is so much better for me. I can communicate without having to get out, without having to even answer the phone. Perfect, perfect answer Teri...I can say, \"I have a daughter, she is in Heaven.\" I am pretty perceptive. If I am in the mood to talk and the person has genuine concern, maybe I will elaborate...but if I don\'t, that should shut them up. Today, I painted a little...actually washed my hair...seemed like an insurmountable thing to do, but I did it...and at least I feel clean.
I understand & can relate to what you said about wanting to be left alone, yet needing support. My therapist said that\'s most likely why I do much better with FMO than going to a support group. At FMO we can come & go based on how we are feeling. There\'s no pressure here & no judgements.....just genuine heartfelt support. There are various kinds of therapy & support out there.....you will find what speaks to your heart. Sending gentle hugs dear friend to hold you close....because the pain can be unbearable. Love, Vicki
I so understand everything that you are saying because I felt the very same way. Didn\'t want to talk to anybody because I was either crying, or being so mad that I knew everybody would want \"to fix me\". I wanted to scream and scream and cuss some more that \"I can be fixed\". Just take your time and no there is no right or wrong way in this horrible journey we are all on.
Nell
it tool me a long time just to do some cleaning.... I sat,,, I watched tv,,, it keeps me company,,,, and I sat,,, I cried,,, I screamed,,, but,,, I had to go to work,,, and I am resentful because of it,,,, so wish I could have sat in my pjs a lot longer,,, keep coming here,,,, keep writing,,, we love you,,
You are doing exactly what you need to do. Each of us handle our journey in the way it is best for us. I went back to work after each of the girls passing and for me it has been a good distraction. I am still numb but somewhat functioning. I wish you peace. Love, Kathy
Much good advice written by the Moms above. Your wound is still so fresh and raw--it will take time to not be so painful--give yourself plenty of slack and don\'t take on too much. Your job now is to recover your balance and that will take a lot of energy, so please parcel it out sparingly to others. Don\'t be surprised if you find yourself distracted and absent minded--\"processing\" what happens works our brains full time, even when asleep...Recovery is slow but entirely is possible...If you believe in a Higher Power, now is the time to put Him to work! Ask for His help and don\'t give up! Love, Donna
Please know you are doing exactly what you should be doing and feeling. I sat at my son\'s gravesite for weeks. I had some of the same thoughts about digging him up. I planned it, who I could hire and the time of day it could happen. Scream, cry, vent do all that feels right at the moment. Don\'t worry about others at this time. Just take care of you right now. Just know you are in the right place and SOTH will help heal your heart. Gentle hugs from this side of the screen. Cindy, Mother of Brett