Update...
If I got around to writing this last night, I would've themed it "Inspirational" because I had such a WONDERFUL week! I was my old normal self: energetic, stable, optimistic, happy, fun....all of it. I got so many things done, it was glorious.
Just prior to my dad coming to visit for 2 days, I took a deep breath and finally decided that I want to stop being mad at him for all the issues we have between us. By concentrating on the fact that he did the best that he could as a parent (and that's all we can do as parents), and realizing that he's 78 years old and won't be around forever, I was able to focus on how much he means to me, and really enjoyed his stay. We went to the Renaissance Faire, which is one of my favorite places, and had a really good time! He left on Monday.
Tuesday I had knit group. I had dinner with the Organizer prior to that (we're getting chummy; I think she's as lonely as I am) and it was so NICE just sitting around talking to other women.
The rest of the week was great. I got lots of stuff done, and throughout it all, just felt, as I said, my Normal Self. I even started talking to J about sex again, usually a precursor to having it.
This morning, I woke up and felt a slight pang of That Feeling. Immediately, I tensed up and my stress level rose....here it comes again, I thought. It certainly was not nearly as bad as it often has been, but just the very possibility of my day, which could be the first of several days, spent being in the clutches of Menopause has me very anxious. It's a vicious cycle; if I wake up with soreness, a little headache, and some gas, my mind immediately starts to worry about getting menopausal, so I become menopausal. (This doesn't happen all the time; sometimes I can talk myself out of it, sometimes I have to just resign myself to going through it all over again). Just the thought of it continues to make me sadder and sadder. "Don't think about it!" I say to myself. Don't think; just breathe. I'm fine...I'm fine....I'm fine...I just had very little dinner and also ate a handful of Lindt truffles 1/2 hour before going to bed...and I went to bed kind of late. Is that all it takes to knock me over the edge?
In all my years of going through this, I've been searching in vain for that Magic Pill: that action or thing, or combination of actions and things, that either eases my menopause, or makes it worse. (I say "my menopause" because everyone's is different). That way, I can have some guideline as to what to do or not to do. I know that Stress plays a major factor, and the problem is that the chemical reactions in the brain cause the mind and body to go through major stress. EVERYTHING, no matter how small and insignificant, becomes a Major Thing, from the cracks in the tile in the bathroom, to whatever housework needs to be done, to one's lack of friends and family...whatever...ALL of it becomes a Big Deal...and it's ALL Negative. I cannot see the good side of anything, much less focus on it, and everything is upsetting. and overwhelming. One becomes so Ultra Sensitive that even certain visual images or sounds can be extremely upsetting (and I'm talking about normal images and sounds, like a certain cartoon, or snappy music). The stressful dreams are no help, either, and I don't have much control over those.
Menopause completely takes over one's life for hours, even days, and when it hits, well, it's just so hard to accept that one has, at least at those times, no control. It is like being on a small boat; sometimes the sea gets choppy, but if you have your controls, your steering, your emergency kit, your map and compass, you can get through it. But menopause scrambles your compass, breaks your steering wheel, and drops your emergency kit overboard. You might still have your map, but you have no control....and this is not very good for stress reduction. No one likes feeling Powerless (and this is a big issue for me; being epileptic means not only am I periodically out of control-as in having a seizure- but also since I can't drive, I have less control regarding where I go, when I go, and what I can take and/or bring back with me).
And it's not only the Menopause itself, but also the uncertainty and duration of it. One is racked by a combination of physical and mental symptoms that are simply awful to deal with....and it could go on for days. By the third or fourth day, when you wake up and you're STILL in it....you're physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. The whole thing is just so awful to go through that even the slightest possibility of having to go through it at all...is so worrisome and saddening, which can bring on and even enhance a menopause bout.
So this is my challenge today: to be Good To Myself by letting myself rest, play calming music, keep my stress down, and focus on the things in my life that ARE working out. If I don't make it to Target to catch the sale on paper towels and toilet paper, then I don't. There; a big load off my mind already. L's a teenager and can therefore feed and amuse herself, and so if I don't actually Do anything today.....that's okay. I hereby use my "Get Out Of Jail" card and will completely allow myself to do whatever I need to do to relax...
.....because the more relaxed and de-stressed I am, whatever level of menopause is looming on my doorstep is eased, even if only a little bit. I don't think I can get through the day without a bit of a cry, but that's okay, too. I'll deal with it, and the sore muscles, and the damn digestive issues, by resting.
Someday, this will all be over.
Hugs to all, and special thanks to PainterC and heatherhurts for all your kind thoughts and messages.
Just prior to my dad coming to visit for 2 days, I took a deep breath and finally decided that I want to stop being mad at him for all the issues we have between us. By concentrating on the fact that he did the best that he could as a parent (and that's all we can do as parents), and realizing that he's 78 years old and won't be around forever, I was able to focus on how much he means to me, and really enjoyed his stay. We went to the Renaissance Faire, which is one of my favorite places, and had a really good time! He left on Monday.
Tuesday I had knit group. I had dinner with the Organizer prior to that (we're getting chummy; I think she's as lonely as I am) and it was so NICE just sitting around talking to other women.
The rest of the week was great. I got lots of stuff done, and throughout it all, just felt, as I said, my Normal Self. I even started talking to J about sex again, usually a precursor to having it.
This morning, I woke up and felt a slight pang of That Feeling. Immediately, I tensed up and my stress level rose....here it comes again, I thought. It certainly was not nearly as bad as it often has been, but just the very possibility of my day, which could be the first of several days, spent being in the clutches of Menopause has me very anxious. It's a vicious cycle; if I wake up with soreness, a little headache, and some gas, my mind immediately starts to worry about getting menopausal, so I become menopausal. (This doesn't happen all the time; sometimes I can talk myself out of it, sometimes I have to just resign myself to going through it all over again). Just the thought of it continues to make me sadder and sadder. "Don't think about it!" I say to myself. Don't think; just breathe. I'm fine...I'm fine....I'm fine...I just had very little dinner and also ate a handful of Lindt truffles 1/2 hour before going to bed...and I went to bed kind of late. Is that all it takes to knock me over the edge?
In all my years of going through this, I've been searching in vain for that Magic Pill: that action or thing, or combination of actions and things, that either eases my menopause, or makes it worse. (I say "my menopause" because everyone's is different). That way, I can have some guideline as to what to do or not to do. I know that Stress plays a major factor, and the problem is that the chemical reactions in the brain cause the mind and body to go through major stress. EVERYTHING, no matter how small and insignificant, becomes a Major Thing, from the cracks in the tile in the bathroom, to whatever housework needs to be done, to one's lack of friends and family...whatever...ALL of it becomes a Big Deal...and it's ALL Negative. I cannot see the good side of anything, much less focus on it, and everything is upsetting. and overwhelming. One becomes so Ultra Sensitive that even certain visual images or sounds can be extremely upsetting (and I'm talking about normal images and sounds, like a certain cartoon, or snappy music). The stressful dreams are no help, either, and I don't have much control over those.
Menopause completely takes over one's life for hours, even days, and when it hits, well, it's just so hard to accept that one has, at least at those times, no control. It is like being on a small boat; sometimes the sea gets choppy, but if you have your controls, your steering, your emergency kit, your map and compass, you can get through it. But menopause scrambles your compass, breaks your steering wheel, and drops your emergency kit overboard. You might still have your map, but you have no control....and this is not very good for stress reduction. No one likes feeling Powerless (and this is a big issue for me; being epileptic means not only am I periodically out of control-as in having a seizure- but also since I can't drive, I have less control regarding where I go, when I go, and what I can take and/or bring back with me).
And it's not only the Menopause itself, but also the uncertainty and duration of it. One is racked by a combination of physical and mental symptoms that are simply awful to deal with....and it could go on for days. By the third or fourth day, when you wake up and you're STILL in it....you're physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. The whole thing is just so awful to go through that even the slightest possibility of having to go through it at all...is so worrisome and saddening, which can bring on and even enhance a menopause bout.
So this is my challenge today: to be Good To Myself by letting myself rest, play calming music, keep my stress down, and focus on the things in my life that ARE working out. If I don't make it to Target to catch the sale on paper towels and toilet paper, then I don't. There; a big load off my mind already. L's a teenager and can therefore feed and amuse herself, and so if I don't actually Do anything today.....that's okay. I hereby use my "Get Out Of Jail" card and will completely allow myself to do whatever I need to do to relax...
.....because the more relaxed and de-stressed I am, whatever level of menopause is looming on my doorstep is eased, even if only a little bit. I don't think I can get through the day without a bit of a cry, but that's okay, too. I'll deal with it, and the sore muscles, and the damn digestive issues, by resting.
Someday, this will all be over.
Hugs to all, and special thanks to PainterC and heatherhurts for all your kind thoughts and messages.
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