5 years ago...
I had a wonderful visit today, my first face to face meeting with a SOTH today...she was bright, positive, full of life...everything I aspire to be but can't imagine. She is so strong.
It should have been the start of a wonderful day, but as usual, on this journey the day was filled the the tide of grief rolling in and out. Today was a particularly hurtful day...see, it is the 5 year anniversary of the death of Michael Jackson. I remember that because it is the 5 year anniversary of the first time I had my daughter hospitalized for being suicidal...and cutting herself. Her senior year of high school was hard. She first started having emotional problems. I had taken her to our family doctor...he had tried several antidepressants but nothing seemed to work. She believed the problem was school and she just wanted to get away...so I kept encouraging her, day by day...and finally she graduated and was awarded scholarships for college. I was broken hearted that my baby was going to be moving away to college, but breathed a sigh of relief that at least she would be feeling better, out of high school. It was not to be...she continued having episodes. My husband lived 1100 miles away, for work, so I had essentially been a single parent for several years in every way other than financial. He's not a talker, my husband. I would call him crying, hysterical...telling him there was something wrong with her and I was scared to death. His solution??? He would call her and ask how she was...she would say fine...he would inform me that all seemed well. This happened over and over again. The fear, depression, pressure, tension was so thick in our home...I got a glimpse of her thighs, then demanded to see them...there were hundreds of shallow cuts, in various stages of healing. She told me she was going to kill herself...I was afraid to let her out of my sight. There are very few resources in my area...it took a lot of work just to get someone to take us seriously...but she was finally entered into a psychiatric hospital, one month after giving her valedictorian speech at her graduation...on the day Michael Jackson died. It was all over the news, you remember, don't you???
She was so smart...had such a bright future (in my eyes)...I did not want her labeled. I hoped it was just a rough patch and we would get through it. I moved to Miami...my husband wanted me with him and it was what we had planned once Cassi went off to college. The distance allowed her to keep things from me, I have learned so much since her death. Her friends would not betray her, even when there were things I needed to know. Like me, I guess, they thought she was just going through a rough patch. She graduated in 2013, got a job and moved off campus. Again, just as I thought things were looking up for her, she went into a downward spiral. The last few months were tortuous. This time, she said, she just wanted to get away from Pensacola...that was what was wrong...so I encouraged her, day by day. She could transfer within her company, there were offices all over the country. She had her heart set on Washington State. A few weeks before she died she had actually gotten a phone interview from the Washington office but was ultimately turned down for lack of experience. Same with the other states that were her second and third choices...she had not even worked a year...she had to put her time in, it WOULD have happened. Secretly, I was afraid even if she moved, once the excitement wore off she would fall back into the pit. We will never know now. The fear, then tension was palpable, I never felt I could exhale those last few weeks. At times she seemed to be doing better...and when she wanted to deceive me she could. She was being harassed by a man in her neighborhood, I was afraid for her...I gave her a gun...THE gun...I knew, in my soul, things were not as they seemed, but she told me she was fine, she sounded find and yet I couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling, there was more going on and it wasn't good. February 2, I found out how "not good" she really was. This Sunday will be 20 weeks.
I no longer ask "Why" about her suicide...my questions are why did she have to suffer so??? Why didn't she get to have a normal brain??? Brain chemistry??? And worse...why didn't I spend more time with her when she was younger...why wasn't I a better mother...and worst of all...WHY ON EARTH DID I GIVE HER THAT DAMN GUN???
I am in limbo...am I going to live or am I going to die??? I go back and forth, every day, every second, every minute. I want to be with her so badly...but surely God has some important work for me to do, or else I would not have survived the first week. I had her for 22 1/2 years, she has been gone almost 20 weeks...this is a hard, hard journey.
It should have been the start of a wonderful day, but as usual, on this journey the day was filled the the tide of grief rolling in and out. Today was a particularly hurtful day...see, it is the 5 year anniversary of the death of Michael Jackson. I remember that because it is the 5 year anniversary of the first time I had my daughter hospitalized for being suicidal...and cutting herself. Her senior year of high school was hard. She first started having emotional problems. I had taken her to our family doctor...he had tried several antidepressants but nothing seemed to work. She believed the problem was school and she just wanted to get away...so I kept encouraging her, day by day...and finally she graduated and was awarded scholarships for college. I was broken hearted that my baby was going to be moving away to college, but breathed a sigh of relief that at least she would be feeling better, out of high school. It was not to be...she continued having episodes. My husband lived 1100 miles away, for work, so I had essentially been a single parent for several years in every way other than financial. He's not a talker, my husband. I would call him crying, hysterical...telling him there was something wrong with her and I was scared to death. His solution??? He would call her and ask how she was...she would say fine...he would inform me that all seemed well. This happened over and over again. The fear, depression, pressure, tension was so thick in our home...I got a glimpse of her thighs, then demanded to see them...there were hundreds of shallow cuts, in various stages of healing. She told me she was going to kill herself...I was afraid to let her out of my sight. There are very few resources in my area...it took a lot of work just to get someone to take us seriously...but she was finally entered into a psychiatric hospital, one month after giving her valedictorian speech at her graduation...on the day Michael Jackson died. It was all over the news, you remember, don't you???
She was so smart...had such a bright future (in my eyes)...I did not want her labeled. I hoped it was just a rough patch and we would get through it. I moved to Miami...my husband wanted me with him and it was what we had planned once Cassi went off to college. The distance allowed her to keep things from me, I have learned so much since her death. Her friends would not betray her, even when there were things I needed to know. Like me, I guess, they thought she was just going through a rough patch. She graduated in 2013, got a job and moved off campus. Again, just as I thought things were looking up for her, she went into a downward spiral. The last few months were tortuous. This time, she said, she just wanted to get away from Pensacola...that was what was wrong...so I encouraged her, day by day. She could transfer within her company, there were offices all over the country. She had her heart set on Washington State. A few weeks before she died she had actually gotten a phone interview from the Washington office but was ultimately turned down for lack of experience. Same with the other states that were her second and third choices...she had not even worked a year...she had to put her time in, it WOULD have happened. Secretly, I was afraid even if she moved, once the excitement wore off she would fall back into the pit. We will never know now. The fear, then tension was palpable, I never felt I could exhale those last few weeks. At times she seemed to be doing better...and when she wanted to deceive me she could. She was being harassed by a man in her neighborhood, I was afraid for her...I gave her a gun...THE gun...I knew, in my soul, things were not as they seemed, but she told me she was fine, she sounded find and yet I couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling, there was more going on and it wasn't good. February 2, I found out how "not good" she really was. This Sunday will be 20 weeks.
I no longer ask "Why" about her suicide...my questions are why did she have to suffer so??? Why didn't she get to have a normal brain??? Brain chemistry??? And worse...why didn't I spend more time with her when she was younger...why wasn't I a better mother...and worst of all...WHY ON EARTH DID I GIVE HER THAT DAMN GUN???
I am in limbo...am I going to live or am I going to die??? I go back and forth, every day, every second, every minute. I want to be with her so badly...but surely God has some important work for me to do, or else I would not have survived the first week. I had her for 22 1/2 years, she has been gone almost 20 weeks...this is a hard, hard journey.
Replies
Oh Gina. It is a dreadful journey. You did what you thought was best at the time. You wanted Cassi to be safe. How were you to know?
Why did our children have to suffer? Lisa suffered from depression too. I was at a loss as to how to help her. Once she had my granddaughter, she changed dramatically. She was on antidepressants until the end though.
I wish we could turn back time. I still miss Lisa every day.
I guess we still have work to do on this earth. I am trying to make the best of it.
Wishing you love and peace,
Marlene
Yes, Gina, it is a hard journey, one that I often thought that I could not continue on. I so understand about beating yourself up over feeling like you could have spent more time with her when she was younger and been a better mother. The fact of the matter is that we did not come here as mothers with a handbook or a crystal ball to see the future. We did the best we could. In retrospect, maybe we could have done this or that better, but everyone can say that about anything in their lives. That is why hindsight is 20/20. And really, maybe no matter what you did, it would have not changed the outcome. And so, in time, you will stop beating yourself up. The gun thing, I am sure, is so very hard for you to deal with. But that is not your fault. It is the same thing as feeling like if your child died in a car that you gave them, that would be your fault for the car. It is so soon and new for you, we are here with you every step of this journey.
Peace.
Gina, I hope you will find some peace. This journey is beyond any we could have every imagined. I too miss my girls with ever breath but I agree there is something we are to do. WHAT???? We will find it in time I guess. Love. Kathy
SO very grateful that you could connect with a sister of the heart and as those face to face visits are so nurturing and life affirming.
I know you are riddled with guilt and many what ifs... You are in the process of trying to understand, I know as best as you are able. So much of this will never be understood and trying to learn how to forgive yourself for your humanness as well as Cassi\'s is a work in progress...
Loving care dear Gina and keep taking it one breath at a time as you are.
XO Joanie
You did the very best you knew how to do. When you realized that there was a problem, you tried to find her help. The gun was something you wanted her to have to protect herself, probably from the man who was harrassing her. None of us are mind readers. There is no way you could have known what would happen. Please, don\'t blame yourself. It is not your fault.
I wish I had been a better mother too. Spent more time with my son, when he was young and also in his last years. Hindsight is 20/20 and not worth a damn!! I have had to accept the fact that I have no control over anything. Worry changes nothing!
I feel your pain annd so wish I had the words to really comfort you. Just know that we are here for you and we understand...
((((HUGS))))....Julia
We all wish we\'d done better....had done some things differently. But like everyone said, we did the best we could do at the time with the knowledge we had. We MUST let that be enough and stop torturing ourselves.
20 weeks....such a short time on this journey. It sounds scary from your perspective to say that, I\'m sure....it did for me. I thought, man if this is a short time and I still feel SO much pain, how the hell will I ever survive? But truth is darling, we DO change and our grief does change. All you are feeling today is for today\'s grief. This will not be \"tomorrows\" grief....unless YOU choose it to be.
SO happy that you and AnnM got to meet face to face! She is one of my hero\'s and one of the kindest, more insightful, and inspiring women I\'ve ever met. I\'ll never forget the first time I met her. I was simply mesmerized by her! I hope the two of you will often be able to get together and share the healing LOVE energy of sisterhood.
Gina, we can always look back and see our mistakes or shortcomings and we can allow those backward glances to rob us of our future; or we can say NO! to the negative energy they try to infuse within our hearts and move forward in positive energy, which IN MY OPINION, is how we best live in the love we share with our children.
When I love Teri, I love Kala. The best way for me to show my love for my child is to take excellent care of her momma.
I KNOW how hard it is my darling friend. I also KNOW we can find LIFE again. I\'m proof of that.
You WILL and ARE finding YOUR way to survive this nightmare and to work through the intensity of the pain. And you WILL find yourself, and your smile and your joy and your life!! And no one will be, or is, prouder of you than your wonderful Cassi!!
Keep sharing. Keep trying. And keep breathing.
Love you!
Love to Cassi!
There are many similarities to our stories, but April was not a cutter. She was not threatening suicide either, she just made secret, elaborate plans all of which, except the last, I discovered. Your husband sounds much like her Dad: financially secure and generous, emotionally unavailable and also at a distance 150 miles. Sometimes when I spoke to him, I felt like I was talking to a stranger, a neighbor, someone with no vested interest. He wouldn\'t, couldn\'t, acknowledge her rapidly developing and complex psychosis. Toward the end, he had no choice. The psychiatrist told us she might never be able to live independently and I knew if I tried to encourage that she would be dead in two weeks.
I took her into that store where she bought that shot gun. On my birthday. Stupid, stupid, stupid. But, as everyone says: another day, another way. It\'s quick, it\'s painless. Had I found her hanging from the rafters in my garage, I would not have survived for more time than it took to go upstairs, unlock my doors, open my safe, and take my weapon out.
WHY??? Yes. Why did the only child I prayed so hard for, wanted so much, suffer from these terrible afflictions? I knew from the beginning there was a real problem, couldn\'t find a mental health professional adept enough to recognize it. Why? No answer to that question, I\'ve almost stopped asking it, almost.
Why me? No. Not just me. You. and thousands of others who have lost young adult children to suicide because of mental illness and that with a gun. My therapist has three other mothers whose daughters used a shotgun. Not just me, not just you, us. All of us. We ask the same questions, we suffer the same self condemnation, we have the same intense regrets where there ought not to be regret because we did the best we could do. You let your daughter \"go\", hoping she would \"age out\" of the problems, find normalcy in college and in life. I could not let my daughter go. But we....mothers who have lost children in this horrific way....we all knew, in our hearts, didn\'t we? God did give us the foreknowledge didn\'t He? And as humans, because our own emotional stability was so tenuous, we couldn\'t see the truth or we would have not been able to cope with life, to be any source of strength. What if your daughter had been born to a woman who didn\'t see her pain, refused to acknowledge it, ignored it, punished instead of encouraged? No. They came to us, for a reason. God does not make mistakes. And so, He turned His head for those hours, minutes, seconds, and took them Home in His great mercy and love. That same love is for us, too. This is a straight and narrow path, a lonely path, a torturous journey. Are we here to do \"great\" things? I think we are here to give witness: God is real, His love is much greater even than the love we have for our daughters, Gina. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
Hi Gina, My heart aches for you....I know the pain you are experiencing. My son, Greg, died by suicide when he was 19 years old. Losing your child that way brings so much anguish about what we did or didn\'t do as mothers. There can be so much guilt and the \"what if?\" questions can go on and on and on. Greg died in February of 2009. It has been about 5 1/2 years since he left us and 5 1/2 years that I have been on this difficult grief journey. I can tell you that it does get better. I don\'t know why our beautiful children had to suffer in this life. You and I would take on that suffering in an instant if it meant that our children would be happy and whole....but, it just wasn\'t meant to be. Please be very gentle with yourself. 20 weeks is not a long time at all on the grief time-line. If you can, let grief take its course and please, ask for help if you need it. You are not alone and you can survive this. I have survived and am really living again and I feel very close to Greg now...almost closer than I have ever felt before. I am with you on this journey. Sending you tight, tight hugs and love, Anne