5 Years Today...
I can not believe 5 years ago, Ryan went to Heaven. As I'm sitting here in New Jersey waiting for Erica to get out of work, I seem to feel Ok, for right now anyway...Every year is different, last year we spent time together with some of Erica's girlfriends sitting along a lake behind Dakota's moms house...I am a spur of a moment kinda girl, lol, Ya, I seem to worry about everything, but come across as being quite calm and know what I'm doing...HA! People bring out my crazy ole self,lol...I become a magnet to some people, or people run from me for some reason...Actually I'm realizing all this as time goes on...Maybe Ryan has something to do with it? Actually!! the first night I laid down, knowing I had to wake up without ever seeing Ryan again, I prayed, prayed prayed... Scared to death to go to sleep and wake up in so much pain..I couldn't bare the pain, I had to endure through the rest of my life..That excruciating pain ever, the WORST!!! This is way we say "ONE DAY AT A TIME"!!!! WOW!! Does that narrow it down, huh..I never could understand that theory!,lol ..I actually hated hearing that phraise, didn't you?
"One day at a time", for 5 years was living hell...That is the difference between me and someone who hasn't lost a Child, PURE HELL!! The good part about knowing, feeling like, and living in "pure hell", is "IF" we don't learn how to live in the moment "one day at a time" WE will continue to live in Hell...WOW, I never wrote the word hell so many times in my life as I just did now,HaHaHa!!!!
From the time I remember as a little girl, I was sooooo shy and afraid to talk to people. HUH! MEEE, NOT!! HaHa.. Yup it is true, I was afraid of everything and everyone…OH YAAA! I remember sitting in the car while my mom was in, uncle Jim’s country store..lol, I jumped around and locked all the doors in the car so he wouldn’t open the door and tickle me to death..Oh he would tickle me until I couldn’t breath and then it would hurt, oh how I hated that!!!
I remember staring out the windows at school, all the way up through 6th grade, always thinking there is something out there other then what we were doing right there in school.. I always knew something out in space, Something is bigger then me, and God was the word I was suppose to find..I duno…To make my story short, life went on when “I” was making the plans… OMG!
I am a spiritual person, and this was said to me………..
The difference between Spirituallity and Religion is: RELIGIOUS people are afraid of going to HELL and SPIRITUAL people have already been there!!!!!
Anyway, I am not religious and I am not prejudicious, it doesn’t matter…”Love” is all that matters!! Right, KALA!! Yup, I believe so too! Please say Hi to Ryan for me while you are all celebrating Ryan’s 5 year Angel Anniversary…Give him a great Big Hug and Kiss for me & tell him how much I love him! Thank you sweetie! (everyone knows Teri’s, Kala!) Love is all that matters, is Kala’s expression to her mom, and I hold on to those words….
Now I need to shower and get ready for this day! We are going to let the day unfold, and live and let GOD!!!!! I miss you Ryan, and love you sooooo much! Love to all of you, Kelly
"One day at a time", for 5 years was living hell...That is the difference between me and someone who hasn't lost a Child, PURE HELL!! The good part about knowing, feeling like, and living in "pure hell", is "IF" we don't learn how to live in the moment "one day at a time" WE will continue to live in Hell...WOW, I never wrote the word hell so many times in my life as I just did now,HaHaHa!!!!
From the time I remember as a little girl, I was sooooo shy and afraid to talk to people. HUH! MEEE, NOT!! HaHa.. Yup it is true, I was afraid of everything and everyone…OH YAAA! I remember sitting in the car while my mom was in, uncle Jim’s country store..lol, I jumped around and locked all the doors in the car so he wouldn’t open the door and tickle me to death..Oh he would tickle me until I couldn’t breath and then it would hurt, oh how I hated that!!!
I remember staring out the windows at school, all the way up through 6th grade, always thinking there is something out there other then what we were doing right there in school.. I always knew something out in space, Something is bigger then me, and God was the word I was suppose to find..I duno…To make my story short, life went on when “I” was making the plans… OMG!
I am a spiritual person, and this was said to me………..
The difference between Spirituallity and Religion is: RELIGIOUS people are afraid of going to HELL and SPIRITUAL people have already been there!!!!!
Anyway, I am not religious and I am not prejudicious, it doesn’t matter…”Love” is all that matters!! Right, KALA!! Yup, I believe so too! Please say Hi to Ryan for me while you are all celebrating Ryan’s 5 year Angel Anniversary…Give him a great Big Hug and Kiss for me & tell him how much I love him! Thank you sweetie! (everyone knows Teri’s, Kala!) Love is all that matters, is Kala’s expression to her mom, and I hold on to those words….
Now I need to shower and get ready for this day! We are going to let the day unfold, and live and let GOD!!!!! I miss you Ryan, and love you sooooo much! Love to all of you, Kelly
Replies
Thank you all for being there for me through these past 5 years.. Without you, there would be NO Way I could of got through this painful journey. I love ALL of YOU!!!
Thinking of you today and holding you tightly in my heart...love and hugs...Lynn
Thinking of you and your family and sending many ((((HUGS)) your way.....Connie
Dearest Kelly, my heart is with you on this 5th year without your Ryan on this earth....altough we all know he has been with you, helping you along the way.Always remember we are all here for you....I hope your day is filled with all things RYAN.Love To You, Charlene, Mitchells mom
It is good to hear from someone that has been on a long journey like you...We lost our Jeff September 7, 2005...Sometimes even now I cry when I know Jeff\'s girls are having to grow up without their Dad. I wish I could feel like you - feeling Ryan\'s presence - and know that I could feel Jeff\'s presence. I hate that saying \"one Day at a time\" too. I hate a lot of sayings that people say to me.
Much peace and love being sent to you on his day.
Nell
Dear Kelly, I will be thinking of you as this day \"unfolds\" and will be praying that GOD cradles your still hurting heart and brings you peace and comfort for one more day. {{{BIG HUG}}} Suzzanne
A journey from Hell and back..is a good way to say it.....I have not made it out yet....don\'t know when it will happen....I liked what your said about religion...Thanks for sharing...best to you through this time..Sandi
Dear sweet Kelly, my thoughts and prayers are with you on Ryan\'s fifth Angel Day. May you and Erica have a peaceful and gentle day. Much love and hugs to you both as you let the day unfold. Diane
Thinking of you today my dear sister of the heart. You are so right, if we don\'t learn to live in the moment...
Love and gentle hugs always to you and precious Ryan, Linda
You expressed so much of how I feel. I was much like you at school - I knew there was more out there and spent a lot of time daydreaming - to the point that my French teacher asked if I wanted to spend the rest of the class sitting on the bleachers!
I have a friend who often says \"one day at a time\". It irks me - one day a hundred days - Lisa is still gone. She is dealing with a husband with health problems and says \"we are in this together\". I want to say that we are not. I got annoyed one evening and said \"You still have him. I will never hug Lisa again, hear her voice and her laugh\". She did agree that she couldn\'t imagine losing her daughter.
I like to think of living in the moment rather than the old cliche \"one day at a time\". There are days when a moment is all I can handle.
I wish you peace on your dear Ryan\'s Angel Day.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Thinking of you, Kelly, with lots of love and admiration for your no nonsence way that you express yourself. It is to the point, expresses where you find yourself in this moment and that is so helpful for me. I don\'t think that I have ever read any of your journals where I did not feel this way. You expressed how you find yourself in a different place along this path each year and I like the openness that it offers. How we honor our children each year is fluid depending upon how we are feeling. Comfort and peace dear Kelly and lots of Ryan moments to be shared with Erica. Much love, Joanie
Sending you love and hugs, I\'m thinking about you guys today, praying you feel Ryans love always surrounding you. Lynette
Kelly, I\'m thinking about you this afternoon and sending hugs from arizona. i hope you have peace today on Ryans\'s Angel Day.
Hell is the right word for this trial...you have said so many things that I can relate to...about religion and spirituality...even Jesus did not like religion!! And I hate the slogan \"ONE DAY AT A TIME\"...that is an old tv show NOT the way I wanted to live...treading on every minute waiting til it\'s over to move on to the next minute....I still go to sleep never wanting to wake up because I know where I am going and there is no fear.
I hold you and Ryan close to my heart as you observe his absence from this world......Lots of love to you and Ryan...thank you for sharing these reflections on your grief....dale, brandon\'s mom
I understand your loss. My son was killed on July 6th 2005. I am a believer and I know my son is in heaven. My thoughts and prayers are with you.