5/3/2013

Have not been on the site much lately due to computer problems. Think I got that more or less a little better. Things are..I don't know. Feel like all I do sometimes is whine about one thing or another. I get tired of listening to it myself, so I'm sure my friends are tired of reading it or listening to it. maybe I need to set up a list of "Punishments". If I whine-then I have to clean the bedroom or something like that.  I just...It's mostly weekends and in the still of the night. I don't know if it's him I miss or the companionship or what. Yesterday, I went to the house after work to see the dogs. I had been thinking about them. But not sure if I was going to see them or him. He wasn't home but drove up while I was in the front yard with the dogs. He wanted to show me the work he's done on the hosue since the last time he showed me the work he'd done on the house. I don't know why he thinks I would have any interest in it, but whatever. He wanted me to show him my new hearing aids and we talked about that. I noticed (I think) that when we are together-just the 2 of us, we seem to still stand really close to each other like a couple does. I'm not sure if I do it, he does it, it's habit or what. I'm very sad and lonely and vulnerable right now. I hate it cause that's when I do stupid things. For every time, such as yesterday, that I do give in to the desire to see him, I successfully resist that desire 20 times-I think. But, i don't want to have the desire at all. My therapist sometimes asks me when the ex and I have communicated who initiated the contact. Until recently, it's been him. Lately though, I think it's me. There's really no reason anymore since I gave him all the bank account stuff and got my own for us to have any contact-at all. I need to get back to where I don't contact him in any way. To that end, I blocked him on my cell and email. I blocked him from my FB account ages ago. blocking him on my cell also blocks me from being able to send him texts, etc anymore. I had not blocked the number before because there were situations where we might need to be able to get in touch with each other. Since my dad's death and splitting up our joint account though, there really is no reason. and I know part of the problem right now is I have not gone to get my meds filled. I need to do that Monday for sure. Also, this is the 4th mother's day without my mom, but the first one without my dad. The first Father's day without my dad. He would have been 80 this July-so that pretty much kills May June and July. A salesclerk asked if I was ready for Mother's Day-and I almost lost it. I did cry all the way home. My brother is getting married (for the 1st time!) next year. I am very happy about it and love her to death, but it makes me so sad that my parents are not here for it. I feel the usual urge to sleep all weekend. I'm trying to not do that anymore, but..old habits. Sleep is a tried and trusted escape. I know things will be better tomorrow. If not, then the next day, etc...But right now I'm just blech...and so very very tired.