I have realized how grief is impacting my job performance. It's not my work situation, it is ME. I feel behind. It's one thing after another and deadlines passing me by so quickly. As an orchestra teacher, I think in terms of the school year...compared to what I was doing last school year. When my biggest competitions of the year ca me around this year, I worked soooooooo hard. Morning, after school, and even Saturday rehearsals. And for all of my work, we just did the same as last year. I'm working so hard just to do the same as last year. I typically strive to be better than last year. That's always the goal...as good or better than before. My work is the only normal aspect to my life now. I can't even say my kids. I have to evolve to be more than what I was and be both mother and father to them. So I guess today, I'm frustrated with myself and my job performance. Falling behind and unable to plan in a successful manner. I figured out that the grief and trauma have put me into survival mode. So all I can think of are matters when they are right in front of me.
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Since you are an orchestra teacher, you must know the one strong rule of performing music (as I do, a professionally trained lyric soprano): LOOK AHEAD one measure, THINK AHEAD one measure, visualize what is coming and be there before it does, on and on to the end of the piece being performed. You can use this in your life as a teacher. It most likely also translates into the life of grief but don\'t ask me how, I only know how to use it as a professionally trained vocalist.
Don\'t strive to be \"better\", strive to be \"equal\", in your work. \"Better\" in regard to your emotional life will take a great deal of time. Stop judging yourself!!!!! STOP!! I know how hard that is, believe me, oh boy do I know, but at least try.
You don\'t HAVE TO do anything. You don\'t HAVE to \"evolve\" to be anything or anyone EXCEPT YOURSELF as God has created you, and you don\'t know who that is right now. That will take time. The only thing you NEED to do is love your children unconditionally and let them know it without making them carry the burden of your love as a parent because, until they are parents, they cannot begin to understand. FORGIVE yourself, you are human; PRAY; be thankful for your children, each one is a precious gift, not yours, given into your care. If you don\'t have a grief counselor, find one. It\'s not easy to find a \"good match\", I went through 3 or 4 before I found mine, she has saved my sanity. I keep you in my prayers little sister.
Thank you for your thoughtful and kind words of wisdom, Daughter of Lourdes. I have read your response when I really need to be encouraged.