I haven't written in my journal for quite some time now, life has just been too busy. A lot has happened in my life since my last entry. My mother has been very sick has been in & out of the hospital since September. I've been very busy running back and forth to the hospital with her and worrying about her. I've been considering adoption and I've even filled out an application but I haven't turned it in yet. Today as I was sorting clothes to do laundry, my DH tells me it's time for open enrollment for insurance benefits at his job (last time we used his flexible spending account to help pay for IVF) and he asked me was I going to try IVF again. I didn't know what to say, I had pretty much given up on IVF and decided to close that chapter of my life. I thought we both had decided that we wouldn't spend sooo much money on a big maybe that we had already got two BFN's with. I asked him did he want to try IVF again and he just said "that's up to you". Well to be truthful, I don't want to try IVF again, I don't want to put either one of us through that pain again, the doctor never told us why our embryos stopped growing either time, so why would another cycle make a difference. I feel like it would probably just end the same way because we still don't know what the problem was with the other cycles. I know my DH, and I know that unless I say I want to try IVF again he won't push the issue because he doesn't want to pressure me, but I wonder if that was his way of saying he wants to try again. If so, I feel like I owe it to him to try if that's what he wants to do, I mean I still want a baby more than anything. But I really don't want to do IVF again, so I think I will just leave that conversation alone. GOD I JUST WISH I COULD HAVE GOTTEN PREGNANT NATURALLY!!! I almost forgot, I found out like a week ago that my 25 year old neice is pregnant with her first child. Now get this, she rarely holds down a stable job, her and the father aren't even a couple. When I found out I tried not to get angry but I must admit there was a twinge of pain. I consoled myself by saying, "maybe God blessed her with a child to get her to turn her life around", that seemed to help, I'm not upset over it. I just don't understand, but it's not for me to understand. I'm trying to stay positive and not fall back into the trap of letting IF consume my life. I refuse to let life pass me by because I was obsessed with IF, I have IF and that's that. Life goes on, with or without children.
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Hey Glad to see you are back! I often visited you to see what was goin on in your part but you hadn\'t been writing. Now we know why. Your poor mother, it sux not being healthy and having to go in & out of hospitals. It feels sorta like a loss of control of your life having drs. dictate what you have to do, but I suppose they know whats best for her to get her well hey! Your entry sounds like how I felt with ivf for a while, then I read the stories on this site about how people have had 4, even up to 10 attepmts at it & I thought to myself, well I haven\'t really had it that bad have I, considering what these other women have been through. And most of them have finally had success. Then again....we just cannot gauge their experiences on our own efforts \'cos everybody feels pain differently and it is a personal choice in the end. Men are funny hey? If my hubby said that, I would know that it is his way of wanting to try again \'cos they don\'t really communicate openly like that, well mine doesn\'t ;) He would also say \"What eva you like\" aswell. Which actually frustrates me \'cos all I want him to do is take control of the descision, and say \"Yep, lets try again!\" I also think the adoption system is a little unfair for us who want to try ivf to get pregnant. In Australia, you can\'t be on an ivf program if you want to adopt...so it\'s like you have to put your plans with ivf on hold until you get an adopted baby/child which isn\'t even garunteed & the waiting period is a long time I hear? They should allow you to be able to do ivf & then when you have a confirmed pregnancy, be taken off their waiting list or something. It just doesn\'t give you enough options. You sound like a strong person, to make that descision would\'ve been hard, but either way what you want is to be a mother and gods speed to you to have that wish fullfilled! Sorry for blabbing on, I just remember being in that place & filling out the adoption papers but I actually tried that first, then decided to try ivf for a while then go back to adoption options if ivf failed. I didn\'t even really set a goal with the no. of attempts I would try with ivf either? I feel like the aging process is rushing me along. Whenit is in the hands of god, it\'s the unknown...I just wish we could all have a magic crystal ball to tell us our future so we could all get some peace! Good luck with the adoption papers too, it\'s alot of info hey!
Holy crap, I just saw how much I wrote!!!!Sorry, hope you fell like a good read..this baby-making stuff really gets me talkn\'!!!