Here we are, 2:30am, unwinding from a tough as expected night at work. I knew all the time driving around would cause my mind to wander in places I'd rather it didn't.
Of course, the current situation was topic número uno no matter how much I tried to not let it happen. Songs on the radio (Chicago's "Hard Habit To Break") and others really set my mind spinning but at the same time provided me with some clarity and introspect. There's a line in the song that says "You found someone else, you had every reason. No, I can't blame you for running to him. Two people together but living alone, I was spreading my love too thin". My love for her wasn't spread thin but something obviously happened to put what she feels is an unmovable wedge in our marriage that necessitates it's end.
Should I make one last ditch effort to salvage it? I don't think it would do any good but should i at least ask her?? Do we want to throw away the good times we had? The good more than outweigh the bad. Will the week she spent in Vegas and points beyond sway her irretrievably to the side of Mr Wonderful?? I don't know but I can't help feeling I owe it to myself to at least plead my case.
If that's how it has to be,ok. I'll have to accept that. I get it. But at the same time, I thought about something tonight that will hit it home to her pretty good if indeed it is over. I almost feel like it's cruel and vindictive but if it has to happen, I'm planning to have her served with the divorce papers on Weds, Feb 26. Why that date? California law puts a divorce at six months. By serving her on that day, that will make the divorce final on August 26.
August 26,2014..... That will be 12 years to the day that we met and 11 years to the day we married. If it's got to happen then I May as well have a say in it that I want to hit her in her very core. She loves memorable dates and that is one that would definitely drive a message home. Am I being an ass about it? Could be. Oh well.
Another potential date to serve her will be on Valentines Day. Imagine that... She will get flowers from Mr Wonderful and served with a divorce suit from her husband....Sweet justice??? My question to myself though is "why am I getting pleasure out of this?". I'm not a bad guy..why am I thinking like this? Maybe this is why she's leaving to begin with..
I don't like what I see of myself from the last three paragraphs but I'm leaving them intact. Maybe I do need to toughen up to get thru this. Maybe I need to be a little vindictive.
Something else I thought about tonight is writing L a letter explaining exactly what happened leading me to dump her. I flat out F'ed up on that. She did not deserve that to happen at all and I'm nothing more than a low life form for doing that. Leaving her because K got sentimental thinking that she had lost me to another woman when the separation 14 months before was all K's doing, not mine. L and I were getting very close and it felt good. Why the hell did I give that up for K, the lady who didn't want me then all of a sudden changed her mind???? I should have followed my heart and stayed with L. K had shown she didn't want me. Why the hell did I do that???? I have really messed up my life good in the last year!!!!
Of course, the current situation was topic número uno no matter how much I tried to not let it happen. Songs on the radio (Chicago's "Hard Habit To Break") and others really set my mind spinning but at the same time provided me with some clarity and introspect. There's a line in the song that says "You found someone else, you had every reason. No, I can't blame you for running to him. Two people together but living alone, I was spreading my love too thin". My love for her wasn't spread thin but something obviously happened to put what she feels is an unmovable wedge in our marriage that necessitates it's end.
Should I make one last ditch effort to salvage it? I don't think it would do any good but should i at least ask her?? Do we want to throw away the good times we had? The good more than outweigh the bad. Will the week she spent in Vegas and points beyond sway her irretrievably to the side of Mr Wonderful?? I don't know but I can't help feeling I owe it to myself to at least plead my case.
If that's how it has to be,ok. I'll have to accept that. I get it. But at the same time, I thought about something tonight that will hit it home to her pretty good if indeed it is over. I almost feel like it's cruel and vindictive but if it has to happen, I'm planning to have her served with the divorce papers on Weds, Feb 26. Why that date? California law puts a divorce at six months. By serving her on that day, that will make the divorce final on August 26.
August 26,2014..... That will be 12 years to the day that we met and 11 years to the day we married. If it's got to happen then I May as well have a say in it that I want to hit her in her very core. She loves memorable dates and that is one that would definitely drive a message home. Am I being an ass about it? Could be. Oh well.
Another potential date to serve her will be on Valentines Day. Imagine that... She will get flowers from Mr Wonderful and served with a divorce suit from her husband....Sweet justice??? My question to myself though is "why am I getting pleasure out of this?". I'm not a bad guy..why am I thinking like this? Maybe this is why she's leaving to begin with..
I don't like what I see of myself from the last three paragraphs but I'm leaving them intact. Maybe I do need to toughen up to get thru this. Maybe I need to be a little vindictive.
Something else I thought about tonight is writing L a letter explaining exactly what happened leading me to dump her. I flat out F'ed up on that. She did not deserve that to happen at all and I'm nothing more than a low life form for doing that. Leaving her because K got sentimental thinking that she had lost me to another woman when the separation 14 months before was all K's doing, not mine. L and I were getting very close and it felt good. Why the hell did I give that up for K, the lady who didn't want me then all of a sudden changed her mind???? I should have followed my heart and stayed with L. K had shown she didn't want me. Why the hell did I do that???? I have really messed up my life good in the last year!!!!
Replies
Hey there John,
well, I personally feel there is nothing wrong with your thinking. Here is why: I think we entertain such thoughts because we feel like they don\'t care. I think it\'s our hearts desire to try to make them feel something for the loss like we do. Problem is, this rarely works and usually ends up just making us feel worse in the end. Either because it didn\'t work or because we end up feeling guilty for acting spitefully, especially when it is out of character for us to begin with. It\'s so awesome that you are getting your feeling out like this though. Sometimes the why\'s are only there to further torture us as we don\'t have the answers and may never have them. You handled it the best way you could at the time. Life is all learning lessons. Mistakes sometimes do happen for a reason. there is always Something we needed to learn or that we can find to learn from them. Maybe you just simply were not done and had to go that route to know that you truly gave it your all and can finally be done without wonder and regret. Hang in there! We all know it will get better we just don\'t know when.
Thank you my friend!! I\'m going to try to get some sleep now. Have a great day!!