Again.

  Yup, woke up again with the lower GI stuff, cramps, body aches, and sadness. I wake up with all these physical symptoms that gnaw at me even before I gain consciousness. Then the sadness overwhelms me, wrapping me tightly in its dark cloak. Then the realization that menopause is hitting again, brings even more sadness, and the cloak gets thicker and darker, and tightens even more.
  Naturally, then I become self-obsessed; I'm feeling awful, everything hurts, I feel so sad and angry....I can barely think of anything else. I cry because it hurts in every way that it could hurt, I cry because I just plain old feel sad, I cry because I'm going through this AGAIN....oh, and now here comes the headache that no aspirin can stop. That'll put me on the couch for sure..and for how many days this time?
  Acceptance. It's so HARD...this is over 9 years now! I've lost SO much time...with my family, to work on my work...how much longer do I have to deal with this? Will I be 65 before I can finally be a normal person for more than a few weeks in a row?
  Actually, right now, I'm somewhat clear mentally...emotionally, not so. Poor J; another day with his partner being a useless, unconsolable, blubbering baby. He took today off specifically to help me clean up and clear out my studio so I can start doing my work, but now I'm menopausal, therefore useless. (This has happened several times before; we planned to do something that needed to be done, but I got menopausal).  Because there's really nothing he can say that'll make me feel better, oftentimes he gives up after a while  and goes and does something constructive. This gives me mixed feelings; on one hand, I understand that he has a limited time, and since there's nothing he can do for me other than try to make me comfortable and buy dinner in, he needs to do what he needs to do. On the other hand, I'm saddened even more because I'm sitting there sobbing while he works on something right in front of me. If I get up and go and cry on his shoulder, he does stop and hold me, but although I realize that he can't stand there holding me forever, I wish he would.
  Last week I bought a whole mess of vegetables at the Farmer's Market so I could make some healthy dinners. Will I get better so I can use them before I have to throw them away? Throwing food away in this economy isn't good. I got some filet mignon on sale last week, too, and I forgot to wrap and freeze them before they went bad. Money down the drain.
  I'm tired of this. It's one thing to take a day off and relax, it's quite another to do it because you are feeling so awful...and maybe have to repeat it the next day, and the next. And then you might recover somewhat for one day, then the next, POW! back again.
  And on top of it all, the whole thing continues to re-emphasize that there's no one to help during these times; it's just J and I and that's it. So if I don't get around to cooking those veggies, they'll get thrown away (J works 8-10 hour days; I cannot request that he also cook dinner, especially if I've been dozing on the couch all day, whatever the reason).
  I'd put my foot down and refused to accompany him and our daughter to visit his mom yet again this summer. I've gone and visited the extremely critical and negative old woman every year for years, while visiting any of my family members was always put off. My MIL is really only interested in seeing her "little baby boy" (my DH) and her "little baby girl" (our daughter) and is not really interested in me. The house oozes her negative vibes; it's horrible in there, and being in TX where everything's spread out, there's no where to go unless you want to walk through fields and risk getting deer ticks.
So I'm not going there this year. I was going to spend a few days by myself painting, then go down to San Diego to visit my step-mom who's wonderful.....but I just realized: what if I get menopausal while I'm here by myself? Will I go mad? I'm especially concerned about getting a panic attack while being by myself...OMG. But you know, I'd still rather be here where I can run around shrieking and crying than over there at her horrible place. I can always call J and he can talk me down, like he did when I had a panic attack and called him at work. I'll be ok.
  It's just some veggies, MKal, it's not that big of a deal, you say. Well, it would be many in a whole series of trash cans full of food that I've bought then gotten too sick to cook...9 years, remember?
  Ok, ok...I'm NOT going to beat myself up over it. I'll just do what I can do. It's just so shitty that not only my life but the whole household gets disrupted because of menopause, and at any moment, and for who knows how long. Activities get cancelled, plans change, money gets thrown away, and everyone suffers, not just me. And when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, so my family feels my pain and gets sad also.
  ....and the amount of time I've spent  sleeping, crying, and shaking on the couch, all that time I lost...and that I'm still continueing to lose. I think I've done my time...I want this to be the last of it.
  Thanks for reading my rant. I'm going to go sit in the sun and cry for a spell....maybe that will be all I need.