Again?!

 
Woke up at 6, and right after feeding the cats, I got a wave of what I call That Feeling.
It's a combination of bad digestive discomfort that is accompanied by extreme Anxiety (out of nowhere; I'm not thinking or doing anything stressful), and my blood runs cold and I get scared. I keep telling myself that there's nothing to be scared of, and that it's just gas, like the stuff I always feel in the morning...but part of my mind starts to freak out: will this be another one of Those Days? where I spend it on the couch...sleeping, if I'm lucky, or if I'm not, crying and shaking with sadness and dread, and maybe even have a panic attack (those are worse than the epileptic seizures; they are all the lack of physical and mental control with lack of emotional control thrown in, resulting in a seizure accompanied by abject terror). And, if so, will it be only one day, or two, or a whole week or more? (The last bad episode lasted 9 days, during which I had 2 seizures and 2 panic attacks).
 I KNOW it's just chemical...the part of my brain that deals with the fear/fight or flight is stimulated by the rise and drop of hormone levels, and being an intelligent human being, I immediately try to analyze why I'm so anxious/scared/sad so I can fix whatever it is. But without that emotional control that tells me what is important and what is not, what is a little thing that's not worth spending any time worrying about, what's kind of important and should be addressed at some point, and what IS really important and needs to be dealt with now.....without that control, that reason, that logic, that sanity...it ALL becomes Extremely Important.
And that's what I fear the most: that loss of Control. That loss of Control that usually starts with several waves of That Feeling. If I can't get a grip on myself, on reality, I start to lose Control, and it becomes a domino effect: anxiety and fear producing more anxiety and fear. Nothing is scarier than when you feel like you are really going crazy. If my husband is off of work and can stay with me, then I have an anchor, so even if I end up having a panic attack, I can hang on. But today, he has to work. If I was REALLY bad, he'd stay home, like he's done before, but, luckily, I'm not bad [yet?]. He's already lost work having to be by my side, which is not good for our economic situation.
In two days I will see my new therapist for the second time. While I know that I need the therapy, I'm not quite sure if this lady is the one for me. While going over my history during our first session, she glommed onto the fact that I was bullied by my brother and would not let go of it until I finally told her that that situation, while being something that I should address at some point, was not the situation that needed to be dealt with now, and what I need to deal with NOW is how to manage these emotional/mental menopause symptoms.
I'll give it a month. If she doesn't show any signs of empathy and/or understanding, then I shall request someone else.
Okay...I've just taken a Prilosec (it's a 14-day regime, and I won't see results until tomorrow), and I'm a little more calmed down. I need to go back to bed...but I'm a little scared; last Saturday, I woke up feeling fine, then later on in the day, I felt sleepy, so I took a nap. When I woke up, all cozy in my room with the cats asleep on the bed and the New Age music playing, I had a panic attack. I immediately called my husband at work. Luckily, he was on a break and spent the next 10-15 minutes on the phone with me talking me through it. Since then, the prospect of taking a nap makes me hesitate.
I started perimenopause in 2005. My last period was Sept. 2009, so I became official menopausal Sept. 2010. That means I have been post-menopausal for almost 3 1/2 years. WHEN WILL IT END??? OH, GODDESS, I WANT IT TO STOP NOW!!
J says that it's becoming less frequent, and my journals agree, but I NEED IT TO STOP. PERIOD.  I have so many things to do. I can't start any relationships, I can't get anything done. I'm 53 and I feel like I'm 89. I can't commit to anything because I don't know from one day to another if I'm going to be a sane human being. Seriously.
 Okay...one thing at a time. Let's just get through this day. And I am going to need a nap at some point, and I'm going to wake up rested and in control.