Update?
Its been a long time since I was on here. I've just been trying to keep busy. And honestly there really isn't much new to say. Its still awful. I don't cry as much, but I still do almost every day at some point. I guess you can say I've accepted it a little more. I have gotten really good at being ok during the day but when I get home it's like i'm physically exhausted from being "OK" all day.
Yesterday morning I was sitting at my desk trying to work. I could feel that I was starting to get into that 'blah' mood. My mind was beginning to wander to him and how much I miss him. Then all of a sudden there was what sounded like someone laughing really loud, but then it happened again and again, except by this point you knew something was wrong. She screamed about 7 times before another co-worker went into her office and closed the door. I could only make out a little of what she was saying, I made out a mans name. That was all I needed to hear, I knew exactly what was wrong. She had gotten a phone call from her mother-in-law, her husband was gone. I was thrown right back into the state I was in the night Brad died. I just froze and all i could do was stare at my desk. I was completely numb. The girl I work with who sits right behind me lost her mother 2 years ago and she reacted somewhat like I did. It definitely threw us both back. But it definitely affected me more so than her. Our manager came over and asked if we were both ok. I told her I was, but that I had had a flashback and that I was pretty shaken up. Later I was in her manager's office and she asked me the same thing, she said I looked pretty shaken from it. Later on we learned that his mother had found him in his room unresponsive, all too familiar to me. Apparently his health wasn't great, but this was completely unexpected. I feel so sorry for her, especially since I'm still so freshly dealing with the same thing. It's nothing I would ever want anyone to have to go through. He was also young, in his 50's. It took me a good hour to stop shaking and regain my composure after that. I can't imagine finding something like that out while I was at work. I had always thought if I ever had to hear the news that I would have responded like she did, but I didn't. I just completely shut down. And I stayed that way for all of January. I can't remember much of that first month. There are parts I can remember well, and parts that are foggy, and things i've just flat blocked out.
The most excited I've gotten since Brad passed was when I found a video on the computer. My son had said something about seeing the two of us kissing. I was really confused because I could not recall and pictures of us kissing, there are only about 6 pictures of the two of us together. And there were no videos that I could think of. Most of the videos had one of us in it or it was just the kids, but never both of us at the same time. So later that night I was on Facebook and found the slideshow his brother had made for the funeral. I watched it about 4 times and cried my eyes out each time. But after that I decided to look through his videos on the computer. I came across one that the preview image was really dark and the video name was 2010.00.00 (he labeled everything with the date like that) So I watched it and just about started jumping up and down. New Years Eve 2010 we went to a club in Atlanta. It was the only New Years Eve that we really went out and were actually out at midnight. We went out the next year to a local bar/club here in town and something happened, I can't even remember what, but we left and were at the gas station getting gas at midnight.... The years after that were pretty boring. This last one was nice though, we spent the night in bed watching a movie except for the 5 minutes surrounding midnight. Anyways, the video was of us kissing at midnight. I had completely forgotten about this video, I hadn't thought about since probably that night. And I finally figured out how to save a still shot from the video! I was so excited. I've watched it several times since then, and honestly will probably go watch it again here in a minute.
I'm trying, it really sucks, but i'm trying. Nothing is in my control and it is driving me absolutely crazy!
Yesterday morning I was sitting at my desk trying to work. I could feel that I was starting to get into that 'blah' mood. My mind was beginning to wander to him and how much I miss him. Then all of a sudden there was what sounded like someone laughing really loud, but then it happened again and again, except by this point you knew something was wrong. She screamed about 7 times before another co-worker went into her office and closed the door. I could only make out a little of what she was saying, I made out a mans name. That was all I needed to hear, I knew exactly what was wrong. She had gotten a phone call from her mother-in-law, her husband was gone. I was thrown right back into the state I was in the night Brad died. I just froze and all i could do was stare at my desk. I was completely numb. The girl I work with who sits right behind me lost her mother 2 years ago and she reacted somewhat like I did. It definitely threw us both back. But it definitely affected me more so than her. Our manager came over and asked if we were both ok. I told her I was, but that I had had a flashback and that I was pretty shaken up. Later I was in her manager's office and she asked me the same thing, she said I looked pretty shaken from it. Later on we learned that his mother had found him in his room unresponsive, all too familiar to me. Apparently his health wasn't great, but this was completely unexpected. I feel so sorry for her, especially since I'm still so freshly dealing with the same thing. It's nothing I would ever want anyone to have to go through. He was also young, in his 50's. It took me a good hour to stop shaking and regain my composure after that. I can't imagine finding something like that out while I was at work. I had always thought if I ever had to hear the news that I would have responded like she did, but I didn't. I just completely shut down. And I stayed that way for all of January. I can't remember much of that first month. There are parts I can remember well, and parts that are foggy, and things i've just flat blocked out.
The most excited I've gotten since Brad passed was when I found a video on the computer. My son had said something about seeing the two of us kissing. I was really confused because I could not recall and pictures of us kissing, there are only about 6 pictures of the two of us together. And there were no videos that I could think of. Most of the videos had one of us in it or it was just the kids, but never both of us at the same time. So later that night I was on Facebook and found the slideshow his brother had made for the funeral. I watched it about 4 times and cried my eyes out each time. But after that I decided to look through his videos on the computer. I came across one that the preview image was really dark and the video name was 2010.00.00 (he labeled everything with the date like that) So I watched it and just about started jumping up and down. New Years Eve 2010 we went to a club in Atlanta. It was the only New Years Eve that we really went out and were actually out at midnight. We went out the next year to a local bar/club here in town and something happened, I can't even remember what, but we left and were at the gas station getting gas at midnight.... The years after that were pretty boring. This last one was nice though, we spent the night in bed watching a movie except for the 5 minutes surrounding midnight. Anyways, the video was of us kissing at midnight. I had completely forgotten about this video, I hadn't thought about since probably that night. And I finally figured out how to save a still shot from the video! I was so excited. I've watched it several times since then, and honestly will probably go watch it again here in a minute.
I'm trying, it really sucks, but i'm trying. Nothing is in my control and it is driving me absolutely crazy!
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