Wednesday...
Another day... yet I still feel so incredibly raw with all my feelings. Tomorrow will be exactly one week from when I found out that our IVF cycle failed. The nightmare became real... my husband and I experienced the worse case scenario... 6 fertilized embryos... only 1 survived... transferred the one good embryo and no pregnancy. <sigh> No frozen embryos to go back to. We have to start all over again. From the beginning... with the shots and all the meds. I feel defeated.
Today, I feel angry at the world. I am angry at so many people in my life. I don't expect people to be there for me... everyone has things going on in life... everyone is busy. I know this. But, today I can't help but take my sadness and project it into anger for people in my life. ...I am angry at my sister in law for comparing what she went through with infertility to what I am going through... that she had it worse....I am angry at one of my girlfriend's who hasn't asked me anything about how I am. She herself is going through a lot... a move to a new state where she knows noone... 6 month old twins that she is having a rough time with... so I understand she has a lot going on... BUT! Send a text to me or something to see how I am. She knows what I am going through. I'm going through things, yet I will ask her ALL the time how she is... <sigh>
This isn't me. That is what bothers me the most. I am not an angry person. I am usually selfless. Today though, I'm not. I'm angry and... just angry.
Today, I feel angry at the world. I am angry at so many people in my life. I don't expect people to be there for me... everyone has things going on in life... everyone is busy. I know this. But, today I can't help but take my sadness and project it into anger for people in my life. ...I am angry at my sister in law for comparing what she went through with infertility to what I am going through... that she had it worse....I am angry at one of my girlfriend's who hasn't asked me anything about how I am. She herself is going through a lot... a move to a new state where she knows noone... 6 month old twins that she is having a rough time with... so I understand she has a lot going on... BUT! Send a text to me or something to see how I am. She knows what I am going through. I'm going through things, yet I will ask her ALL the time how she is... <sigh>
This isn't me. That is what bothers me the most. I am not an angry person. I am usually selfless. Today though, I'm not. I'm angry and... just angry.
Replies
If you look through one of my past journals...I have written almost this exact same one. You have every right to feel angry and selfish right now. People you expect to support you for some reason are no where to be found. I have learned to blame it on the fact that for the most part infertility is still very unknown to people and they just have NO IDEA what to say. I literally had to call my own mom out for not asking me how I am. I have told people..look, I\'m not looking for you to tell me the answers just tell me everything is gonna be ok!! Like you, I started to not be able to recognize myself. I was once a happy go lucky girl who laughs at everything! Suddenly I was angry, jealous, and constantly negative. After some much needed self/ life evaluation on what I have that is good in my life...(which is still a lot!)...I started to focus more on that. I pour my anger into kick boxing and and relax with yoga. Let yourself feel these fresh emotions and then find an outlet. Eventually, you will be ready to move forward! Hang in there girl.
Bec -
Thank you for your words. I know I\'m not alone. I know there are so many of us out there. But, being able to read more about how it\'s okay to feel these horrible feelings is kind of... nice.
I am looking forward to getting back into running and yoga... hopefully in another couple of days I can start again.
It\'s funny and I do understand that people don\'t know how to \"be\" or \"not be\". You only really know what someone is going through once you\'ve gone through it yourself. So I don\'t blame anyone... But the anger is still just there.
I know it\'ll get better day by day. Thank you again so much for writing.
How are you doing with everything?
I\'m actually doing great right now. I just started my first (and hopefully last!) donor egg cycle. It is bitter sweet. I had my first ultrasound and bloodwork done and my levels and lining look great. I stop the lupron and start estrogen tonight. I feel like I am so much more laid back this go around. Not sure if that is good or bad! Fingers crossed! I hope you\'re feeling better. Xoxo
That is so great to hear! I will be thinking happy thoughts for you!!!