SAD
I haven't written that much about Hunter lately because there have been changes and I just didn't know where to begin, however I'm writing now because I need your prayers, good thoughts, positive vibes because I have none TODAY!
I saw Hunter last night - the visit was a weird one to say the least...He reminded me so much of his mom in a bad way and the visit did not end on a good note - a disagreement if you will - anyway, the extended family he has been living with has kept me updated weekly - good grades, keeping up with work, etc....he seems ok everytime I see him, however last night he was acting strange - asking me about God vs Satan - the 10 rules of Satanism....he was raised Evangelical Christian so he is definitely questioning.....that's what our disagreement was about.
Anyway, he texted a friend last night and said he wanted to kill himself but couldn't find a gun and he was thinking about drinking bleach and he wanted to be with his mom..a sheriff showed up @ his house because his friend's parents notified them..he was 5150 to Psych hospital where he is getting evaluated, labs.....etc.....the family he is with is operating @ this time with a Caregiver Affadavit signed and notarized by his dad.....so because Hunter lives there the hospital is communicating with them - this just happened last night so the information is limited so far.
I went through this several times with Jennifer - it is gut wrenching, time consuming, and exhausting but she was my daughter and I did it because that's what you do.....Why isn't she here??????
At this point, I have no legal rights - the legal guardianship has been stopped because of one thing or another so we are in limbo as to what is going to be done.....Please no judgement here when I say, I just don't know if I can go down this road with Hunter....I want to be there but to be the primary focal point when I am so grieving everyday for my daughter, I just don't know.....
I'm @ work today (was called @ work by Sue) - barely functioning....going home to go to bed...I can't function and I'm not sure I even want to.....I just feel sick.. I shouldn't have left, not upset ....too late now....Hunter wants to die and join his mom - can't much blame him
I saw Hunter last night - the visit was a weird one to say the least...He reminded me so much of his mom in a bad way and the visit did not end on a good note - a disagreement if you will - anyway, the extended family he has been living with has kept me updated weekly - good grades, keeping up with work, etc....he seems ok everytime I see him, however last night he was acting strange - asking me about God vs Satan - the 10 rules of Satanism....he was raised Evangelical Christian so he is definitely questioning.....that's what our disagreement was about.
Anyway, he texted a friend last night and said he wanted to kill himself but couldn't find a gun and he was thinking about drinking bleach and he wanted to be with his mom..a sheriff showed up @ his house because his friend's parents notified them..he was 5150 to Psych hospital where he is getting evaluated, labs.....etc.....the family he is with is operating @ this time with a Caregiver Affadavit signed and notarized by his dad.....so because Hunter lives there the hospital is communicating with them - this just happened last night so the information is limited so far.
I went through this several times with Jennifer - it is gut wrenching, time consuming, and exhausting but she was my daughter and I did it because that's what you do.....Why isn't she here??????
At this point, I have no legal rights - the legal guardianship has been stopped because of one thing or another so we are in limbo as to what is going to be done.....Please no judgement here when I say, I just don't know if I can go down this road with Hunter....I want to be there but to be the primary focal point when I am so grieving everyday for my daughter, I just don't know.....
I'm @ work today (was called @ work by Sue) - barely functioning....going home to go to bed...I can't function and I'm not sure I even want to.....I just feel sick.. I shouldn't have left, not upset ....too late now....Hunter wants to die and join his mom - can't much blame him
Replies
Oh my dear. My heart hurts for you and Hunter. No judgement here. I honestly don\'t know what I would do if I were in your position. Please don\'t be hard on yourself.
I am glad he is getting some help now. It is just so darn scary.
Love and tight hugs.
Marlene
How could you possibly WANT to go through this??? Nobody would! Maybe Hunter\'s just upset enough to make him confused about what he does want. At his age, a lot of kids stay confused a lot of the time. I know they did when I was in school, anyway. Hunter lost his mother @ a very young age & I thought it was bad enough when I lost my mom @ 27. What he feels, I cannot begin to imagine...
I\'m sorry you two had an argument but I\'m betting that Hunter heard something about Satanism at school. Does 5150 mean that he intended bodily harm?
Try to hang in there. \"This too, shall pass\", as my mother used to say. Do whatever you need to do, to take care of YOU.
Thinking of you dear SOTH & sending positive vibes your way,
Hugs,
Donna
My Heart just breaks for you and Hunter.
I don\'t pray much any more but I, too, will send positive vibes and will definitely be thinking about you and Hunter. Hoping that Hunger can get some help.
Big hugs to you,
Nell
Sending you prayers for yourself and Hunter. Dear God we need your help for this young man and his grandma!!! Give them some peace. Hugs, Kathy
Oh honey. I can\'t imagine being faced with the eerily similar situation. My god, I would want to simply disappear. Perhaps it is best that you are not the primary right now.
The emotional turmoil that you are experiencing with the death of your daughter is more than enough for any woman. To be faced with where Hunter is at this moment, I know in your heart you would if you could.
I\'m happy that Hunter came to you. Regardless of how the meeting ended, I\'m betting that that was exactly what Hunter was hoping for. Not the argument (although that was probably his \"out\") but hearing your views/beliefs. I bet he heard more than you imagine.
For now, with Hunter in the hospital, take care of you. There is nothing you, or the extended family can do, for now.
Hang on. I like the fact that he spoke to you about Satanism. He is speaking of stuff good and more importantly, the dark bad stuff. For me, that\'s a good sign. If he weren\'t talking about it, that would concern me.
Please keep us posted. We too are here for the good and bad.
Tightest of hugs, Merrilee
I am grateful that Hunter is safe and SO very sorry for this, Vicki. I have no doubt it is PTSD moment as it brings to the surface going through it with Jennifer and there is only so much that one woman\'s shoulders can hold.
Whatever you need to do for yourself do it and I\'m sure that Sue will let you know what\'s happening. Thank goodness Hunter\'s friend told his parents and they notified the police. Too often people do not want to get involved or think it will \"pass\" and there is no tomorrow.
Sending all my prayers and loving care to enfold your broken and so very sad heart dearest Vicki. YOU are not alone and I\'m grateful you wrote a journal as painful and hard as it must have been. Your sisters of the heart are creating a circle of care ALL around you and your dear Hunter.
Much love,
XO Joanie
I\'m so very sorry to hear about this painful situation that you are in now. Poor Hunter is confused and hurting! So glad that he is getting help now. I think these happenings just doubled your hurt and pain!! I also feel that it\'s a good thing that you are not the main responsible person for Hunter right now. You have already been through so much!! I will definitely keep praying for you and Hunter. Just take good care of yourself, Vicki!
Gentle hugs. xxx
Oh, Vicki, I know how hard it is to deal with what seems more and more when you are not even stable on your own walking legs yet. Throw it on the Father. I am sure that he feels as lost without his mom as you do without your daughter. I will be praying for you to have some, no, lots of peace over this new dilemma hanging over your neck. I wish that you were coming to retreat, so I could just listen and love on you...know this, I am praying for you and Hunter with all I have in me. I hope God sends someone to him where he is with just the right words of comfort and conviction... Lauri
Its heartbreaking how many of our children and us too... I promise no judgment, I\'ve struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was in my teens... not wanting to die but wanting to stop the pain... I went through the struggle with Cara as you did with Jennifer... and I thought that was the worst that could ever happen... but I truly believe in so far as Cara was concerned... her death was the worst that could happen.. I am careful how I phrase things... since I told my boss during the time I was trying so desperately to save Cara that was the worst I know it was not and that even her death would not be the worst... I have a son, grandchildren, husband all that the mere thought of them dying devastates me... I know similar thoughts and so much more are taking a toll on you. I don\'t know what to say except that as you go forward you don\'t have to go alone. You can write me and I would bet any of the other moms and just ask for a phone call, a friend to hear and to care. I hope the staff at the hospital can help Hunter work through his pain. My heart is sad for him too. I understand his pain. I wish I could encourage him to believe that life with all the pain is worth living. I hope he finds courage to cling to God and to faith. I know there are many naysayers trying to steal God from us today. I am choosing not to argue with the naysayers and I hope Hunter will too. Hugs and Prayers for you and Hunter
I am so sorry to hear this about Hunter. I can\'t imagine you trying to handle this, it\'s to much. I think you are right where you should be, in bed taking care of you. Hunter definitely needs help, and it seems this was a real cry for it.
Vicki, you and Hunter will be in my prayers. Please take care of you for now.
Sending peace and hugs, Cindy
You can be assured that you and Hunter are in my prayers, Vicki!!! I can\'t even begin to imagine what you must be going through! I promise, no judgement ever. This is all just too hard for you and there will be many prayers coming your way! Sending love, Leda
Sisters, from the bottom of my heart...THANK YOU! Your caring and heartfelt words give me peace and comfort...Hunter is still being evaluated...Sue keeps me updated so for today i am going through a few boxes of my mom\'s and Jennifer\'s stuff....i need to feel close to them today...smelling the perfume on my mom\'s clothes i kept makes me feel close to her today..and i so need that...THANK YOU...SENDING BACK SO MUCH LOVE....Vicki
Vicki, this is very challenging situation. Nothing but support, love and prayers being sent yours and Hunter\'s way. Tight hugs, Linda
Prayers going up for you and sweet Hunter this night and positive vibes for healing.
I am so sorry. No judgement whatsoever here. I can totally relate.
Take care my friend.
Love and tight hugs,
Diane
My daughter went through a problem time not that she had lost anyone just problems. She was baker acted 3 times I understand the trying times of a child wanting to end life. The situation is not near the same as Hunters, but just the heart ach. Under care and guidance I pray he will find coping skills.
Tight hugs
Penny