5 Years Today...

I can not believe 5 years ago, Ryan went to Heaven. As I'm sitting here in New Jersey waiting for Erica to get out of work, I seem to feel Ok, for right now anyway...Every year is different, last year we spent time together with some of Erica's girlfriends sitting along a lake behind Dakota's moms house...I am a spur of a moment kinda girl, lol, Ya, I seem to worry about everything, but come across as being quite calm and know what I'm doing...HA! People bring out my crazy ole self,lol...I become a magnet to some people, or people run from me for some reason...Actually I'm realizing all this as time goes on...Maybe Ryan has something to do with it? Actually!! the first night I laid down, knowing I had to wake up without ever seeing Ryan again, I prayed, prayed prayed... Scared to death to go to sleep and wake up in so much pain..I couldn't bare the pain, I had to endure through the rest of my life..That excruciating pain ever, the WORST!!! This is way we say "ONE DAY AT A TIME"!!!! WOW!! Does that narrow it down, huh..I never could understand that theory!,lol ..I actually hated hearing that phraise, didn't you?
"One day at a time", for 5 years was living hell...That is the difference between me and someone who hasn't lost a Child, PURE HELL!! The good part about knowing, feeling like, and living in "pure hell", is "IF" we don't learn how to live in the moment "one day at a time" WE will continue to live in Hell...WOW, I never wrote the word hell so many times in my life as I just did now,HaHaHa!!!!
 From the time I remember as a little girl, I was sooooo shy and afraid to talk to people. HUH! MEEE, NOT!! HaHa.. Yup it is true, I was afraid of everything and everyone…OH YAAA! I remember sitting in the car while my mom was in, uncle Jim’s country store..lol, I jumped around and locked all the doors in the car so he wouldn’t open the door and tickle me to death..Oh he would tickle me until I couldn’t breath and then it would hurt, oh how I hated that!!!
I remember staring out the windows at school, all the way up through 6th grade, always thinking there is something out there other then what we were doing right there in school.. I always knew something out in space, Something is bigger then me, and God was the word I was suppose to find..I duno…To make my story short, life went on when “I” was making the plans… OMG! 
I am a spiritual person, and this was said to me………..
The difference between Spirituallity and Religion is: RELIGIOUS people are afraid of going to HELL and SPIRITUAL people have already been there!!!!!
Anyway, I am not religious and I am not prejudicious, it doesn’t matter…”Love” is all that matters!! Right, KALA!! Yup, I believe so too! Please say Hi to Ryan for me while you are all celebrating Ryan’s 5 year Angel Anniversary…Give him a great Big Hug and Kiss for me & tell him how much I love him! Thank you sweetie! (everyone knows Teri’s, Kala!) Love is all that matters, is Kala’s expression to her mom, and I hold on to those words….
 Now I need to shower and get ready for this day! We are going to let the day unfold, and live and let GOD!!!!! I miss you Ryan, and love you sooooo much! Love to all of you, Kelly