I haven't written in my journal for quite some time now, life has just been too busy. A lot has happened in my life since my last entry. My mother has been very sick has been in & out of the hospital since September. I've been very busy running back and forth to the hospital with her and worrying about her. I've been considering adoption and I've even filled out an application but I haven't turned it in yet. Today as I was sorting clothes to do laundry, my DH tells me it's time for open enrollment for insurance benefits at his job (last time we used his flexible spending account to help pay for IVF) and he asked me was I going to try IVF again. I didn't know what to say, I had pretty much given up on IVF and decided to close that chapter of my life. I thought we both had decided that we wouldn't spend sooo much money on a big maybe that we had already got two BFN's with. I asked him did he want to try IVF again and he just said "that's up to you". Well to be truthful, I don't want to try IVF again, I don't want to put either one of us through that pain again, the doctor never told us why our embryos stopped growing either time, so why would another cycle make a difference. I feel like it would probably just end the same way because we still don't know what the problem was with the other cycles. I know my DH, and I know that unless I say I want to try IVF again he won't push the issue because he doesn't want to pressure me, but I wonder if that was his way of saying he wants to try again. If so,  I feel like I owe it to him to try if that's what he wants to do, I mean I still want a baby more than anything. But I really don't want to do IVF again, so I think I will just leave that conversation alone. GOD I JUST WISH I COULD HAVE GOTTEN PREGNANT NATURALLY!!! I almost forgot, I found out like a week ago that my 25 year old neice is pregnant with her first child. Now get this, she rarely holds down a stable job, her and the father aren't even a couple. When I found out I tried not to get angry but I must admit there was a twinge of pain. I consoled myself by saying, "maybe God blessed her with a child to get her to turn her life around", that seemed to help, I'm not upset over it. I just don't understand, but it's not for me to understand. I'm trying to stay positive and not fall back into the trap of letting IF consume my life. I refuse to let life pass me by because I was obsessed with IF, I have IF and that's that. Life goes on, with or without children.