5/24/13
Doing very very badly today. Not quite sure why. Maybe cause have been off meds for a while (bad girl very bad girl)? All I know right this minute is that I need to hold on for 3 more hours. Then I will be off for the long weekend and I can go home and cry all I want.
Of course for some reason he has been on my mind since I got up. Why? who knows. Memorial weekend is usually the weekend of his family reunion. Last year they didnt have it for various reasons. No matter-we were not together anymore anyway. The year before he was kind of rude to me. The others didn't notice,but I did. NOW, of course I know that he'd already found and lined up my replacement. At the time I was clueless. I was 6 months away from even knowing he was unhappy and looking for someone else. Still do not understand why he's the one who lies and cheats and acts like a POS, but I'm the one hurting--even after all this time.
And of course last year he had meant to be visiting HER this weekend last year... which is why our final divorce date was retroactive to the first of last May-so it would look like he was divorced before he saw her the first time. Cause in his mind it wasn't cheating before since they had not had a physical relationship. Narcisstic-table of one in the rationalizing area....Then for whatever reason, he didnt get to go and had to wait till July 4 week. Yes, yes...there was the whole he was going for a symposium in D.C. blah blah blah...lies all of it and I knew it all along...It's not that he is not clever..He just doesn't give me enough credit.
Geez, why am I reliving all this crap? Can't totally move forward till I let go of it. Hmm. could be because I'm not feeling well. The creeping crud.
Of course for some reason he has been on my mind since I got up. Why? who knows. Memorial weekend is usually the weekend of his family reunion. Last year they didnt have it for various reasons. No matter-we were not together anymore anyway. The year before he was kind of rude to me. The others didn't notice,but I did. NOW, of course I know that he'd already found and lined up my replacement. At the time I was clueless. I was 6 months away from even knowing he was unhappy and looking for someone else. Still do not understand why he's the one who lies and cheats and acts like a POS, but I'm the one hurting--even after all this time.
And of course last year he had meant to be visiting HER this weekend last year... which is why our final divorce date was retroactive to the first of last May-so it would look like he was divorced before he saw her the first time. Cause in his mind it wasn't cheating before since they had not had a physical relationship. Narcisstic-table of one in the rationalizing area....Then for whatever reason, he didnt get to go and had to wait till July 4 week. Yes, yes...there was the whole he was going for a symposium in D.C. blah blah blah...lies all of it and I knew it all along...It's not that he is not clever..He just doesn't give me enough credit.
Geez, why am I reliving all this crap? Can't totally move forward till I let go of it. Hmm. could be because I'm not feeling well. The creeping crud.
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