Today
Today is too much. All the energy that I had jumped ship the minute my son walked out the door. This disease is taking it's toll on me. Still I struggle. I struggle for my child. I struggle for others. If I can't tell others what to do, I can tell them what NO to do.
It's so hard going through these emotions day to day. Functioning on a very low level sucks. Than God that my son is a little older so that he can do some things himself. However even in that I find despair, guilt. I've only one thing that I'm proud of and that's motherhood. Now even that is being taken away as he grows older. I guess I can't be satisfied in this life.
Writing in this journal is big for me. My thoughts are all over the place so I usually don't write.
Ugh. Sadness, fear, guilt, shame, doubt. Why on earth am I here from this. Sometimes I think I have died, but just am not aware of it, and this is hell. Sometimes I think that I'm having a nightmare and will soon wake up. It's been a long time though, so that cant be it.
Just going to lie here today. At least until my son gets home. Then I'll summon the strength to throw together something for him to eat. Then I'll probably end up letting him tell me about his day and watch him play his games. I sometimes have to excuse myself with, 'Mommy doesnt fell well today', or something to that extent.
It's so hard going through these emotions day to day. Functioning on a very low level sucks. Than God that my son is a little older so that he can do some things himself. However even in that I find despair, guilt. I've only one thing that I'm proud of and that's motherhood. Now even that is being taken away as he grows older. I guess I can't be satisfied in this life.
Writing in this journal is big for me. My thoughts are all over the place so I usually don't write.
Ugh. Sadness, fear, guilt, shame, doubt. Why on earth am I here from this. Sometimes I think I have died, but just am not aware of it, and this is hell. Sometimes I think that I'm having a nightmare and will soon wake up. It's been a long time though, so that cant be it.
Just going to lie here today. At least until my son gets home. Then I'll summon the strength to throw together something for him to eat. Then I'll probably end up letting him tell me about his day and watch him play his games. I sometimes have to excuse myself with, 'Mommy doesnt fell well today', or something to that extent.
Replies
I was reminded of a time when I woke up every morning, sat on the edge of my bed with my face in my hands, and prayed for \"God\" to just make everything stop, for one moment... Just for a minute so I could have a chance to breathe..
Life was too difficult to bear... Impossible... I felt many of the same emotions you listed... The pain was immense...
I was given that reprieve when I was put on disability the first time I applied...
I am grateful you are journaling and are willing to share your thoughts... It is such a safe way to communicate my internal struggle here and allow each of you the opportunity to read my experiences day to day...
Life can be a dream and it can be a nightmare... Either or...
No matter what,you are still his mother... That is one constant in this world, and your reflection in his life is your refelction of that which you have influenced upon him...
We all do the best we can do... It\'s all we can do... It may not seem like it is enough, but it is... It is better than nothing at all...
Please take care of yourself... Lila....
Oh girl. I am so glad to see you journaling. I think, in time dumping this stuff out here will help you some. I go back later and read to see if I can find any clue as to why I am feeling like I do. That is one of the reasons my entries are so long and rambling. I just try to dump everything. I lock my journal now, didn\'t at first. Now it is open to only friends. Haven\'t decided which is best.
If you can, stop thinking ahead to when Landon is older. He isn\'t even thinking about going anywhere anytime soon! You will be in a better place by then. We have no way of knowing what the future holds for us, but we have both made a commitment to getting better. It ain\'t gonna be easy, but like we have said, we will take turns dragging each other through the recovery. LOL, you will definitely have a heavier load to drag!
Maybe today, you need to use the rest of us to help you and you take a day off of helping the rest of us????? I know that doesn\'t sit well with you, but I think maybe you need to practice accepting and asking for help for yourself. You give it to all the rest of us so sincerely and with such carefully chosen words. Use today to seek relief for you.
much love and many hugs for you.
Thank you Lila and hopeless. Yeah today is not my day. I guess responding to others is easier to do than journaling, because I feel like I\'m serving a purpose, plus my thoughts can hone in on just what is going on with them.
I\'m also scared to journal. I use to have a diary and when I go back and read it I just feel like ugh!! How could I have thought so horribly.
Thank you both for reading, responding, understanding! Okay here\'s one..............