My Story

In March of 2009 a coworker introduced me to a man who worked in the same shopping center as the restaurant we worked in. She invited him for lunch that day, and I chickened out. I completely blew him off. But 2 months later I was still thinking about him and decided to invite him for lunch again, except I once again chickened out. But this time fate had different plans. Just so happened that he came in to our restaurant for lunch with his boss that very same day. I didn't let him leave without my number and two days later we went on our first date. I knew that night that this was 'the guy'. The next 3 1/2 years were filled with ups and downs.It was never easy, and we both hurt each other more than once. Over the years he began to reveal to me that he was sick. The only problem was that we could never figure out what it was and it just kept getting worse. It got to the point that he was no longer able to run his fencing company. We made the decision at the beginning of 2013 to move in together for the 3rd time. Throughout the year we had some very hard times, but for the first time we were really working through our problems instead of just breaking up. By the fall our kids were doing well in school and we finally had his daughter with us full time. But through this time he also continued to seem to get sicker and sicker. He did have his good days where he would feel ok and be able to do things with us. Still the doctors could not come up with a logical explanation or solution to his constant pain and fatigue. We spent countless hours researching ourselves finding every possibility. One night 3 weeks ago we put together a list of his medication side effects to try to see if changing or eliminating any would ease his misery. That next morning he went to his doctor who did nothing more but change his pain medication. This doctor always seemed annoyed with him and even told him shortly after Thanksgiving that he was not being a man and was a not being a good example for his daughter. Anyone who knew him knew that this was anything but true. He was simply amazing, a strong, hard working, loving, driven father. His daughter was his entire world and everyone knew it. That evening after coming home from work I talked to him for a few minutes, but he was napping and not making much sense. He said 'your not leaving me are you?' I was confused by his statement and told him that I was going to the pharmacy to fill his prescriptions but that I would be back shortly. I was gone for about an hour and 20 minutes. I returned home to find him in our bed unresponsive with a bluish tint to his skin. I knew the moment I saw him that he was gone, but I couldn't except it or process it. The paramedics came and proceeded to take him into our dinning room where they could have a hard surface to put him on. I'm not exactly sure what all they did to try to bring him back, the only thing I know for sure is they tried to do a treach on him. And I only know this because I saw it and his blood on our floor when it didn't work. I'm not sure what time they pronounced his death. I'm not really sure of alot that happened that weekend except that I was numb and have been numb ever since. The autopsy showed that his heart was enlarged and one artery was completely blocked, a heart attack at 34. We are still waiting for the toxicology report because of the number of medications he was on. But I strongly feel that what he had been suffering from for years was a heart condition and not one doctor ever caught it. Going back over the years, especially this last one, he had every single sign of having a heart condition. Every one of them. 
He and our kids were my entire life. I love him more than I ever thought was possible to love another person who wasn't your child. He knew me better than I know myself and helped me grow into the person I am today. He was absolutely the love of my life. We were not married but both treated and considered our relationship a marriage. I can not even begin to describe the rollercoaster of emotions I am living through everyday. I am functioning purely on auto pilot and have amazed everyone who knows me. Truth is there is my heart is in pure physical pain all the time, but because I have to function and still have the job of mommy to do, I hide it with a smile most of the time. How I am not in a puddle in the middle of the floor is beyond amazing. Especially considering I was hospitalized last year for what can only be described as a nervous breakdown. I have never been able to imagine my life without him in it. And now I have to live my worst nightmare. I miss him every moment of everyday.