So far So good

So far today has been ok. I woke up really early, but didn't want to get out of bed so I turned on the tv and watched for a while. At that point I didn't think I was going to get out of bed at all today. But I made myself take a shower and get dressed, do my hair and make-up etc. At that point I was ok. I went out and washed the car which took a couple hours. Then Evan and I cut some flowers off the rose bush and took them to the cemetery. They were so beautiful! When we got home I had a message from Brad's mom. I don't think the two of us have ever had a chance to really sit down together and talk. When Brad and I first met things with his parents were ok. They lived in Hawaii so he didn't see them very often. The first time I met them was a little over a year after we had first met. At that same time I also met his brother and sister-in-law and their baby girl. It's actually kind of a funny story. They were all coming into town for the middle brother's wedding. This was just before we decided to move in together so I was at the house all the time. I was also still a waitress so my schedule was random and I was at the house the morning they were all coming in. Everyone was to meet there, except Brad had to go into work. I was a little uneasy about it, but he said he'd be back before they got there. Guess what! he wasn't.... So there I was with his brother and sister-in-law (the ones who live here and I knew already) coming in with his parents. His mom immediately gave me a hug like we had known each other for years. It actually made me feel really good. Accepted I guess, and like we were going to have a great relationship down the road. About 5 minutes later he got there and he thought it was hilarious. The first time I meet his parents and he's not even there! lol Anyways by the time I saw them a second time things had changed dramatically in their relationship. It was summer the next year and I was once again by myself. I took our truck to meet them at his brothers house to trade it with the one they were driving. (thats a long story) about that time was the last time he spoke to his parents. The next time I saw them after that was just before his funeral. I had spoken with his mom over the phone a couple times, but it wasn't like we had each others phone numbers and talked every week. His dad usually keeps pretty quiet, I haven't talked with him much. We did talk a little at the funeral. His mom is one of those people who hasn't met a person she didn't like, at least that I know of. She is incredibly sweet and very loving. Her message today was very sweet. It of course had me in tears, but not in a bad way. Right after the funeral she wanted to exchange phone numbers, but something happened and we never did. I was honestly very torn about it. Brad had so much hurt and anger towards his parents for the past several years. Through some group text with his brother's she would message everyone and he would tell me not to respond to her. So I struggled with if he would be ok with me having contact with her. But at the same time I felt like bad for not exchanging numbers with her. I can't tell you how many times I hoovered my curser over the "Friend" button on facebook. Then finally one night I did it. She's made comments here and there on things I've posted, but up until today that had been about it. After reading her message and sending her one of my own I feel really good about it. She really is an incredibly loving person and really cares about her family. I hate that we hadn't spent more time together with them over the years and that I am basically building a relationship with her after he's gone. I do wonder if he is ok with this, but I can't help but feel like he is. I think we were in the beginning stages of him healing and working through a lot of issues that were holding him down. So it does kind of make me sad that we never got the chance, that he didn't get the chance to mend his relationship with his parents. Talking to his family makes me feel closer to him. I still miss him like crazy of course. This all really sucks. I wish we could go back and do things right. You know his relationship with his parents staying good and us not doing the stupid things we did to each other that ultimately cost us precious time together. But we can't go back, I just have to accept it as it is and make the best out of whats to come.