I wanted to wait until I dug myself out of my hole before being able to write on here. I also have been so busy that I haven’t had a chance to respond to many of you. I have been reading your journals, but haven’t responded to some and I’m sorry for that! Needless to say, we have been in utter shock, depressed, and feeling like our journey is coming to an end. It scares the fucking shit out of me. I feel like a lost soul that has no direction. I hate where I am working, I can’t get pregnant, and I am truly envisioning my life with no children. I have thrown myself a two week pity party. I literally cried so hard on my birthday that I got down on the floor and asked God why he is killing us so slowly. The pain and sadness is overwhelming. I read on resolve yesterday a few articles of people who chose to live childfree after years of trying and infertility treatments. They all described the twinges of occasional pain they still felt, but how mostly their lives were wonderful. To be honest, it all sounded terrible and like a bunch of bullshit. I’m sure eventually with time your pain heals, but it never fully goes away. OK, enough with depression mode right now.
 
We do have some new found hope. We had our apt. with my RE this past Tuesday. I sent him an email with a laundry list of questions so that he would be prepared for our meeting. He told us that he honestly doesn’t know why this cycle did not work for us. Our embryos were wonderful and there is no reason it shouldn’t have worked. Awesome. I asked him if DH’s sperm could now be a contributing factor. He said compared to the other recipient we looked the same. She got pregnant, but quickly miscarried and ended up with 2 more embryos then us. He said he did not feel like DH’s sperm was the issue based off the comparison, however it doesn’t 100% rule it out.
 
So, my husband mentions to him that we feel like we have given up hope of this last embryo working and that we are paying thousands more dollars for this FET, just to get our refund back. My RE asked us why we would be paying thousands of dollars? We were under the impression that the FET was 6,000. I have no idea who told us this. Well apparently it is covered under our shared risk plan we chose!! That was a huge financial weight off our shoulders. My RE also said that he feels like he is not finished with us yet. He hates that he hasn’t been able to get us pregnant and that we are truly nice people who would be wonderful parents someday. He said “I really like you guys, and if it was anyone else I would probably let them walk away.” He said he has not had many people walk away from his office without success. He asked us if we would be willing to try one more cycle with donor egg and donor sperm and he would pay half our costs out of pocket for us in order to do it. (of course, pending this FET fails). We were very shocked to hear him say this. We told him financially we wouldn’t be able to move forward after this FET, which is what prompted him to offer to pay. It honestly gave us a new found hope. It scares me to think that we would be creating a baby from two donors and how the baby will someday feel about it. Although, it also makes me feel like my journey isn’t as close to being over as I thought. It was amazing how differently I felt leaving his office. I have no idea what this next year will bring us in our journey, but I am willing to give the double donor cycle a shot. Never in a million years did I think that this is where I would be in my life. Fuck you IF! I’m not giving up!!