Why?
Good Morning SOTH - Why is it that I can be going to the store feeling pretty good after a restful night sleep (unusual) and BAM - a memory will flood my heart, flood my mind and I am either SAD, REGRETFUL, FEELING GUILTY OR WANTING TO RUN AND HIDE. Why???
Of course I want memories and sometimes hold onto them because that's all I have but, GEEZ, it takes me sometimes all day to get myself in a better place mentally. I go there sometimes and spend the day, crying, remembering, wishin and hopin BUT sometimes I just want a GOOD DAY! I sometimes think "how awful for me to even say that" - we are talking about my daughter....I should want to remember everything, right? URGH.....GRIEF......IF I COULD ONLY........
Going to get busy because I just can't go there today. My Fibromyalgia which I haven't felt in a really long time has now appeared again....I'm achy, hurting and feel myself feeling lost....JUST BREATHE I tell myself to reduce my anxiety, JUST BREATHE to relax....JUST F**&% BREATHE....because sometimes I just want to not breathe.....SIGH
Of course I want memories and sometimes hold onto them because that's all I have but, GEEZ, it takes me sometimes all day to get myself in a better place mentally. I go there sometimes and spend the day, crying, remembering, wishin and hopin BUT sometimes I just want a GOOD DAY! I sometimes think "how awful for me to even say that" - we are talking about my daughter....I should want to remember everything, right? URGH.....GRIEF......IF I COULD ONLY........
Going to get busy because I just can't go there today. My Fibromyalgia which I haven't felt in a really long time has now appeared again....I'm achy, hurting and feel myself feeling lost....JUST BREATHE I tell myself to reduce my anxiety, JUST BREATHE to relax....JUST F**&% BREATHE....because sometimes I just want to not breathe.....SIGH
Replies
Unfortunately that\'s grief, it takes a long time to have the memories and smile! Your doing fine for being on this journey. I remember being in the same place, going to the store and crying all the way through as I grabbed for the items Matthew loved and then being hit with the fact that he was no longer home to consume them. Left the grocery store with nothing numerous times. One step, one moment at a time, you\'ll get there eventually! Hugs and love to you!
Oh Wow...totally understand...often have meltdowns in public because something triggers me or nothing triggers me...in the doctor\'s office, because I saw an old magazine that was all about Christmas and I panicked...What are we going to do for Christmas?? HOW can we do Christmas??? Holidays are just not the same...she made everything fun, she was the vitality in our tiny family...Like Lynette said above...I was in Publix one day and saw Pop-Tarts on sale and thought \"Jackpot\"!!! Then quickly realized...oh yeah...Cassi won\'t be there to eat them...so sad...
You are on the West Coast...are you near the beach??? I live in a small town just north of Panama City and the beautiful Gulf of Mexico. I was never a \"beach\" person before but just seeing the water relaxes me...it also makes me feel very small in a good way...it reminds me that it\'s not all about me...
Vicki,
I understand, too. I HATE this grief journey so much. I hate the constant sorrow that never lifts. And everywhere we moms go, there are never-ending reminders that only make things worse.
You\'re in my thoughts & prayers. And I hope your fibromyalgia gets better VERY soon - remember to take good care of yourself!
Love & warm hugs, dear SOTH,
I think it is that way for most of us. I know it is for me. I just have to tell myself, NO, I will not go there today!! Sometimes, it just comes out of nowhere and feels like a slap in the face, knocking the breath out of me. I guess it is just part of the grief journey, but it \"sucks\"....
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Thank you dear sisters for validating what I go through on a daily basis....sometimes I feel like I\'m crazy....(crazier than I normally am) lol
(((hugs))) Vicki
Just as your wise and loving sisters of the heart have said this is what grief looks and feels like. I remember my late mom telling me that in time the knife in the heart feeling would slowly morph into some tender and gentle memories about my son\'s life and not just his death. I could not even comprehend that it would ever happen to me, yet it has and will for you as well in time...
I know that does not help at all in this moment, but I what I hope it does offer are some glimmers of hope that the acute grief you are feeling now will slowly be lifted in time and that it will become something you learn how to carry.
With you now in how painful these days can feel and send my heartfelt care and the tightest of understanding hugs to find you.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
So I had a long response written but it is lost. I take it as a sign. So I will just say that I can relate. It just sucks.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
This is the face of grief. I remember once, not long after Michael died, walking into a Target store. I stood there among the shopping carts and \"pretended\" that any moment, Michael would come down an aisle and say \"Here I am, Mom\". Then, I walked into the store and came to the greeting card aisle. I found myself looking for a Birthday Card for Michael until reality hit like a brick and I asked myself \"WTF are you doing?\". But like Lynette said, it takes some time to come to grips with the memories and be able to smile at the same time, but it does come.
Peace
We understand & we care. We may the only ones who can truly relate to what you are going through. If you are able.....read our journals, even going back a few years. You will most likely see that in the beginning we also had some of the same feelings as you are having. We will hold your hand through this especially difficult time. Hope it helps to know that you are cared about & loved. Hugs.....Vicki
It is horrible to me I still all these years , still can see things I knew my daughter liked and cry. I feel emply all the time. . My whole family is dead no one left just a sister who we are not real close. sad.. Bless your angel, Big hugs and Love Mary Ann
Almost 3 years now and it is still about his death and not his life. When and will that ever end. Anger is just hitting me, angry that he is not here.
You are not alone on this Damn journey.
Laura
I jumped into work to forget the feelings. I was lost and needed something normal to do. I did not do very well at work either but I did need something to do or go totaly crazy. Grief came in splurts of different emotions. PTSD was the worst to get over then the whys and what if.....
OVer the years, life has become easier to deal with. Watching Mikes girlfriend spend 2 yrs in total isolation, tears not being able to work etc Tara finally came out of her hole and began to live again. To this day she cannot remember the first to yrs of little Mikies life. My daughter Alyssa did not start the processes for almost a year. Now she is still angry and blames Tara for everything that happened to her brother. I do believe she will be this way till the day she join\'s him. She still doesnt think I should have any time with Kaitelyn and Mikie. I am a grandmom do not take my kids away from me!
Sending tight hugs your way, Penny