Life Sucks
What the hell did I do to deserve my life coming to this? I've always tried to do my best, to help people, to love my friends and family as much as possible and here I am feeling utterly and helplessly alone.
There have been times when I just wanted to end it and dammit if those feelings aren't starting to poke their head around again. I don't think it's so much self-destruction but rather not giving a damn about what happens anymore. I shouldn't give one person so much power but I loved her with every part of my being and she decided I was no longer worth it and went to the arms of another.
She's obviously moved on and is happy with where her life is going wherein I'm heading full speed in the other direction and I don't know how to stop it other than waiting for the eventual crash that I know has to come. I never pictured getting to this age and being alone..I hate it...
I was a fool for taking her back last summer when she cried and asked for another chance. Lori didn't deserve to be dropped like a rock but that's what I did and maybe this is karma biting me for doing that. I should have sent Kim on her way that night as after all, she is the one who wanted to separate 15 months prior and never once did she mention ever trying to work things out. Nope, not a fucking word until she found out I was dating Lori and it was starting to get serious, then all of a sudden she is at my door crying about realizing what she gave up, what was missing, etc.
I hurt Lori badly and I regret that. I should have just closed the door on Kim that night but I needed to know if our marriage could be saved. I know now that it couldn't, it's just too bad that I couldn't see it then. I really should have filed for divorce when we separated, that way we would have been done long before the failed reconciliation as it would not have been necessary. Maybe I was a fool. I don't know. What I do know is I've given my heart to two women who took vows and then broke them. I'll never make that mistake again. I'm tired of losing..tired of being life's punching bag.
What do I have to make it worth going on? The only thing is Mady. She is the only thing out of this marriage that I consider a positive at this point. I love her and she loves me. If there is one thing keeping me going, she is it. From the first day I held her tiny body in my hands 5 years ago, I've loved her more than life itself. If she wasn't here, I wouldn't be either. Plain and simple.
I should probably talk to someone but I don't know if it will help. There has to be a reason to want it and I'm having trouble finding it right now. Maybe this will pass. I hope it does because I can't take much more of feeling like this, feeling like life is spinning out past my grasp
There have been times when I just wanted to end it and dammit if those feelings aren't starting to poke their head around again. I don't think it's so much self-destruction but rather not giving a damn about what happens anymore. I shouldn't give one person so much power but I loved her with every part of my being and she decided I was no longer worth it and went to the arms of another.
She's obviously moved on and is happy with where her life is going wherein I'm heading full speed in the other direction and I don't know how to stop it other than waiting for the eventual crash that I know has to come. I never pictured getting to this age and being alone..I hate it...
I was a fool for taking her back last summer when she cried and asked for another chance. Lori didn't deserve to be dropped like a rock but that's what I did and maybe this is karma biting me for doing that. I should have sent Kim on her way that night as after all, she is the one who wanted to separate 15 months prior and never once did she mention ever trying to work things out. Nope, not a fucking word until she found out I was dating Lori and it was starting to get serious, then all of a sudden she is at my door crying about realizing what she gave up, what was missing, etc.
I hurt Lori badly and I regret that. I should have just closed the door on Kim that night but I needed to know if our marriage could be saved. I know now that it couldn't, it's just too bad that I couldn't see it then. I really should have filed for divorce when we separated, that way we would have been done long before the failed reconciliation as it would not have been necessary. Maybe I was a fool. I don't know. What I do know is I've given my heart to two women who took vows and then broke them. I'll never make that mistake again. I'm tired of losing..tired of being life's punching bag.
What do I have to make it worth going on? The only thing is Mady. She is the only thing out of this marriage that I consider a positive at this point. I love her and she loves me. If there is one thing keeping me going, she is it. From the first day I held her tiny body in my hands 5 years ago, I've loved her more than life itself. If she wasn't here, I wouldn't be either. Plain and simple.
I should probably talk to someone but I don't know if it will help. There has to be a reason to want it and I'm having trouble finding it right now. Maybe this will pass. I hope it does because I can't take much more of feeling like this, feeling like life is spinning out past my grasp
Replies
I\'m sorry you are having a bad time :( Unfortunately, I have found that good people are more often than not fucked over a lot. That there are times when we feel like we don\'t want to go on.
But we do. Because to stop is to lose the fight. Not the fight before where we tried to keep what we held dear. But the fight to live on and become stronger after. People can\'t see the huge scars from these fights but we see them and feel them daily. In the hopes that they heal up or become some badge of honour. That in the future we finally have a life and maybe even a love we deserve.
But for now, we get back up hard as that may be, and we fight on.
I would most definitely recommend seeing a counsellor about this. They truly do help when you feel like you are ready to stop or collapse.
Keep thinking of Mady and keep fighting.
I know this is hard but you gave to keep fighting for Mady, and more importantly, for yourself. Things will get better. Talking to someone is a great idea. He or she will help you see the value in your life and in the lesson you are learning.
Life does suck at times. Nothing hurts like someone you love turning their back on you. I understand where you are coming from and I am sorry you have had to experience this, especially this late in life.
Life does go on my friend and, you can make it through this. Often times, we are our own worst enemies but, don\'t let your emotions define who you are. Most of us here have been slammed down, stepped on and/or abandoned but, we come here to support others to let them know they can go through this tough times and still find purpose in life. Hang in here with us. There are great support people here.
Thanks for the support, my friends. You really don\'t know how much it means to have you with me at this time.
Maybe I am letting my emotions get the better of me but its tough having nobody to turn to in my real life. Granted, the people here on DS are great but sometimes you just need a person that you can talk with in person and I don\'t have that as yesterday\'s betrayal showed. My nearest relatives are two hours away so it\'s as if I\'m on a distant island with no ship in sight.
Johnzilla, amazing our stories are so similar except I never married my low-life lying asshole! 5 months ago, I was at the height of my emotional pain, not knowing what is happening. Although I suspected, he kept denying it, hence my trip to Asia last Feb. to see for myself. All the while we were together, his whore was texting him and he would reply, but kept reassuring me \"there\'s nothing going on\". What a lying asshole. Anyway John, take heart. You will get there, you will stop hurting. Just make sure you don\'t go back. In my case, I think my heart was already battered and bruised, I don\'t think he could hurt it anymore than he already had with his lies! Hope the bastard gets his Karma soon!