Day 6
Day 6
Well, what can I say. So far so good although I can feel myself coming here often, reading, leaning in and feeling like DS is my new security blanket. I am not sure if that is a good thing or not but it's certainly been a balm for the moments tender heart.
I am definitely blue.
I am definitely feeling those spacesI have been filling. I am trying to just accept them and work on unravelling them, laying them out before me as places that need my attention when I am ready.
Here is what I have so far:
1. I am burnt out at work. I work in social services and while I love aspects of my job and am good at it I realize gambling was a way for me to blow off steam or escape from the fact that I need to do some things differently (hours, job description etc) if I want to stay working there and stay mentally healthy. Work is very stressful ( I teach crisis management and behavioral plans for people who support folks with disabilities) I used gambling a lot as a reward and something to lose myself in after a hard day or week or as a pay day treat.
2. I have a wonderful marriage/husband but our social needs are different. We are both introverts but him more so than I. He needs a lot of alone time and down time after work and I believe we are not meant to get all our needs met from our spouse. I would like a little more interaction and more time together. I have to say that. I never say that. I just give him the space he needs because it's my thought if I need more interaction than he is giving I should seek it elsewhere amongst friends or family especially as he is an amazing and supportive friend and partner. Then I realized I should at least let him know so that he can chose to do some more of that. That would help with some of the loneliness and free time.
3. I really really need something new to learn or a class to take- I need to have that freshness of being at the beginning of something. Yoga. I love photography and have even had an art show but have never taken a class in photography and would like to learn more about technique and my camera as opposed to simply using my good eye.
4. I have to look contemplate the possibility that a counselor might be a good idea. I don't really like the idea of being on medication unless I am horribly depressed or have unmanageable anxiety but I definitely sense that sort of cotton headed tired feeling of depression since I realized and admitted this is a huge issue for me. The other thing is that all of the things I use to LOVE to do and that filled me with joy just seem so MEH. I loved my garden and could spend hours in it. Art and photography- the thought of spending a saturday driving in the country shooting pictures of old barns was exciting before the casino. The casino and gambling- the excitement of that seemed to overshadow EVERYTHING. Even buying myself clothes or getting a new hairstyle. I would tell myself, I don't really need it and would rather spend at the casino.
5. I am really thinking about how spending and consumption is the antithesis of creation and creativity and how I want to be excited about creating again. This addiction may not hurt us the way that drugs abuse might hurt the liver or the heart or the organs but what it is hurt is the fabric of my being. My sense of self and my sense of the "ambience of my life" if that makes any sense. It's as if the addiction and false thrill of gambling tarnished the luster of my life, the things I enjoyed, my sense of my home and activities etc.
Friday afternoons after work I use to just feel this lifting up, this freeness of an entire weekend stretched before me, newspaper and coffee in bed, maybe some cinnamon rolls of scones, flowers from the garden, thrifting or an art show, garage sales and dinner with friends or a movie night in with my love- Now, my world has shrunk and the prospect of a weekend, at least for now, is this blank nothing, rock in my chest as I will myself to only think of today, friday evening and tonight and getting through without too much discomfort and trying not to think about the possibility of having to fight an urge and the fear that it might overtake me. Especailly as someone who has always been really clear about choices and that I am responsible for my choices and the shape my life is going to take. Well I guess I still am and that is why I am here but when I read about folks like me who are compulsive and they can't stop I have these moments of fear that I will lose control and I just see myself as this manic monster who cannot stop. I know that is sort of the nightmare extreme and it's not based in truth but I think its attached to the biggest sad aspect of this addiction and that is that I do not currently feel like I can trust myself.
What a sad thing. I guess like any relationship where trust is broken I have to just work on rebuilding trust in myself by proving I can have a day 7 and 8 and 108.
Well, what can I say. So far so good although I can feel myself coming here often, reading, leaning in and feeling like DS is my new security blanket. I am not sure if that is a good thing or not but it's certainly been a balm for the moments tender heart.
I am definitely blue.
I am definitely feeling those spacesI have been filling. I am trying to just accept them and work on unravelling them, laying them out before me as places that need my attention when I am ready.
Here is what I have so far:
1. I am burnt out at work. I work in social services and while I love aspects of my job and am good at it I realize gambling was a way for me to blow off steam or escape from the fact that I need to do some things differently (hours, job description etc) if I want to stay working there and stay mentally healthy. Work is very stressful ( I teach crisis management and behavioral plans for people who support folks with disabilities) I used gambling a lot as a reward and something to lose myself in after a hard day or week or as a pay day treat.
2. I have a wonderful marriage/husband but our social needs are different. We are both introverts but him more so than I. He needs a lot of alone time and down time after work and I believe we are not meant to get all our needs met from our spouse. I would like a little more interaction and more time together. I have to say that. I never say that. I just give him the space he needs because it's my thought if I need more interaction than he is giving I should seek it elsewhere amongst friends or family especially as he is an amazing and supportive friend and partner. Then I realized I should at least let him know so that he can chose to do some more of that. That would help with some of the loneliness and free time.
3. I really really need something new to learn or a class to take- I need to have that freshness of being at the beginning of something. Yoga. I love photography and have even had an art show but have never taken a class in photography and would like to learn more about technique and my camera as opposed to simply using my good eye.
4. I have to look contemplate the possibility that a counselor might be a good idea. I don't really like the idea of being on medication unless I am horribly depressed or have unmanageable anxiety but I definitely sense that sort of cotton headed tired feeling of depression since I realized and admitted this is a huge issue for me. The other thing is that all of the things I use to LOVE to do and that filled me with joy just seem so MEH. I loved my garden and could spend hours in it. Art and photography- the thought of spending a saturday driving in the country shooting pictures of old barns was exciting before the casino. The casino and gambling- the excitement of that seemed to overshadow EVERYTHING. Even buying myself clothes or getting a new hairstyle. I would tell myself, I don't really need it and would rather spend at the casino.
5. I am really thinking about how spending and consumption is the antithesis of creation and creativity and how I want to be excited about creating again. This addiction may not hurt us the way that drugs abuse might hurt the liver or the heart or the organs but what it is hurt is the fabric of my being. My sense of self and my sense of the "ambience of my life" if that makes any sense. It's as if the addiction and false thrill of gambling tarnished the luster of my life, the things I enjoyed, my sense of my home and activities etc.
Friday afternoons after work I use to just feel this lifting up, this freeness of an entire weekend stretched before me, newspaper and coffee in bed, maybe some cinnamon rolls of scones, flowers from the garden, thrifting or an art show, garage sales and dinner with friends or a movie night in with my love- Now, my world has shrunk and the prospect of a weekend, at least for now, is this blank nothing, rock in my chest as I will myself to only think of today, friday evening and tonight and getting through without too much discomfort and trying not to think about the possibility of having to fight an urge and the fear that it might overtake me. Especailly as someone who has always been really clear about choices and that I am responsible for my choices and the shape my life is going to take. Well I guess I still am and that is why I am here but when I read about folks like me who are compulsive and they can't stop I have these moments of fear that I will lose control and I just see myself as this manic monster who cannot stop. I know that is sort of the nightmare extreme and it's not based in truth but I think its attached to the biggest sad aspect of this addiction and that is that I do not currently feel like I can trust myself.
What a sad thing. I guess like any relationship where trust is broken I have to just work on rebuilding trust in myself by proving I can have a day 7 and 8 and 108.
Replies
Hi Stran, What you wrote here in your journal is exactly how I have felt for a long time. There is a good video about addiction called pleasure unwoven. There are parts of it you can see for free on you tube. He explains how addiction does something to the brain making it harder to enjoy the things we did for pleasure before the addiction. You have many good ideas here. Keep it up. You can do this! HUGS, Cher
thank you Cher, I appreciate it. I really identify with some of your additional stressors as well- we both have 21 year old sons that are struggling and that can be such an albatross around our heart and create so much numbing fearfulness for our babes.
I am glad to have you here in this place and hope to continue being a support to you as you have inspired me so much with your kindness and insights.
Hi Stran, Wow! It amazes me how much so many of us do have in common. Gambling for me was an escape. My son was out of control his senior year and was abusive verbally. I tried so hard to stop hi from going down the path he is on. Now it\'s too late. He is there and no longer the same person. It\'s been breaking my heart now for 4 long years. When I would leave the casino I would cry all the way home. Not for the money or for me but for the loss of my son. It\'s all been about that from the start and now I have learned to control myself somewhat but I am still sick. He is still sick. I am trying to find another path. That\'s why I went to Al-anon. Any way thanks for letting me know, it really helps to know you are not alone. Hugs! Cher