alone

Well I am going down to house sit my mom's place while she is in Hawaii.  It will be the first time I have been alone for more than a day.  It will also be the 6 month mark since James Robert died.  6 nightmare months.  Months of praying that he would show up at the door.  Months of praying he would not be really dead.  Months of my heart breaking every day.  Months of pretending like I can keep it together.  I know if I don't at least act like I can keep it together then I will go back into the hospital.  I so want to be with James Robert.  I feel abandoned.  How could he do this to me?  How could God be so cruel?  Why should I go on?  He was my baby.  He was the light in my life.  Now darkness.  Now sorrow.  Now only the gray days even when the sun is shining and the sky is blue.  I feel alone when I am surrounded by others.  I feel alone and adrift in a sea of pain, sorrow, and a desolate world.  I act every day.  I pretend I am ok.  I won't kill myself, that I know, but I so wish the pain would at least fade.
 
I shouldn't go on an on.  I should be strong.  It is a good thing people can't see inside of me, then they would know the depths of my sorrow.  I am nothing without James Robert.  I never will be again.

Thank you for your support and love. It helps me see that I am not alone.  That there are hands held out that I can grab and hold on to when I feel like I am being dragged under the tide of depression, sorrow and pain.

Replies

saltwatercowgirl
saltwatercowgirl

Grab my hand and hold it tight - it has been 6 months for me as well losing my only child and I too can identify with every word...Heart to heart, I\'m with you! (((HUGS))) Vicki
dougadoug
dougadoug

The pain, the yearning for our child is so unbearable. I found writing a personal journey to my son - venting, screaming, crying, asking why, why, why - helped me. When I eventually had to go back to work I would do my best to put the mask on and function. Then I would come home and crawl into his bed with a glass of wine and maybe a peanut butter sandwich - those were my staples along with ice cream. The other moms further along in the journey gave me hope, told me I would survive, but I honestly did not believe them, could not see how. Little by little I had very brief moments of relief, and as time went on those moments grew into minutes, hours, days. I\'ve come to accept that whatever the answers to my questions are they won\'t change the outcome, so for the most part I have stopped torturing myself. Hang tight and come here often for the love and support that is offered. Much love and tight hugs to you
. Sue xo
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

The loss of a child should never happen. But it did to us. How do we go on? One breath at a time. I wrote Lisa letters and still do; not just as often. The pain is still with me and always will be. But I can also enjoy life. I keep very busy because I can fall in to the black hole very easily. Now I know that I will come out of it.
When I look back, I think I was really dissociated. I could go to work and do a decent job. The only times I broke down at work were when the chaplain came to talk to me. He was so caring and understanding that I invariably cried.
I guess what I am saying is that it does get better. I suspect you are thinking yah yah - not a chance! That was what I thought. Gradually the fog clears and one day, life doesn\'t look quite so bleak.
I wish I could be there to give you a hug and cry with you.
Loving hugs,
Marlene
JennsMom66
JennsMom66

You are something...just not the sane as before.
We all know the nightmare you are living...we live it too, ans survive the same way, one second, minute, hour and day at a time...you will too my dear SOTH, you will too
Hugs, marylou
l8gra
l8gra

It is the most horrific situation in life that any Mother can be handed...I hate it with a passion!!!!! Six months seems like an eternity but it is just the beginning of our journey. It\'s like walking through quicksand for sure. I understand how you feel about \"being alone\". I can be surrounded by people and it seems that I am on a different plane, just observing, but not a part of anything. It is a whole new way of living and certainly not an easy one, but we all help each other as best we can because we understand what each other are living through. Take care of yourself precious sister and know that you are loved and we are here for you...Lynn
babiboismom
babiboismom

I\'m squeezing your hand tighter......I understand & I care.
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Loving care to cradle and hold those shattered pieces of your heart.

The \"should\'s\" do not belong in a grieving mother\'s vocabulary. However you are feeling is what is needed for this moment. Move into it as you are and allow it simply to BE.

Loving care and SO much understanding,
XO Joanie
PLA58
PLA58

The day I went to my sons house because Tara called and said he did not look good at all, he was dead sitting up on the couch. My first phone call was to my best friend, Karen. She had lost a son a few years ago, her words were DO NOT PLAY THE STRONG ONE! know one will understand you when you finally break down.. I took her advise , it was my daughter who thought she needed to be the strong one almost a yr later everything hit the roof for her. Her anger caused her friendships she had for yrs with others.

You should do what is right for you, I did heal some of that hole in my heart and am still working through it just as each of us are.
tight hugs Penny