Ups and Downs
Good Morning SOTH - it's Saturday morning and when I wish I could sleep in, I find myself writing to you because it's HERE that I find comfort and understanding to my emotions. This past week has been one of the most emotional weeks I have had in awhile. So I will try and be concise and not ramble.
I consented for Jennifer's cornea's to be transplanted if at all possible so One Legacy will not give any information to the family until one year. About a month ago, I wanted "good news" in hopes that they would be able to use them and in doing that, my daughter would live on and somehow her death would "make sense to me". So because the year is fast approaching, One Legacy started the investigation process..the phone call came Tuesday afternoon, leaving a voice mail as I was at work...The anxiety that I felt was unbelievable to me...we played phone tag for a day and finally I learned that Jennifer's cornea's were not able to be used because they "weren't perfect" but the tissue is placed in a Vision Tissue Graft Bank for 2 years. The "not perfect" cornea's can then be used for maybe tissue grafts in eye injuries...I will never know if this has happened so I am choosing to look on the positive and have faith that somehow my daughter's perfect cornea's to me will be used for someone else. HOWEVER, it made me sad. I still struggle with issues as a mom and things we went through, said, etc that for a moment, I kept thinking "here's one more failure as a mom".....should I have consented, should I not? One Legacy is so worried about your emotions, your Psychological state when they give you this news but it wasn't 20 minutes after Jennifer had died that they were calling....were they worried about me then? Forgive me, I know it's their job and I was so in shock that I had no emotions....at that time...anyway that was Tuesday.
Wednesday nite I received a phone call from my ex-sister in law who is raising Hunter (my grandson), my daughter's wish. I struggle with that at times and I am always chasing them to talk to him and find out how he's doing so it becomes so frustrating and I feel at times I have lost him also....anyway - she called me to let me know that a fire had been started 2 streets over in a backyard in a shed by 2 boys and there were 2 witnesses that one of them was Hunter. She went on to say that it would be a felony and he would be in juvenile hall and blah blah blah...because by that point I was numb...The fire dept and police dept talked with Hunter and he kept saying I didn't do it...I rode my bike by but I did not do it.....well after 1 hour of 'BADGERING" him, he stuck to his guns and said I didn't do it. They told him they would get back to him in a week after fingerprints were taken off the lighter.....Karen, my ex sister in law is a wonderful lady and her husband is just as nice, however I never hear any good news phone call--only when there's issues....so we hung up and I prayed, talked with a girlfriend and just kept thinking of my daughter. About an hour later, Karen called to say, Hunter didn't do it, the 2 boys that did set that fire were caught and they had admitted it so apologies all around by the fire dept to Hunter....I should be happy, right? I found myself the next day, exhausted, mad, no tolerance filter and I have remained that way all week.
Taking care of the students this week as they filed into the health office from everything to a paper cut to broken arm to being 'TRAUMATIZED" by Knotts Scary Farm (amusement park in Orange Co.), it was a needy week and I felt I didn't have anything to give. URGH
I struggle everyday with my 'TOLERANCE FILTER" as I call it or lack of. My therapist says, it will come back but when you have experienced what I have experienced with the loss of my mom and daughter so close together. I just can't handle petty stuff....I have got to get a grip tho because I just can't be this 60 year old lady who speaks her mind, rolls her eyes and acts like she just doesn't give a DAMN...when in reality a lot of the times I don't.
There's a secretary at work and her son has left on a mission trip for 2 years. She has cried every day because she won't be receiving a email for 2 weeks....BUT SHE WILL GET A EMAIL....Why is she crying? She will talk to him again, She will see his face on Skype.....I know to her it's real and she will miss him----I get it...but to have her whine constantly when I want to scream and say, I'm waiting on a email from heaven....I told you sisters that my emotions are raw, even this morning....sorry....I need to calm down.....get a grip.....but how can I? Missing Jennifer and I just want her here.....
I've got 2 days to rest, do what I need to do to "get my filter" back....LOL Wish I was saying "mojo" back...LOL
I consented for Jennifer's cornea's to be transplanted if at all possible so One Legacy will not give any information to the family until one year. About a month ago, I wanted "good news" in hopes that they would be able to use them and in doing that, my daughter would live on and somehow her death would "make sense to me". So because the year is fast approaching, One Legacy started the investigation process..the phone call came Tuesday afternoon, leaving a voice mail as I was at work...The anxiety that I felt was unbelievable to me...we played phone tag for a day and finally I learned that Jennifer's cornea's were not able to be used because they "weren't perfect" but the tissue is placed in a Vision Tissue Graft Bank for 2 years. The "not perfect" cornea's can then be used for maybe tissue grafts in eye injuries...I will never know if this has happened so I am choosing to look on the positive and have faith that somehow my daughter's perfect cornea's to me will be used for someone else. HOWEVER, it made me sad. I still struggle with issues as a mom and things we went through, said, etc that for a moment, I kept thinking "here's one more failure as a mom".....should I have consented, should I not? One Legacy is so worried about your emotions, your Psychological state when they give you this news but it wasn't 20 minutes after Jennifer had died that they were calling....were they worried about me then? Forgive me, I know it's their job and I was so in shock that I had no emotions....at that time...anyway that was Tuesday.
Wednesday nite I received a phone call from my ex-sister in law who is raising Hunter (my grandson), my daughter's wish. I struggle with that at times and I am always chasing them to talk to him and find out how he's doing so it becomes so frustrating and I feel at times I have lost him also....anyway - she called me to let me know that a fire had been started 2 streets over in a backyard in a shed by 2 boys and there were 2 witnesses that one of them was Hunter. She went on to say that it would be a felony and he would be in juvenile hall and blah blah blah...because by that point I was numb...The fire dept and police dept talked with Hunter and he kept saying I didn't do it...I rode my bike by but I did not do it.....well after 1 hour of 'BADGERING" him, he stuck to his guns and said I didn't do it. They told him they would get back to him in a week after fingerprints were taken off the lighter.....Karen, my ex sister in law is a wonderful lady and her husband is just as nice, however I never hear any good news phone call--only when there's issues....so we hung up and I prayed, talked with a girlfriend and just kept thinking of my daughter. About an hour later, Karen called to say, Hunter didn't do it, the 2 boys that did set that fire were caught and they had admitted it so apologies all around by the fire dept to Hunter....I should be happy, right? I found myself the next day, exhausted, mad, no tolerance filter and I have remained that way all week.
Taking care of the students this week as they filed into the health office from everything to a paper cut to broken arm to being 'TRAUMATIZED" by Knotts Scary Farm (amusement park in Orange Co.), it was a needy week and I felt I didn't have anything to give. URGH
I struggle everyday with my 'TOLERANCE FILTER" as I call it or lack of. My therapist says, it will come back but when you have experienced what I have experienced with the loss of my mom and daughter so close together. I just can't handle petty stuff....I have got to get a grip tho because I just can't be this 60 year old lady who speaks her mind, rolls her eyes and acts like she just doesn't give a DAMN...when in reality a lot of the times I don't.
There's a secretary at work and her son has left on a mission trip for 2 years. She has cried every day because she won't be receiving a email for 2 weeks....BUT SHE WILL GET A EMAIL....Why is she crying? She will talk to him again, She will see his face on Skype.....I know to her it's real and she will miss him----I get it...but to have her whine constantly when I want to scream and say, I'm waiting on a email from heaven....I told you sisters that my emotions are raw, even this morning....sorry....I need to calm down.....get a grip.....but how can I? Missing Jennifer and I just want her here.....
I've got 2 days to rest, do what I need to do to "get my filter" back....LOL Wish I was saying "mojo" back...LOL
Replies
Wishing you a peaceful, weekend to recuperate. I must admit, my tolerance filter is very thin too. I still cannot handle small setbacks. I had a melt down when my phone went missing! I got it back within 2 hours, thanks to a very honest fellow who found it in the parking lot.
I am so sorry your grandson had to go through all that. And I understand how you feel. It is so hard when others become the caregivers of our precious grandchildren,when we would give anything to have them with us.
I think we moms learn to be good actors. I can put on a happy face when I feel like strangling someone! After almost 5 years, I am getting better. I actually do laugh and smile and mean it. But I will never be the same carefree Marlene I used to be. And if people are too nice and ask about Lisa, I am in a puddle of tears.
Come here any time you need to vent. Just know that you are normal and not alone.
Love and huge hugs,
Marlene
I am afraid I would not have patience for the woman who won\'t hear from her son for 2 weeks!
Oh Vicki, I think it is so nice that you call it an intolerance filter...I will now use that term. It is mucher cleaner than my \"Shit Shield\".
I know exactly how you feel...I have always been people\'s \"go to\" for whining and advice...I still am, and they are always apologetic , realizing that child loss trumps their issues. I am learning that grief is relative ...what they are feeling is just as painful at the time, because it is all they know. I think, if we are lucky, we go through smaller stages of grieving before the ultimate one of child loss hits us. My Mom passed in 2008...I thought that would kill me...but it pales in comparison to losing my son.
I will now actually say to people...your child is still here..let\'s not be sad about their traveling ...let\'s be glad that they can come back with more life under their belt.
Don\'t be afraid to remind people of what they have Vicki...don\'t stuff it..we went through this for a reason...maybe one of those reasons is to remind people to be grateful and kinder... Praying for you, Lauri
Nobody understands our pain except another mom who has also suffered that greatest loss ever. What you are feeling, we feel. We understand your pain & anger. I remember feeling anger & pain I would try to stuff it down, ignore it. Here I learned that we cannot heal what we cannot feel. As painful as it is, Vicki I think you are healing bit by bit. Venting, crying & journaling are just a few ways to deal with those feelings. We are here with you every step of the way.
Hugs dear friend......Vicki
Oh, what a week it was indeed... Those are SO very hard when the energy reserves are low because SO much of what we do have is spent on healing from the inside out. By the time it even is evident on the \"outside\" I often think about all that it took just to have it come out into the light.
Each of these moments that you describe are so very challenging to face and then to have them lumped all together makes that very thin filter feel non existent.
Of course it is difficult to listen to the woes of others, yet as you said that is all they know and is their world. How we allow it to affect us becomes our work and there are some days that even a breeze hurts so these kinds of conversations really can feel like a wipe out.
Where you are is where you need to be on this path and yes, inch by inch healing is happening even after weeks such as this. Keep sharing, journaling and take that trip to the ocean tomorrow as you said you might do. Fill yourself and continue to feel as you are as that is where your healing is. Deep inhales, exhales and many pauses in the midst. In the pause may you feel your precious Jennifer as those are the times where I find Doug and he finds me. In the stillness and in the quiet.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
I know exactly what you are talking about when you use the term \"tolerance filter\". That is a great term. by the way! I remember not being able to deal with the most inconsequential things. I think the thing that was hardest for me was when someone would go on and on about how hard it was to have their child home after they graduated from college. I would just think the whole time we were talking about how Greg could stay with me at home forever if I could just have him back. But, I understand how people\'s lives and what they are experiencing is important to them. I think that the little, petty things just won\'t be important to us any more. I also like myself better now! For the exact reason you state in your post....I think it is great to be an almost 60 year old woman, speak my mind, roll my eyes and not give a damn some of the time!!! It feels freeing to me! I will say that, after almost 6 years, the rawness and emotional feeling that I had earlier in the grief journey are gone and I am much better able to cope with life and its everyday inconveniences and pettiness. I think that the many things you have had to deal with this week are pretty difficult so, please don\'t be too hard on yourself. Like Joanie says, take deep breaths and take care of yourself while you are in this vulnerable state. Sending you a great, big hug, Love, Anne
DAMN!! I just love it when I have gone on and on about my week and my sisters of the heart (the best kind of sisters to have) SO UNDERSTAND ME. How blessed I am to have you in my corner....Hugs, Hugs, and more hugs to you today!! Vicki
Dearest Vicki,
You\'ve had a really rough week! I used to think this was all like a roller coaster until I realized that our situations really aren\'t like roller coasters. RC implies that there are peaks & valleys. There really aren\'t peaks in our lives right now. There aren\'t any \'mountain tops\' to go down from. It\'s more like a graph, maybe, a basically flat plane that periodically dips downward. Things seem to be like that for me, anyway. Maybe it\'s because we\'re still fairly new to this, IDK. Moms who\'ve been on this journey longer can weigh in on that - they may have a different perspective now than when they first began.
I find that my raw emotions are barely, & I mean BARELY, below the surface; possibly that is the same for you. The tiniest scratch & the even keel falls apart - I plunge back down into what to me is an emotional abyss. We at least need the even keel because that\'s what allows us to have jobs, do chores at home, function in the everyday world, etc.
You\'ve had things happen this week that would upset & drain any one of us! From the reports about Jennifer\'s corneas to the worry over Hunter to issues w/ the kids at work to having to put up w/ your (thoughtless!) co-worker whose son is just \'away\' for a while- it all combined into a \'witches brew\' that was toxic & exhausting. And none of us newbies have ANY reserve of calm left. Our personal store of strength has been MAXED OUT! With the transitions of Jennifer AND your Mom so close together, it\'s amazing to me that you\'re able to cope with life to the extent that you are! Maybe your faith is what\'s getting you thru!
You rest this weekend & do whatever it takes to relieve your mind some from these tensions. A stress-free couple of days will hopefully do you a lot of good! You\'ll be in my prayers as I hope for a smoother week for you. Take it easy & do nothing but R & R to prep yourself for the week ahead. I mean it!!! Just lounge around the house, go running or get some retail therapy- whatever works best.
I\'m thinking of you & hope this week will be just the opposite of the last one!
Hugs,
Donna
Sending you some peace vibes and hope you can rest this weekend. I so understand. Hugs. Kathy
Hi Vicki..wish you were closer, we\'d go out and have a drink, or two, or three...I\'d give you tight understanding hugs...
Sorry you had such a bad week, hopefully your weekend is rejuvenating and if you spent the day in bed..ok with that..trust me I\'ve done it
I\'m sorry that Jennifer\'s cornea transplant didn\'t go forward as hoped. Jackson was an organ doner also and we recently learned that his heart transplantee passed away. It was very sad news. Our children\'s death bring enough sadness, so it was some comfort that parts of them would physically live on and help someone else. Wishing you peace -- Laura
THIS IS A LONG HARD JOURNEY. THIS THING CALLED GRIEF. I LOST MY MOM WHO I LOVED SO MUCH AT 23 I FOUND HER DEAD SHE WAS ONLY 43, THEN I LOST MY ONLY CHILD 2003. SO I KNOW WHAT YOUR FEELING. ENJOY YOUR WEEK END THE BEST YOU CAN. HUGS
Hope the week end brought you much needed rest and you can start off your week in a happier state of mind. It is just so damn hard....but we have no choice, but to put one foot in front of the other and breathe...
((((HUGS))))....Julia
I do hope you rested for the weekend and your week at work was much better then last week, Keeping out chin up is a very hard job but I am trying my best also
Hugs Penny