The weekend

This weekend has been pretty tough. Who knew that my stepdaughter's birthday would be so emotional. It's different than a special date with Brad bc I know she's right there and I want to be apart of it so much and I'm not. I don't understand why it is so hard for her mother to accept that her and I have a special relationship. Is it really so bad that someone else loves your child like she was theirs? I wasn't aware that people loving your kids was a bad thing. I'm sorry that I was doing a good job at being her stepmother, especially since she didn't want to mother her at all. His family has been great, as always. I don't know why I say his family, their my family too. But his brother and sister in law came by before her party to pick up the sleep shirt my grandmother made for her out of one of her daddy's shirts. I don't know how she liked it yet because they didn't get to see her open it. But later when I asked how it was they said she was having a lot of fun with her friends, which is awesome! They also sent me pictures! I can't believe how much she has grown! she is quite a little lady now, her daddy is so proud and so am I! 
I have pretty much been a mess any time i could stop and think. If i let myself think I get upset. So i've tried my hardest to keep busy, but yesterday was difficult. I don't know what i would do if I didn't have my son. he is literally the only thing keeping me going. If he wasn't here I'm not so sure I would be. Nothing seems to matter anymore, there is no goal of the house in the mountains, another baby, homeschooling the kids. There isn't that person to come home to who completes your world. Wow I didn't think about it until now, and as cheesy as it is... He and the kids completed me. They were what has always been missing in my life and now there is a part of that, his part, that I can never get back. This life as a widow is miserable.