Day 3
It's only the morning of day three.
That sense of empty disgust is still there, the beast quiet.
I never worry about these times. I can imagine recovery from this place. It's when it lifts that I worry about. It's as if I am possessed, something else takes over and my voice sounds beneath it, telling me not to drive there, telling me not to gamble, telling me it's not too late to turn around. But I don't.
But I haven't.
I want to be strong enough to sit with the discomfort.
I've never really done that.
I keep thinking if I can quit cigarettes (the addiction to nicotine was so strong and there was the habit of smoking many many times a day) surely I can quit this too. I want to know how it is different. I have heard it said that nicotine is the hardest drug to quit, harder than heroin.
I am afraid.
Despite spending so much money, despite the horrors of the cycle, the shrinking of my world, of my self of my pleasures, if I stop now and don't beat myself up about the years of money spent (6 years of gambling) I can still get out relatively unscathed. I feel so much uncertainty though. The addiction does that. I feel so weak. I am not sure I trust myself. But if I can stop now I think I will have gotten out relatively lucky. I am afraid I underestimate the addiction though. There is a GA here on Friday nights. I want to go. Am I ready for that? Can I even afford not to be?
That sense of empty disgust is still there, the beast quiet.
I never worry about these times. I can imagine recovery from this place. It's when it lifts that I worry about. It's as if I am possessed, something else takes over and my voice sounds beneath it, telling me not to drive there, telling me not to gamble, telling me it's not too late to turn around. But I don't.
But I haven't.
I want to be strong enough to sit with the discomfort.
I've never really done that.
I keep thinking if I can quit cigarettes (the addiction to nicotine was so strong and there was the habit of smoking many many times a day) surely I can quit this too. I want to know how it is different. I have heard it said that nicotine is the hardest drug to quit, harder than heroin.
I am afraid.
Despite spending so much money, despite the horrors of the cycle, the shrinking of my world, of my self of my pleasures, if I stop now and don't beat myself up about the years of money spent (6 years of gambling) I can still get out relatively unscathed. I feel so much uncertainty though. The addiction does that. I feel so weak. I am not sure I trust myself. But if I can stop now I think I will have gotten out relatively lucky. I am afraid I underestimate the addiction though. There is a GA here on Friday nights. I want to go. Am I ready for that? Can I even afford not to be?
Replies
You must go to the GA meeting. If you dont like it , please go back. It works.
Well done so far.. You are doing great
Thanks for accepting my friend request.
I was down to 4 days between gambles at the height of my addiction. I knew that on days 1-2-3 I was safe and that on day 4, the urge would get intense. One of the keys for me was to stop trying to use my willpower or my smarts or my good intentions to stop myself when day 4 came around. It rarely worked. On day 1,2 or 3, I needed to take some actions to stop myself when day 4 came around. The only thing that worked (short term) was to give up access to my money completely or make solid plans with someone that I knew I wouldn\'t cancel with. In the beginning, I made lots of plans. I had isolated myself so much that it was difficult, but ultimately doable.
You can do this. I\'ve found some great support here at DS, and I know that you will too.
thank you so much. I appreciate that people are connecting with me here and that I have a safe place whereI can reach out too. It\'s so good to hear of others who understand. I am not sure if I have even made much effort but I like what you say about willpower and setting myself up for success. I am a crisis manager for people with disabilities and have, in the past been a brief solutions community counselor- I ought to be able to help myself. It\'s interesting how all of our own skills are just dust when it comes to this. So far I have not been very successful at stopping but here I am and I feel like being here and reaching out here is a big step in the right direction.
I found it helpful to just read the blue book of GA or NA or AA the stories in the back and the understanding of addiction and the 12 steps. You are very educated and like myself may be looking to understand a little more before it takes hold of the hinderances you need to put into place to quit. I isolated myself after a divorce two years ago and made the casino my social scene. Becoming \"friends\" witht the workers etc. Spending an enormous amount of time and money and doing NOTHING else in life. This was time bomb waiting to happen. Addiction we are hard wired for and then the circumstances make it happen. and will keep it that way unless we \"intervene\".
You must do GA and read and help others etc.
You will learn as you go to the meetings.
You have skills and education that will be helpful in beating this but you arent\' \"educated\" in addiction yet to stop. you \"will be able to help yourself\" and you are starting to do that now.
don\'t let it go any longer because you read about the PROGRESSIVE part of this disease, well it can get worse, you can start gambling everything you own and then start to do crimes to get money and get so despondent that.............well you get the picture.
STOP now, by doing the work you need to and get back to a good and
charmed life.
THIS is NO life.
It was my whole life for a while.
It is hard to understand how we can do this to ourself.
It sneaks in and overtakes us.
I had to overcome the need to understand this as even doctors don\'t.
It is a combination of heredity and isolation and setting our brain up with dopamine each time we go through the gambling cycle..........etc.
All of the \"links\" that an addictive brain is waiting for.
As you say though your skills will help you to overcome this.
Your skills of learning and reading and reaching out to people and helping others and your life experiences......
these will all help you to reach recovery.
Learn what it is you need to get started and stay on that path.
please don\'t continue and take action now.
I sincerely hope to see you here and wish you
a happy life, one without the desperation of addiction.
thank you, yes, yes I have read the stories and am terrified that it would get worse as I can\'t imagine feeling worse and have certainly spent a lot of money already ( I would say I have been gambling for 5-6 years and probably got addicted a short time after. It\'s already progressed as when I first went I would only bring 20 dollars and then at the end it was 50 or 100 dollars. =(
I will follow your suggestions. When I quit smoking I told myself there was only one thing I needed to do and that was to never have another cigarette again. I imagine it\'s the same with gambling. I simply can not do it as I cannot gamble like a normal person does for socializing once in a blue moon (just as I was never a social smoker but an addicted to nicotine daily smoker who smoked between 18 and a pack and a half a day) I tell myself if I can withstand the withdrawal front hat I can withstand the withdrawal from gambling as the physical component while there (the addiction to dopamine) probably won\'t be as intense and I smoked many many times a day where I gambled a few times a week.
I am starting with little things to look forward to- even if it\'s something as small as trying a new recipe or watching a favorite show. I also might try exercise as a replacement as I know that it\'s good for depression and I certainly feel blue.
thank you again thenewway. I appreciate you and all you share and offer.