Urgh
Here I am again - I was invited to a BBQ with some very close friends today - I went. While there, I was cornered by another mother whose daughter has Stage IV liver cancer. She wanted to talk to me because she knew I knew what she was going through. I listened until I could not listen any longer. I Know the journey of having a daughter on Chemo, Port-a cath- CANCER....Then Gone.....But tonite I really wished I could have said I know you are going through a lot and I have been there BUT YOU STILL HAVE YOUR DAUGHTER, IF ONLY......I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO TALK TO MY DAUGHTER AGAIN...... I know this mother wasn't being rude or not thoughtful - she just wanted someone to identify with....I did my best to listen, but then I spent the next 2 hours or so trying to get away from her ( there were approximately 25 people there) and this lady still followed me, wanting to sit with me, talk, etc.....I ended up leaving in tears because so many memories came back, so many Frickin' memories.....I just wanted to have an evening that I did not have to talk about IT - I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW A MOM COPES WITH THE WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN!!!!! Why couldn't I just say, it's been nice to talk with you but I really can't talk about it any longer. I guess it is what it is but I am sitting here feeling so sad stuck in my memories.....JUST BREATHE, JUST BREATHE.......SIGH....SIGH.....BREATHE.....SIGH.....URGH - I REALLY HATE IT.
Thanking you all in advance for being there - this is truly my support because no one else "gets it". Vicki
Thanking you all in advance for being there - this is truly my support because no one else "gets it". Vicki
Replies
It always seems to happen. Wherever we go, women come to us like metal to a magnet. Do you suppose that this is going to be our ministry? I have such a short fuse these days and no patience for any petty crap with parents that call to whine about what I consider lucky. Their kids need surgery or drug issues that they enable...DO SOMETHING, that is what I want to scream.
You are not alone I am where you are. We are still loving and we just need to be cradled right now with a big sh*t shield wrapped around us. Please Father buffer the crap for us...help us heal! Praying for us to feel some joy, Lauri
yup, happened to me too..... but me,,, the tears come so easy,,, I think peeps see it them and cut the conversation a little shorter.... love ya!
I am so sorry you weren\'t able to get away from \"it\". You certainly deserved it, rather than reliving the worst days of your life!
The woman just didn\'t understand that you are grieving. But, I think that she was pretty self centred and inconsiderate. Unfortunately, she is not the only one. I got put off by a woman in a support group who monopolized. She talked and talked and talked. I know she was in pain but dammit, so were we! I finally told her that I thought another lady had something to say.
I really have no patience for people who go on about the little annoyances of life any more.
I hope you have a better weekend.
Love and huge hugs.
Marlene
You were polite...that\'s why she kept talking. I don\'t really go anywhere...not very often anyway. I don\'t know if that is good or bad, it\'s just how it is for now. Maybe if you can put together some things to say when you are in that position you can both get away from the situation and be polite about it. I hate it when someone asks how I am...I haven\'t found a good response to that and I refuse to say that I am fine. If someone asks me if I have children I say I have one daughter and she is in Heaven...that usually gets them moving along...lol. I have a huge tattoo on my arm...sometimes people ask about that, but it\'s okay.
Creating healthy boundaries is a work in progress and it\'s okay to say that it is something that you are willing to talk about with her, yet just not today. I have done that often because as a hospital chaplain I would be cornered a lot in social settings because people would need a heart with ears and I would just say that it was my time to fill myself up, but that if they still wanted to talk another day just to let me know.
Oh, I\'m SO sorry that this happened and think that in these cases (which will happen again) it\'s good to think of something that you feel comfortable saying and have ready to say.
Hoping that today is filled with some moments of peace and sending you heartfelt hugs of understanding.
Loving care,
XO Joanie
I agree with Joanie. Have your reply ready, for the next time something like that happens. Maybe, \" I am sorry for your situation, but because I am still grieving I can\'t talk about it today.\" I am sure you can come up with something to say, but it is hard, when you are caught off guard.
((((HUGS))))....Julia
I know it was tough on you, reliving all the horrors...but as one mom who has lost a daughter to cancer to another...wouldn\'t it have been a help to have someone to talk to while our daughters were ill...someone who had been down the path we were walking then?
We all hope no one ever has to walk the path we are on now...
Maybe if it happens again you can ask the other mom, if you\'re up to it, to meet you another day ...that you want to enjoy the BBQ, or party, or whatever right now.
Oh Yeah....Been there...done that...HUGS for listening as long as you did. Hugs, Ann
My heart goes out to both of you! For you, needing a \"break\" to not talk about it and for her, needing to talk her heartbreak out to someone who understands. What a situation to be in! I agree with some of the others who suggest that we find a way to cut short these confrontations. Perhaps just a hug and \"I understand and will pray\" or whatever. No easy answers to deal with this.
Peace.
People are such a pain in the ass, and we give them a pass because we are too polite. I sure wish they would wake up and be grateful they are not in our shoes. I am tried of making excuses for them. Just keep them away from me!!!! You did great being so kind, Take care of you. Love, Kathy
i,am sorry to say this and it is just my opinon. But this poor mother who was there at barbacue, might not have had anyone to talk to no family, or she just wanted to talk about that horrible disease Cancer to some one. to I,am differant then you I would feel good helping someone out during a time their daughter is dying. . I think Good would be happy so see you conforting another mom. My daughter had Lupus and died a horrible death just like cancer and I did have my sister to talk to Thank God or I would have gone insane, I know you have been through alot your self but to give conffort and kindness to another mom is the most wonderful thing you can do. i would never think of her as a pain in the ass. So cold. or you could have given her your phone number and tell her the best time you could talk. to her. She was reaching out to you because your child went through so much too, She wanted confort and understanding and how you delt with your childs death. To give your time to some one reaching out and you giving that to her. you should be so proud of your self. giving some time to a grieving mother.. Bless your angel hugs and love and confort Mary Ann
i love Joanie and Julia are right I think Julia\'s suggestion is perfect.\"I am sorry for your situation, but because I am still grieving I can\'t talk about it today.\" I have had this type of thing happen to me so many time and the ones who are the worst are the wives of my husband\'s friends, If they were just regular people or a semi aquaintance - I would just walk away and not allow it to escalate. You did not to deserve to be going home in tears. You ARE allowed to go out and try to put aside you sadness for a few hours without someone crapping all over it whether intentional or not. Have that response ready....and use it...I am going to.
Matt\'s Mom Mary
Vicki, it is so hard when your journey is so new to comfort others. There is nothing wrong with setting a boundary in a kind way. For me, after a while I found it helpful to talk to others but my child didn\'t pass away from a horrible and painful disease. That in itself is another whole layer of pain I am sure.
So sorry for the woman\'s pain and fear...life can be cruel. But for right now just take care of you. Love and wishes for peace, Linda