5/11/2013

I don't know. I just don't know. A pretty day ehre, so thought I'd take my dog down to the green market on the river. Yes, I knew EX wouod be there..but he's there every Saturday and I don't usually go-so I dont know if going had anything to do with him. Yes, I did make sure i looked good. Didn't spend much time at his booth, etc..just long enough for him and the dog to "kiss'....I bought some stuff from other booths and then left. But...now I keep having visions of #4 doing the booth with him, meeting and charming all the people from MY town....etc. And I can't forget that when he posted on FB that we had split up (that's all he said), some of his friends posted "good. he deserved better". so now...For awhile i figured I was going to have to avoid all the places I knew were "his" places. Then, I decided...nah..I don't have to, it will be fine.. Now, I'm thinking it may not be so fine after all. I'm seeing ghosts again: him and #4 walking and holding hands. His face beaming in happiness as he introduces his latest one and only, one and only to people. I see myself standing in the shadows under a dark cloud, alone and miserable. Am I really going to have to stay away from places they might be or places I know they will be?
This is such a hard weekend for me anyway missing my mother and my father and feeling sooo...well. I have my new "ears", so I no longer have any excuse to not go back to church. i can't tomorrow because I can't deal with mother's Day. But next Sunday..I will start church shopping. Find a place where I feel at home and start meeting other people and filling my life with other activities. We have few friends in common and no activities that I can think of in common. Baby steps...2 steps forward one step backward...