This week
I have had a tough week as well as my other sisters of the heart. My heart hurts every time I read a journal of a sister whose heart is hurting....just makes me so sad. I'm so so sorry, sisters of the heart.
Tuesday I along with 2 other friends went to a memorial honoring Jennifer because her corneas were donated. This memorial was put on by One Legacy Organ Donation. It was a ceremony to honor Jennifer because she gave life in the donating of her corneas. I had sent them a picture along with a few words for their program. I was anxious prior to the ceremony as I didn't ask any questions so I did not know what to expect. Anyway....I will try not to make this too lengthy but I also want you to know about it. There were approximately 10 other families.
This memorial was held at Hoag Hospital, about 50 miles from home. This was the same hospital that my darling daughter was for 5 days before leaving this earth. I had not been in that hospital since leaving that awful nite without my daughter so the tears immediately flowed with so many memories. My 2 friends were there with me when Jennifer took her last breath so it was wonderful to have them with me on this nite, also. They stand back, follow, remain quiet until I let them know what I need if anything. Their presence is and was priceless...In not having any sisters, these 2 women are like sisters to me. I'm thankful. Ok so immediately to the left is the chapel where this ceremony was taking place. One Legacy had a table with name tags "Family of Jennifer Cox"...sigh....breathe....cry...... Part of this ceremony was dedicating the BOOK OF LIFE...This is a leather bound book with names of organ donors printed in it. This book is kept in the Chapel on a podium so it was very emotional just knowing Jennifer's name is there. But as I have learned, her name, her name is so important....I can never see it enough even though it hurts like hell.
The ceremony consisted of several doctors talking about 5 min. of families, donors, etc and how in awe they are of families that consent to donate...Whether one believes in it or not, what they had to say was powerful and certainly helped me to feel good about what I consented to even though Jennifer had consented to donate years prior. They also had a chaplain who said a prayer of dedication, dedicating the BOOK OF LIFE. Then we were asked to line up against the wall and as my precious daughter's name was called, her picture along with the words I wrote for her were shown on a screen. I walked across the front, receiving a certificate BOOK OF LIFE, a silver plated open book with Jennifer's name and 2013 and a rose in a vial. I was crying and THEN we were handed an empty vial for 1 rose with a label tag wrapped around it and a sharpie....We were asked to write .......on that label because those empty vials will be filled with a white rose to be placed on the float "The Never Ending Story" at the Rose Parade in Pasadena on January 1....my daughter, Jennifer Ann Cox will be floating down that 5 mile stretch with everyone looking.....I completed 2 vials, one for me and one for Hunter....If you want to, you could go on the website One Legacy and look at the float--- 60 butterflies, roses, etc.....
So, that was my Tuesday....I have cried everyday since....The ceremony was very respectful, loving and so heart warming but it still makes me so MAD!!!! I KNOW YOU GET IT. How could this be?
I am having a tough, tough time....Less than a week ---one year.....my heart is broken, in fragments...God, how can I possibly be hurting so damn much.....I feel so raw, so open, so tender that I'm not sure how to handle it....YOU all are my life line on this journey. I'm thankful for you.
When I can, I will upload some photos ....much love to you all. Vicki
Tuesday I along with 2 other friends went to a memorial honoring Jennifer because her corneas were donated. This memorial was put on by One Legacy Organ Donation. It was a ceremony to honor Jennifer because she gave life in the donating of her corneas. I had sent them a picture along with a few words for their program. I was anxious prior to the ceremony as I didn't ask any questions so I did not know what to expect. Anyway....I will try not to make this too lengthy but I also want you to know about it. There were approximately 10 other families.
This memorial was held at Hoag Hospital, about 50 miles from home. This was the same hospital that my darling daughter was for 5 days before leaving this earth. I had not been in that hospital since leaving that awful nite without my daughter so the tears immediately flowed with so many memories. My 2 friends were there with me when Jennifer took her last breath so it was wonderful to have them with me on this nite, also. They stand back, follow, remain quiet until I let them know what I need if anything. Their presence is and was priceless...In not having any sisters, these 2 women are like sisters to me. I'm thankful. Ok so immediately to the left is the chapel where this ceremony was taking place. One Legacy had a table with name tags "Family of Jennifer Cox"...sigh....breathe....cry...... Part of this ceremony was dedicating the BOOK OF LIFE...This is a leather bound book with names of organ donors printed in it. This book is kept in the Chapel on a podium so it was very emotional just knowing Jennifer's name is there. But as I have learned, her name, her name is so important....I can never see it enough even though it hurts like hell.
The ceremony consisted of several doctors talking about 5 min. of families, donors, etc and how in awe they are of families that consent to donate...Whether one believes in it or not, what they had to say was powerful and certainly helped me to feel good about what I consented to even though Jennifer had consented to donate years prior. They also had a chaplain who said a prayer of dedication, dedicating the BOOK OF LIFE. Then we were asked to line up against the wall and as my precious daughter's name was called, her picture along with the words I wrote for her were shown on a screen. I walked across the front, receiving a certificate BOOK OF LIFE, a silver plated open book with Jennifer's name and 2013 and a rose in a vial. I was crying and THEN we were handed an empty vial for 1 rose with a label tag wrapped around it and a sharpie....We were asked to write .......on that label because those empty vials will be filled with a white rose to be placed on the float "The Never Ending Story" at the Rose Parade in Pasadena on January 1....my daughter, Jennifer Ann Cox will be floating down that 5 mile stretch with everyone looking.....I completed 2 vials, one for me and one for Hunter....If you want to, you could go on the website One Legacy and look at the float--- 60 butterflies, roses, etc.....
So, that was my Tuesday....I have cried everyday since....The ceremony was very respectful, loving and so heart warming but it still makes me so MAD!!!! I KNOW YOU GET IT. How could this be?
I am having a tough, tough time....Less than a week ---one year.....my heart is broken, in fragments...God, how can I possibly be hurting so damn much.....I feel so raw, so open, so tender that I'm not sure how to handle it....YOU all are my life line on this journey. I'm thankful for you.
When I can, I will upload some photos ....much love to you all. Vicki
Replies
I understand, Vicki. Our hearts ARE shattered in a million pieces & will never be the same. We\'ll never be the same, either...
Love to you, my Sister of the Heart. Hang in there.
Donna
It sounds like a beautiful ceremony. I t must be nice in some way to know that Jennifer was not forgotten. I do understand the mix of emotions though...just when You think you are maybe pushing through...a new flood comes. This is a rough time for us...I am here for you..lifting you up. Love Lauri
Hugging you with a full heart Love Kathy
Tight hugs Vicki. Who would have thought we could endure such pain. The emotional toll is unimaginable to anyone who hasn\'t been in our shoes.
I am so glad you have loving, caring friends. I know I wouldn\'t have survived without them. And the moms at FMO are definitely my sisters of the heart. They understand like no one else can.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you honor Jennifer on her 1st Angel Day.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
All of these things that you have been involved with take tremendous courage dearest Vicki and to be able to be present to it as you are is going to take a lot out of you and also fill you... I really appreciated hearing about it and what a beautiful gift of life Jennifer has given and continues to.
Everything you are feeling is part of this path and oh, how I wish we could fast forward through it all to get to the place of learning how to live with it. It takes time and I know how that felt like finger nails on a chalk board for me when the moms a few steps further along would say this to me, yet I just kept walking and trusting and what they said was true...
Hold on tightly dear friend and please give yourself some jammie days if you can next week or whatever feels nurturing and caring for you. You cannot be in such a giving profession as you are and not feel totally depleted. It\'s time to receive as much as you can and I\'m sending all the love that I have and healing to cradle your broken heart.
Your Jennifer... Such a vivacious and darling daughter in every way. Deeply loved always and sorely missed.
TGIF and then a tender week for you, I understand, yet one too that I hope you will allow yourself some bubble baths, favorite cups of tea/coffee, perhaps a deep tissue massage (if you like those), whatever it might look like that is a nurturing gift for you. YOU need to begin really filling yourself up all that you can. Be a sponge and absorb...
Loving care,
XO Joanie
Oh dear Vicki, what a beautiful heartwarming tribute honoring your sweet daughter Jennifer!
Of course your heart is broken and hurting because of the endless love you have for Jennifer and how much you miss her.
It is still so new and early on for you on this path. Just keep remembering to breathe through it one moment at a time. And take gentle and good care of yourself just like Joanie said above.
With love and a tight understanding hug,
Diane
The ceremony sounded really lovely - heartfelt and caring with much gratitude. How bittersweet it must have been for you .Very hard to do that - have Jennifer recognized for giving such a life altering gift to someone when you are the one who has lost so much. Yes, how could this be? You take care ~ Joanna x
DEAR VICKIE: I KNOW HOW SAD YOU ARE . WHAT A BEAUTIFUL TRIBUTE TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DONATED AND ORGAN TO SAY A LIFE AND YOUR DAUGHTER .S BEAUTIFUL EYES GAVE SITE TO ANOTHER PERSON. . BUT THE HEART ACHE, I,AM SO SO SORRY. BLESS YOUR SWEET ANGEL HUGS AND LOVE MARY ANN.
We went to our organ donor ceremony... it was lovely... so glad you went.. love ya!
It sounded like a great tribute to Jennifer. I know it is hard your heart is still hurting so much. As you heal the hard times will be easier to handle.
Tight Hugs Penny
Vicki, you said so many things that just are so true! Her name, her name is so important because she lived, she laughed, she loved! Jennifer will never be forgotten by your sisters here! and as you said sigh, breathe, cry that is how I live my life now. What an amazing honor and an amazing thing your daughter did for others! For her to be honored at the parade must feel really good but hurt so much at the same time. I understand. Love and wishes for peace, Linda