5/20/2015
Well it's been a rough week, again!! It seems like the REALITY has really hit me hard and I am unable to make it through the day without crying. My last day of work is June 12 for 6 weeks, so I am counting the days.....giving, giving, giving @ work is exhausting when I already feel exhausted. I don't want to repeat my previous journal but it just seems like this 2nd year SUCKS. I really feel like "it" just happened. I am questioning everything. It's like I have a split personality - one side is "she is happy, at peace, no pain, rid of whatever mental demons she fought for so long" BUT the other side of this sybil personality is questioning, reliving that week in the hospital, reliving our life together.....crying.....am I just now REALLY grieving? I don't get it.
All along I thought I had been working on myself, my heart, coming to peace with this new life I have but TODAY I'm not so sure.....feel like I am swimming backwards but going nowhere.....Have I been too busy? I think I do sometimes what I need to do for my cracked heart. SIGH.......
Took a very close friend along with 2 other friends to dinner for her birthday Tues. eve....As understanding as these friends have been, the conversation went to their girls who are in college, the struggles with their sons, the struggles they have as a mom......SIGH.. Sure miss those conversations when I could talk about Jennifer in the present instead of the past.....maybe that's why my week sucks....REALITY of this is who I am now and this is my life....SIGH
(((hugs))) and much love to my sisters of the heart Vicki
All along I thought I had been working on myself, my heart, coming to peace with this new life I have but TODAY I'm not so sure.....feel like I am swimming backwards but going nowhere.....Have I been too busy? I think I do sometimes what I need to do for my cracked heart. SIGH.......
Took a very close friend along with 2 other friends to dinner for her birthday Tues. eve....As understanding as these friends have been, the conversation went to their girls who are in college, the struggles with their sons, the struggles they have as a mom......SIGH.. Sure miss those conversations when I could talk about Jennifer in the present instead of the past.....maybe that's why my week sucks....REALITY of this is who I am now and this is my life....SIGH
(((hugs))) and much love to my sisters of the heart Vicki
Replies
For me, the second year was horrible. I did not know who I was anymore and that was awful. I had a hard time giving anything to others and those moments when I had to hear about their child, really it was almost impossible to hold back the tears. How I remember...how I feel for you! After almost 6 years, it is a bit better now, thanks to the moms here. I was/am sad for them too of course! No one should have to go through these years of h***!!!
Dear Vicki. I agree that the second year was the worst. You are grieving - it comes in waves. You think everything is going to be smooth until you encounter the next tsunami. You never know where or when it will hit you. All I can say is to go with the flow. I needed (and still do) need to cry, sometimes yell and scream to release the emotion. I expect I always will. There are days when I miss Lisa so much that my stomach hurts. I know it will pass - life goes on and I enjoy my daily life. I now have no expectation that this new life will be wonderful but it could also be a lot worse.
I still find it hard when friends go on about their kids at length. I guess I am a bit subversive because I always find a way to mention Lisa. They usually (not always) find another topic.
Roll on June 12.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
Big Sigh. It sucks! Life without our beloved children sucks. There is no getting around it.
Tight hugs,
Having to live without our babies definitely sucks. It is so unfair. Love and Hugs, Paula
So hard to know who we are now!! The second year was horrible for me. When the initial shock wears off, the reality sets in. It was that way after the death of my husband and also after the death of my son. I am still dealing with finding out what my new reality is, after 3 yrs and 8 months. Today is no different than yesterday for me.
Having lunch with friends and not being able to talk about your child, in the present really sucks!! I totally understand!!
(((((HUGS))))).....Julia
Just be very gentle with yourself, my dear friend! I understand, because I feel the same way.
Tender hugs! xxx
Vicki, I still find it painful when others chitchat, complain & brag about their kids. I used to...I used to live that life and I want it back! But we know too well our lives have changed. I feel like I live in several realities now. The life I live at work & in public where no one wants to be reminded that anyone could be hit with this tragedy, the life where I miss my son & can talk about (here), the anger, the acceptance. For me, I cry & go with the sadness when the waves hit and just ride it out until the intense pain subsides. Just know we understand & whatever you feel is ok...its part of the process. Tightest of hugs, Linda
I, like you are finding that the waves crash harder..but they don\'t seem to come as often. I think it makes a difference that you are at work and have to stuff it unptil you can get a minute to yourself. I am home alone most of the time and bawl whenever the mood strikes. I hope this summer off, allows you to feel your grief whenever you need. Love, Lauri
I still feel that weirdness when our friends chat about their children,,,, not being able to join that conversation hurts.... sigh..... so understand.... love ya!
It is all grieving...so many things to grieve. Our human mind has to process and reprocess everything surrounding the loss of our child. It takes many years. It has been 8 years for my Alex and I still have trouble getting my head around it. Time my friend...time. Love and gentle hugs...Karen.
You are so right. The second year is tough. There seems to be an ebb and flow of grief waves. I think when I just \"went with it,\" I was able to give myself permission to cry and miss him intensely. Then there would be a calm and some better ability to cope for a little longer times.
I hope your time off work will take some stress off. Remember to make yourself a priority. Pamper that heart of yours. You are doing the best that you can and that is good enough.
Gentle hugs....
Debbie
Understanding that when the skin is pulled back what is left is a very raw and tender beating heart that needs gentle, gentle tending. Those realities that we cannot speak of our beloveds in the present tense can take my breath away and there is nothing any of us can do, yet be present to it as you are and say that it hurts like hell and share it here among others who are hurting too.
I have always felt for me that it has been two steps forward, one back, yet never, ever where I was on that fateful day in July of 2008. No matter how awful it feels I will never feel the way that I did on that day, so it helps me to see that in nano increments perhaps healing is happening because it is.
I had asked in a hug when you last day of school is so have it in my mind now. It is coming and I hope that those weeks will be filled with what you are needing even if you aren\'t even sure what that might look and feel like. Allowing it just to unfold...
Much love dear Vicki and keep journaling and sharing as you are within this loving community.
XO Joanie
The 2nd year was very bad, the first year I was numb. The pain was worse because I started to feel. It wasn\'t until year 4 or 5 that I was beginning to see the light and the pain was bearable. My work still suffers because I will never be 100%.
If it were not for my SOTH\'s here I do not know were I would be today. Maybe still all alone in my dark hole.
Sending you the tightest hug to help your pain ~ Penny
Just thinking of you -- Laura
I do not know if its the same for everyone... but for me... my new normal includes that pain and sadness are under everything... but I\'m not angry about it... I guess healing... coming to peace with it... well somewhat... is just accepting that its always going to hurt... It takes us all different amounts of time... please don\'t ever rush yourself or let others rush you... I promise... 2 years... I was still seeing every blond headed girl or woman and having to go through a checklist of how they didn\'t look just like Cara... being happy for moms and daughters that I saw out and about... but wishing so much it could be me and Cara... You know a mom named Patsy said it pretty well... she said, \"I know that pretty much every single day I am going to have something that triggers a memory... and its highly likely I\'ll break down and cry and hurt so bad I think its almost as bad as it was when it first happened... the difference is now... I know this will happen... so actually now I have my melt down or melt downs some days... and I pick up and go on.... carrying my broken heart and all this pain... but also I can now see and treasure the good parts too... Hugs Elissa