Hope

I am really, really glad I found this site...It was brought to my attention by Brinel Graham, thr grandmother of Cassi's long time on-again/off-again girlfriend. Yesterday I had the worst day, literally, that ever, worse day than when it happened. I was begging for help, anything...she sent me the address to this site. I made it thru the day and I hope today is better. I guess it will take me a little while to get acquainted with the site, how it work, etc. But I'm glad I found it, glad I am here. I started a blog several days ago for many reasons. It truly makes me feel better to write. I want to remember everything and I need to record things as soon as possible. There was a lot of time I am afraid I missed during those first few days...maybe due to the medication or the grief of a combination. I have been told that it's natures way, to block out the worst memories...for your own well being. But I have a different plan. I want my story told, and I want to remember everything...someday, if I survive this, someday I might meet another mother who is in pain. I want to help. I don't know yet where it will all lead I am just running on instinct and my instinct is telling me to write, to record. The life I have left must have purpose, it's the only way I can go on, and I want to help. Right now I need help...I have to make it thru this horrible forest, this nightmare and it isn't going to be fast and it isn't going to be easy. But what gives me hope, besides the hope of seeing my baby again someday, my dearest, dearest hope...but what gives me hope is that maybe someday I will be able to help. I will be able to do good works, I will make a difference. My life can not be lived for myself anymore. I have to find a way to be of service, in honor of my daughter and in testament to my strength that I survived.