Tuesday
Well, it's Tuesday and the Christmas buzz is certainly here @ school. The kids are excited as well as the staff for Christmas break. I am doing Secret Santa this year which is always a bright spot to my day. We drew names in the office so we will exchange gifts on Thursday (last day with students)...Other than that my house is quiet.....I will have Christmas with Hunter a day prior to Christmas Eve and no other plans.....SIGH......I just want it to be over. My loneliness magnifies on Christmas Eve without my mom & daughter. Why am I an only child? I hate it!!!!!
Hunter is making poor choices at the young age of 15..Hunter's grades are not good....He is questioning his sexuality; He has made it very clear that God doesn't exist in his world and his mom was a Jesus Freak. My heart is heavy - Jennifer had him on a path that she wanted him to go and now this extended family that he is living with have few boundaries and Hunter is on a wavy road.....no judgement, please for this grandma who feels so damn guilty...Was the right decision made? Hunter has also had a problem with lying to your face even though proof is before him.....This is nothing new as he did this as a little boy which his mom tried and tried to break him of it. As you may know, Jennifer was adopted @ 3 days old which doesn't make her any less mine but in saying that, there are genetic things that Jennifer's biological mom has (Schizophrenia) Jennifer strugged with OCD and had a diagnosis of bi-polar in high school but with her drug use, it was very difficult to know what was real and drugs....Hunter's dad is also adopted so we have no genetic information.....Now I'm not saying Hunter has the cards stacked against him - His mom believed for god's healing touch and prayed over him many, many times that all of this "biological" stuff would not touch him.....it is what it is, right?
Some of these problems that Hunter is experiencing have been long term, however his mom dying, the environmental changes, I'm sure play a part......I want so bad to be the Savior for him - I somehow feel like this grandma SHOULD be able to fix this and make his life wonderful, right???? There I go again, shoulda, woulda, coulda...UGH.. There is so much more that has been going on with me and how I feel or what I think but I wanted you to know just a little as to why my heart is so damn heavy......
Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer - I miss you so much and your son needs you with all your wackiness at times....I'm just so damn sad.....SIGHÂ
Sorry for the pity party....it's not effective, I know. It doesn't hurt anyone but me.... I will see Hunter this week-end and continue to love him, talk with him when he will and pray everyday that the demons that his mom often fought don't land on him. Hunter does have a counseling appointment on Thursday because of some things that have been happening @ home....keep him in your thoughts.....Thank you.
Hunter is making poor choices at the young age of 15..Hunter's grades are not good....He is questioning his sexuality; He has made it very clear that God doesn't exist in his world and his mom was a Jesus Freak. My heart is heavy - Jennifer had him on a path that she wanted him to go and now this extended family that he is living with have few boundaries and Hunter is on a wavy road.....no judgement, please for this grandma who feels so damn guilty...Was the right decision made? Hunter has also had a problem with lying to your face even though proof is before him.....This is nothing new as he did this as a little boy which his mom tried and tried to break him of it. As you may know, Jennifer was adopted @ 3 days old which doesn't make her any less mine but in saying that, there are genetic things that Jennifer's biological mom has (Schizophrenia) Jennifer strugged with OCD and had a diagnosis of bi-polar in high school but with her drug use, it was very difficult to know what was real and drugs....Hunter's dad is also adopted so we have no genetic information.....Now I'm not saying Hunter has the cards stacked against him - His mom believed for god's healing touch and prayed over him many, many times that all of this "biological" stuff would not touch him.....it is what it is, right?
Some of these problems that Hunter is experiencing have been long term, however his mom dying, the environmental changes, I'm sure play a part......I want so bad to be the Savior for him - I somehow feel like this grandma SHOULD be able to fix this and make his life wonderful, right???? There I go again, shoulda, woulda, coulda...UGH.. There is so much more that has been going on with me and how I feel or what I think but I wanted you to know just a little as to why my heart is so damn heavy......
Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer - I miss you so much and your son needs you with all your wackiness at times....I'm just so damn sad.....SIGHÂ
Sorry for the pity party....it's not effective, I know. It doesn't hurt anyone but me.... I will see Hunter this week-end and continue to love him, talk with him when he will and pray everyday that the demons that his mom often fought don't land on him. Hunter does have a counseling appointment on Thursday because of some things that have been happening @ home....keep him in your thoughts.....Thank you.
Replies
Oh Vicki, my heart breaks for you! Jennifer and Hunter too! It has to be so hard to watch a grandchild grow up and have less control than when your own child started making his/her decisions. It is something it does not seem like I will ever know. None the less, I hurt along with the grandmothers\' who are my sisters of the heart here. Thank you for reminding me to keep the prayers going for Hunter.
Adopted or not, there are genetic things that go into every family experience that challenge us. Maybe more so with adopted, we did not get the opportunity to adopt the foster daughter we had for three years. I guess we will always wonder about such things. I know you did the best you could as we all did...
I am glad you have the bright spot of Secret Santa. I always enjoyed that in the schools too. I hope the time off will be a blessing for you and that the loneliness does not set in. It is hard being the only child, I am too. I know you miss your mom and daughter horribly. The second year without Josh was so hard for me. I remain grateful to spend the holiday with my dear husband and son. It will probably be a quiet dinner at home but I am determined to make the most of it!
Sending you love, prayers and tight hugs during this time,
Leda
Dearest Vicki... It is not a pity party to come here and express what is in your heart and thoughts. I can feel your heaviness and worry and certainly understand why you would feel this way about Hunter. You want only the very best for him and at this time it is looking and feeling as if he is doing what teens do... Trying to find his own way, seeking and of course, you cannot help but wonder how different this might look and feel for him if his mom were earth side.
Just know that I\'m walking beside you and am prayerful that Hunter can find his way during these very unsure times for him. One thing that this rock solid is your LOVE for him and he knows this. This is a tether to his mom and to you that will always BE there for him and that is very significant.
You have your own grief that you are working through and have your deep concerns over your grandson. This is a lot for one woman\'s shoulders so keep coming here as you are to share because in that is a lifting of some of the heaviness, I hope.
Prayerful that Hunter will keep talking about how he is feeling because I know you are listening. Sometimes I feel that teens say things just for the shock effect too and to see how far they can push, yet listening for those subtle and not so subtle \"bombs\" are a work in progress to be able to receive. Deepest of sighs...
With you, caring and never for a moment do you apologize for sharing your heart with us.
Much, much love and tender care coming from me to you during these tender times,
XO Joanie
I agree, it\'s not a pity party, it\'s just an aching heart bleeding out it\'s truth to loving ears who truly care! I\'m so very sorry for all that Hunter is dealing with...and you are dealing with as a result. Life sure sucks the life out of us at times!
My thoughts and prayers for Hunter as he figures out his life and makes better choices.
(((hugs)))
Sharing your heart with people who care about you is not having a pity party. That\'s why we are here. To support each other. Praying for you and Hunter. Please give yourself some grace. Sending love and tight hugs.
He is at an age that is difficult for most kids...add to that the loss of his Mom, the genetic issues...my goodness, the kid has a lot on his plate. As far as him questioning his sexuality...well, in my opinion, whatever will be will be. If he is gay I hope his family can accept and support him because he will certainly have a harder life and will need as much help as possible. I also think a lot of kids and people in general question the presence of God. I believe God exists, and that HE is infinite and unknowable...even in the Bible HE would not state HIS name, the burning bush stated I am the great I am...what I am trying to say is that God is real whether your grandson believes it or not, so all will be well. I believe in a loving and forgiving and compassionate God, not an angry fire and brimstone type waiting for his beloved children to screw up so he can send them to everlasting purgatory. It would probably make this time much easier if he could believe in and accept God\'s love, but that\'s something has to figure out on his own, and I believe he will...on his own. My own mother tried pushing her religion on Cassi in the years before her death and it only pushed Cassi away from her. I feel like maybe I should have set more boundaries for her, but there is no way to know for sure. I thought I just needed to love and accept her and try to keep her close to me...but I ended up trying to cling and she ended up pushing me away, sigh. We were doing better when I lost her, she seemed to be outgrowing the rebelliousness a bit. But I found out, too late, she had a completely different side to her that I didn\'t know about, that she hid from me. I\'m so sorry you are going through all of this. It\'s so familiar to me, but my situation definitely did not turn out well, so really, who am I to offer advice??? I just have to do the best I can with what I have now. Please know I am hurting for you.